


Fleche De Lard

by Redtop1995



Category: Tiny Toon Adventures
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 59,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3672078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redtop1995/pseuds/Redtop1995
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever wondered what Hamton's swashbuckling adventure would have been like had those scene-stealing rabbits not intervened? Well, wonder no more! </p>
<p>When Hamton gets a job as the janitor at the palace in 17th Century Paris, little does he know that he's going to help the princess Fifi save the country from a corrupt lord. There will be laughs, cameos, adventure and romance along the way!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Adventure Begins

**Prologue**

_We see nothing but a huge black abyss. A dark, ominous build-up begins to play as the_ **WARNER BROS. PICTURES** _logo suddenly appears and moves toward the camera, and vanishes away almost as immediately as it appeared. Then, the_ **Amblin** **Entertainment** _logo fades in for five seconds, before fading out. Suddenly, we hear a deep, male voice speaking to us._

**Narrator:** For nearly twenty years, they left our screens. They were adored by children and adults alike during their time in the spotlight. However, there was one question about the show that remained unanswered and ambiguous even before it came to an end…

 

 _As the score comes to a crescendo,_ **Babs Bunny** _suddenly appears before the screen. The music abruptly halts with the sound of a record scratching._

**Babs:** (Excitedly) Oh, Oh, I know! I know! It was why I hated being called Barbara Ann! I got soooooo many fan letters asking me why! Well, y’see, it’s really simple: the reason why I hated being ca-

 

 **Narrator:** No…that wasn’t it at all.

 

 **Babs** _looks around in shock looking for the source of the voice._

**Babs:** What the-?! Who said that?

 

 **Buster** _walks into the shot from the left. He looks uninterested and unamused by his girlfriend’s antics._

**Buster:** Rope it in, Babsie. By the looks of it, this is some sorta opening to a movie.

 

 **Babs:** (Rattling) Y’mean where they have those really dramatic scores an’ they make everything ominous an’ they have this really deep voiceover an’ then it’s all a huge twist an’ it’s actually supposed ta be really anticlimactic?!

 

 **Buster:** Yeeep.

 

 **Babs:** (Dismissively) They stopped bein’ funny years ago.

 

 **Narrator:** If you two don’t mind, I’m trying to do my job here. The sooner I finish this prologue, the sooner I can get paid.

 

 **Buster:** (Annoyed)Ahh, alright, alright. (Curious) What sorta thing is this anyway? (Excitedly) Wait…are they actually listening to the public…and Warner Bros have finally decided ta reboot the show?!

**Babs:** (Just as excited) WITH A MOVIE?!

 

 **Narrator:** Well, yes, this is a movie, but…

 

 _He is interrupted as_ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _leap around the blank space, whooping and cheering. Fireworks explode, and balloons and streamers fall down as the two rabbits embrace each other, tears of joy in their eyes._

**Narrator:** …It has nothing to do with you.

 

 _The fireworks stop exploding. The balloons all burst and the streamers flop down._ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _stop celebrating. They turn to the camera, both glaring balefully._

**Babs:** Hold on a second…

 

_She clears her throat and takes a deep breath._

 

 **Babs:** WHAAAAAAAAT??!!

 

 **Buster:** (Outraged) How can you make a Tiny Toon Adventures movie…without Babs and Buster Bunny?!

 

 **Both:** (Deadpan) No relation.

 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) It’s possible, y’know!

 

_The green duck walks into the space. The bunnies glare at him._

 

 **Plucky:** The truth is, you two aren’t the real stars of the show.

 

_He points haughtily to himself._

 

 **Plucky:** It’s me!

 

 **Buster:** You can’t be, you’re a duck!

 

 **Babs:** And ducks are ALWAYS the second bananas. It’s the law!

 

 **Plucky:** That’s cold-blooded discrimination!

 

_He turns to the camera._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I will not stand for such species-ism, and neither should you guys out there!

 

_He suddenly points to the right hand corner of the screen._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Hey, you! TURN OFF THAT PHONE!!

 

_He takes out a calculator._

 

 **Plucky:** Statistics prove that ducks are 99.999999999995% funnier than rabbits. I should be in this celluloid train-wreck, not these two!!

 

 **Narrator:** (to **Plucky** ) Actually, you are in this movie.

 

 **Plucky:** I am?!

 

 _He leers at_ **Babs** _and_ **Buster**.

 

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) Well, this IS a pleasant surprise. I get ta be in a theatrical feature and YOU don’t! (To the camera) This is perfect! I’m the lead in my first foray onto the big screen! I’ll be the first Toonster from Acme Loo ta win an Oscar, I-

 

 **Narrator:** (Interrupting) You play the role of the sidekick.

 

 **Plucky’s** _grin immediately turns into a fierce scowl, similar to that of the bunnies._

 

 **Plucky:** A sidekick? (Furious) A SIDEKICK?! Ya mean ta tell me they’re makin’ a movie that has nothing ta do with those long-eared, carrot munching show-offs and I, I play the role of some inconsequential loser who reacts ta people more superior ta ME?! WHO, TELL ME, WHO IS THE STAR OF THIS GARBAGE?!

 

_There is a short pause before the three toons suddenly hear a faint whirring noise: the sound of a machine coming to life._

**Buster:** Wh-What’s going on?

 

 **Babs:** (Angrily) Now look what you’ve done, Plucky!

 

 **Plucky:** Why are ya blamin’ me?! All I did was question this farce of a motion picture!

 

 **Buster:** There’s no need for language like that, who d’ya think you are: Fowlmouth?!

 

 _Suddenly, we hear a loud whooshing roar. The black background suddenly crumples and tears as if it were made out of paper. Suddenly,_ **Buster, Babs** _and_ **Plucky** _are pulled upwards along with the background, their arms flailing frantically, they are sucked into…a giant Dustbuster._

_The Dustbuster is turned off, and_ **Hamton J Pig** _emerges from behind it. He is wearing a voice-changing face mask. The background is the outside of_ **Warner Bros. Studios**. _Several people are rushing about behind him, carrying props and pieces of scenery. If you look very closely, you can see_ **Yakko, Wakko and Dot** _being chased around by_ **Ralph the Guard** _in the background._

**Hamton:** (In the **Narrator’s** voice) Now, now, I couldn’t tell you that. It would spoil the surprise!

 

_He takes the mask off._

 

 **Hamton:** (In his own voice) Okay, Fifi, they’re gone!

 

 **Fifi La Fume** _emerges from the other side of the Dustbuster._

 

 **Fifi:** Bon! Mon dieu, I thought zey would never shut up! (Alluringly) So, mon piggy du passion, do tu want to do some, how-you-say, necking before we start to act?

 

 **Hamton:** I think ya already know the answer to that!

 

_He throws the giant Dustbuster offscreen. They embrace, and are just about to make out when they both turn to the camera._

**Fifi:** (to the camera) Do vous mind?

 

 **Hamton:** (to the camera) Yeah. Why don’t ya go buy some more popcorn from the lobby? This may take a while…

_They turn to each other, and are just about to kiss, when it abruptly cuts to black, and the names appear in the opening credits. A piano and a group of violins begin to play the opening theme for the movie:_

Hamton J Pig

&

Fifi La Fume

_In:_

 

Fleche De Lard

A Tiny Toons Fanfic

By Redtop95

_The piano and violins are joined by brass instruments, followed by a fanfare which heralds an orchestra which plays the song._

Also Starring:

 

Shirley the Loon

&

Plucky Duck

 

 _As_ **Plucky’s** _name appears, the orchestral music is suddenly, albeit briefly, replaced by the_ **Wackyland Rubber Band** _song. Once his name disappears, the orchestral score continues._

 

And the rest of the Tiny Toons Ensemble

Characters are property of

Warner Bros and Amblin Entertainment

 

Food catered by

Weenie Burgers

 

Script written by

Redtop95, Fifi La Fume and Hamton J Pig

 

Script sabotaged…err…edited by

Plucky Duck

_Once again, as_ **Plucky’s** _name appears, the orchestral music is suddenly, albeit briefly, replaced by the_ **Wackyland Rubber Band** _song._

 

Plucky Duck

_Once his name disappears, the orchestral score continues._

Beaten up by

Arnold the Pit Bull

“Can’t we just skip the opening credits and watch the movie?!”

Asked by the audience

 

“Okay…”

We replied.

 

_The orchestral score comes to a spectacular conclusion as the motion picture begins._

**Scene 1**

_We see nothing but blackness. However, we can hear piggish snoring. After a few snores, we hear a voice speaking._

**??? :** (Gently) Son?

 

_The snoring continues. The voice speaks again._

**???:** (Slightly more annoyed) Son.

 

_Once again, the snoring continues._

**???:** SON!!

 

 _Suddenly, we see_ **Hamton** _leap up into the air in shock, yelling in fright. However, he is not in his modern-day bedroom. His room has a woody, thatched appearance, and his bed is made out of straw and mud. He hits the ceiling, which is also made from straw, and lands on the muddy floor. We get a better look at him. Instead of his trademark blue overalls, he is wearing a grey, mud-stained equivalent, which is slightly torn in some places. The camera pans out to reveal that the voice that had yelled at him had belonged to his father:_ **Wade Pig**. _He is wearing clothing of a similar style._

 

 **Wade:** (Helping him up) Now, try not ta get yer already filthy clothes even more filthy, son, especially after yer mother made ‘em for ya.

 

 **Hamton:** (Looking down at his clothes) Oh, yuck!

 

_He frantically tries to rub his overalls clean, but only smudges them. He sighs, his pointy ears drooping._

 

 **Wade:** G’morning, by the way, son. (Pats his son on the back and regards his mood). I know, I know, it’s not easy bein’ green…

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Wh-What?

 

 **Wade** _pulls out a coffee-stained copy of his script. Taking out some small reading glasses, he looks at a page, before putting it away._

**Wade:** (Chuckles sheepishly) My bad, son. (He clears his throat) It’s not easy bein’ clean when ya live in 17th Century Paris. (To the camera) Yes, we’re French, but we have American accents, we know. (To **Hamton** ) It’s even more uneasy when ya live in unsanitary conditions which can’t be helped because yer dirt poor!

 

 **Hamton:** Well, it is the 17th Century, Dad. Hygiene wasn’t as good as it is today, and -

 

 **Wade:** (Dismissively) I know that, son. This is a movie, not Histeria!

 

 **Hamton:** (Raising an eyebrow) What’s Histeria?

 

 **Wade:** (Shaking his head) Never mind. Now, I guess yer wondering why I woke ya up so early.

 

**Hamton** _nods._

 

 **Wade:** Well, uh… I can’t remember.

 

 **Hamton’s** _face sags down to his chest in exasperation._

**Wade:** OH, WAIT!! Now, I remember!

 

**Hamton** _reforms himself, and his eyes widen as he looks ecstatically up at his father._

 

 **Wade:** No, it’s, it’s gone again.

 

 **Hamton:** (Beat) I’m just gonna go get some breakfast, Dad.

_He’s about to walk offscreen when we hear_ **Winnie’s** _voice._

**Winnie:** (Offscreen) There is no breakfast, dearie! Like your father said, we’re dirt poor!

 

 **Hamton:** (Plaintively) But, Mooooom! I haven’t eaten since lunch break!

 

 **Winnie:** (Offscreen) That was five minutes ago, dear! Besides, don’t you have to go to work this morning?

 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) Work?

 

 **Wade:** Oh, yeah, that’s it. It’s yer first day on the job, today.

 

 **Hamton:** (Genuinely confused) Wh-Where at?

 

 **Wade:** At the palace!

 

 **Hamton’s** _eyes grow incredibly large and his pupils shrink to the size of pinpoints. His jaw hits the floor and his tongue lolls out, a sign saying_ **WHOA, DID *NOT* SEE THAT COMING** _on it. His tongue goes back into his mouth like a window shade being pulled up._

 

 **Hamton:** (Babbling incoherently) The peh-puh-p-peh-peh-puh – p-p-p-p-p-p-PALACE?!

 

 **Wade:** (Impressed) Hey, that imitation of Porky Pig’s pretty good!

 

 **Winnie** _enters the room. She is wearing a patchy peasant dress._

**Winnie:** Don’t you remember, honey? You went for that job interview ta be the janitor for the King!

 

 **Hamton:** (Dazed) I don’t remember that!

 

 **Wade:** Ahh, it happened before the movie began. Anyway, the king’s not here at the moment. He’s away in Britain.

 

 **Winnie:** (Gasp) Is he on a crusade?

 

 **Wade:** No. He’s on vacation. (To **Hamton** ) Anyway, son. This job ya got may actually be able ta get us money, so try not ta get fired. Stay outta trouble, and stay especially away from that Lord Sebastian fella.

 

 **Hamton:** Wh-Who’s Lord Sebastian?

 

 **Winnie:** Don’t you know? He’s the Lord of the Royal Council!

 

 **Wade:** He’s currently in charge of France while the King’s away. (His face darkens) I don’t like him one bit. He gives pigs a bad name!

 

 **Winnie:** Well, technically, he’s a warthog.

 

 **Wade:** (Bitterly) Yeah, an’ he’s FULL o’ warts! (To the camera) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was the villain of this picture!

 

 **Winnie:** (To her husband) SSH! (To **Hamton** ) Now, sweetheart, remember that since you’re now a servant, you get to live at the palace.

 

 **Hamton:** (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

 

 **Winnie:** (Cheerfully) But you’ll most likely be sleeping in the cellar, so it won’t be any different to your own humble abode.

 

 **Hamton:** (Disappointed) Aww…

 

 **Winnie:** You’ll get ta go into all the rooms in the palace!

 

 **Hamton:** (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

 

 **Winnie:** (Cheerfully) But only to clean them.

 

 **Hamton:** (Disappointed) Aww… Well, (He poses dramatically) at least I’ll be the one ta make ‘em spotless!

 

 **Winnie:** (Patting her son on the head) That’s my baby. He’s always had that heroic side that he keeps hidden…

 

 **Wade:** (To the camera) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that was a plot point!

 

 **Winnie:** (To her husband) SSH!

 

 **Wade:** (To the camera in a deadpan voice) And if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that this would become a running gag. (To **Hamton** ) Speaking of heroic sides: maybe that would impress the princess!

 

 **Hamton:** (Genuinely interested) Princess?

 

 **Wade:** Yeah! The king’s daughter! I thought you were smart, son. Maybe you could impress her with yer heroicness an’ yer passion for cleaning.

 

 **Hamton:** (Suddenly dreamy) Yeah… 

 

_Love hearts float around his head. It’s obvious that he has a crush on this princess._

 

 **Wade:** It’s too bad yer not a prince.

 

_The love hearts all catch fire and shatter like glass._ **Hamton’s** _dreamy expression disappears instantly._

 

 **Wade:** Only royalty can marry royalty, an’ there’s NO royal blood in your veins, I’m afraid. Heh! Except for my brother…he’s a ROYAL pain!

 

_There is a rimshot as he starts laughing, only to see that his wife and son aren’t impressed._

 

 **Wade:** (To the camera) Well, some fell on stony ground. (To **Hamton** ) Besides, you’re much too shy, son. But ya don’t hafta worry about yer shyness because you’ll barely see her anyway!

 

 **Hamton’s** _ears droop sadly._

**Winnie:** (Reproachfully) Wade! You’re out of character for some reason!

 

 **Wade:** (Defensively) No, I’m not, I’m acting! Besides, young Hammy needs a conflict ta overcome in the plot of this movie! (To **Hamton** ) And speakin’ of plots, ya need ta head on down to the palace! This scene’s dragging!

 

 **Hamton:** Oh yeah!

 

_He runs offscreen, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. The cloud of dust is shaped just like his body._

**Hamton’s Dust Cloud:** Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

 

_The dust cloud vanishes._

 

 **Wade:** (Beat) Well, that’s our scene over an’ done with. We don’t hafta appear until later.

 

 **Winnie:** So….wanna go to Happy World Land?

 

 **Wade:** Uhhhh…Okay.

**Scene 2**

_We get a huge sweeping shot of the whole of Paris as accordion music plays. As the camera roves through the street and over the rooftops, we see_ **Buttons** _and_ **Mindy** _floating past on balloons._ **Buttons’** _balloons suddenly burst, and he plummets offscreen._ _The camera cuts to a view of the street, where_ **Hamton** _rounds a corner and steps over the prone form of_ **Buttons**. _He passes_ **Daffy Duck** _, who is a street performer. Just as the duck is about to open his bill, somebody empties a chamber pot over him from their window._ **Daffy** _glares at the camera._

**Hamton:** (To the camera)This is my home…at least in this movie, it is. Paris, France. Y’know, what with all these dynamic shots that ya only seem ta get in a movie, you can see how…awful it is.

 

_He leaps over a brown puddle._

 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) There’s no sense of hygiene here.

 

 _He leaps out of the way as_ **Mewsette** _(the cat from_ **Gay Purr—ee** _) suddenly scampers past, being chased by_ **Barnyard Dawg**.

 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) An’ the people who live in the city are FAR from friendly!

_As he speaks, the camera rises above him so we can get a view of the enormous palace._

**Hamton:** I wonder what it’s like in the palace. I bet that there are NO problems there!

 

_The camera cuts to the inside of the palace. In sharp contrast to the streets of Paris, the palace interior is elegant and large. With several flags that hang from the ceiling and torches burning on the sides of the walls, it has that wide-spaced, but warm feeling. The soundtrack is a heralding fanfare._

_The camera zooms in on_ **Fifi** _as she walks towards the throne. She is wearing an elegant blue dress, with a skirt that reaches the floor, but does not drape onto the floor. She is wearing a cone hat with a pink ribbon flowing from the top of it. Despite her beautiful clothing and her usually pleasant demeanour, she looks angry and fed up._

**Fifi:** Ah have had eet! Ah am sick of living dans zis palace!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Shirley the Loon** _appears from behind the throne. She is wearing a dress similar to_ **Fifi’s** , _only it is coloured pink._

**Shirley:** (While crossing over to her) Like, what’s the matter, Princess?

 

 **Fifi:** Oh, Shirley, mon lady-in-waiteeng, ah have had enough of living avec zose idiots zat mon papa appointeed to look after moi after ‘e left!

 

 **Shirley:** Y’mean Lord Sebastian, Cardinal Jonathan Pew an’ Duke Tad?

 

 **Fifi:** (Annoyed) Oui. Zat Sebastian will not leave moi alone! Et zat Pew keeps telling moi zat if ah do not find a prince to marry within ze next five days, zen Sebastian shall ‘ave to marry moi instead!

 

 **Shirley** _is visibly disgusted by this._

**Shirley:** (Shuddering) Eww. Like, mondo gross! Everytime he speaks, spit flies outta his mouth. He’s like a cross between Daffy Duck, a warthog an’ a troll! Eww!! Though, ya shouldn’t diss the cardinal. He is, like, totally down with God!

 

 **Fifi:** Well, ‘e doesn’t deserve to ‘ave zat honour! Why should ah marry un prince?! All ze princes zat ‘ave visited moi show no interest in moi! Zey just want to live dans ze palace! Why do zey ‘ave to tell moi what to do?! Ah am ze princess! Ah should be able to make ma own decisions!

 

 **Shirley:** (to the camera) Hmmm, like, that sounds like a plot point!

 

 **Fifi:** Non, Shirley, ah am serious. Why can’t ah marry somebody outside ze palace? Suppose ah have un crush on one of ze people out zere?! Mais non. Ah am not allowed to leave ze palace et meet anybody!

 

 **Shirley:** Well, like, ya may get a chance ta check out a suitor from outside the palace walls!

 

 **Fifi:** (Genuinely interested) How?

 

 **Shirley:** Well, they’re bringin’ in the new servants ta work here! Two of ‘em, ta be precise. They totally live in the city.

 

 **Fifi:** (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

**Shirley:** Buuuut, ya probably won’t see ‘em today. Only the Royal Council can check ‘em out.

 

 **Fifi:** (Disappointed) Aww.

 

 **Shirley:** They’ll be livin’ in the palace!

 

 **Fifi:** (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

 

 **Shirley:** Buuuut, since they’re the servants, they’ll probably be livin’ in the cellar or something. An’ yer not allowed down there.

 

 **Fifi:** (Disappointed) Aww.

 

 **Shirley:** (to the camera) Y’know, I’m totally sure they already did this schtick. (To **Fifi** ) By the way. Is, like, ANYONE gonna refer to the king by his name in this movie?

**Fifi:** Non, not yet. Zat would ruin ze surprise!

 

 _Suddenly, the doors crash open._ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _turn in shock. The camera cuts to three figures who immediately stride into the throne room. The tallest one is an ugly warthog wearing red medieval clothing. His right tusk is chipped. On his left is a male skunk with blue fur wearing cardinal robes, and on his left is a more muscular pig with long brown hair and wearing a green top-hat and tails. They are_ **Lord Sebastian** _,_ **Cardinal Pew** _and_ **Duke Tad** _respectively._

**Fifi:** (Rolling her eyes) Mon dieu…

 

 **Sebastian:** (Slimily) AH! Good morning, princess! And how are you this fine day?

 

 **Fifi** _is obviously trying to fight the urge to insult the warthog. They all wait for her to reply. At last,_ **Fifi** _sighs._

**Fifi:** (Reluctantly) Ah have been better…

 

 **Sebastian:** I don’t care. (To **Pew** and **Tad** ) So, when are the peasants showin’ up ta work?

_Before the two can reply,_ **Fifi** _steps forward._

**Fifi:** Ah wish vous would not refer to ze people by zat name.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Patronisingly) What name?

 

 **Fifi:** Vous know! Zey should be shown more respect!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Mockingly) How do you know that, princess?

 

 **Fifi:** Ah…Ah do not! Mais zat eez not ma fault! Ah am forbidden to leave zis palace!

 

 **Sebastian:** And for a good reason, princess. If you set one dainty little foot outside this palace, those commoners would rob you blind in a heartbeat!

 

 **C. Pew:** Y’know, Lordy, if we didn’t just neglect them, maybe they wouldn’t rob the princess if she left the palace.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C.** **Pew** ) Shut up an’ go read a bible or something! (In a stage whisper) Besides, you’re one of the villains, ya can’t think about the goodwill of the peasants! (To **Fifi** ) Anyway, my princess. You COULD leave the castle…buuut only if you have a prince with you.

 

_He appears to be losing his temper._

 

 **Sebastian:** This means…you…have…to…get…MARRIED!!

 

 **Fifi:** Why do ah have to marry un prince?!

 

 **C. Pew:** (Stepping in) Because without being married to a prince, how d’ya expect ta rule the country once the king pushes up daisies?

 

 **Tad:** Uhh… I thought it was once the king was dead.

 

 _There is a beat as everyone stares at him, before_ **Sebastian** _speaks._

**Sebastian:** The cardinal has spoken. You had better hurry, princess. You’ve only five days until the deadline, and-

 

 **Shirley:** (Interrupting) We, like, totally brought that up a few minutes ago.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Shirley** ) Shut up. (To **Fifi** ) With that said, though…

 

_He ponders_

 

 **Sebastian:** …I suppose you could always marry yours truly if you can’t find anyone!

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _shudder violently._

 

 **Sebastian:** I’m glad you’re willing to co-operate.

 

_He looks at his surprisingly modern wristwatch which has_ **Bugs Bunny** _as the hands pointing at the numbers._

 

 **Sebastian:** Would you look at the time? We have to introduce our newest slaves, I mean, employees. (To **Fifi** ) I have a treat for you, princess. For the first time…EVER! You…and your lady-in-waiting get to see our new employees!

 

 **Fifi** _looks surprised, even hopeful. Perhaps she may meet her special one!_

 

 

**Scene 3**

**Hamton** _walks up to the gates of the palace. He looks up, awestruck by the extravagant architecture. He’s so busy looking up, he doesn’t notice until too late that he is about to walk into somebody. With a CLANG, he bumps into_ **Private Snafu** _, who’s wearing a suit of armour, and falls down on his behind._

**Snafu:** (Pointing his lance at **Hamton** ) STOP RIGHT DERE! Are yous a friend…or foe?!

 

 **Hamton:** (Looking down at the sharp lance nervously) Err, Friend?

 

 **Snafu** _stops pointing the lance at him._ **Hamton** _picks himself up._

**Snafu:** Ah, dat’s good. I just ain’t in da mood for fightin’ off intruders! So, why are yous here, anyway?

 

 **Hamton:** I-I’m the new janitor for the palace! I, uh, even brought my own cleanin’ utensils!

 

_He shows_ **Snafu** _a mop, a broom, a Dustbuster and some disinfectant._

 

 **Snafu:** Ohhhh. Well, yous best come in, da Royal Council are expectin’ ya!

 

_He turns and_ **Hamton** _is about to follow him through the entrance when_ **Snafu** _suddenly points his lance at him again._

 

 **Snafu:** If yous are lyin’ ta me, ya’ll get dis shoved up where da sun don’t shine! I’m one of da best guards in Paris!

 

_He turns and promptly falls down, his armour clanking and the visor on his helmet covering his face._

**Hamton:** (Watching as **Snafu** struggles to adjust his visor) Err…you’re okay. I’ll find my own way in…

 

_Stepping over the guard’s prone form, he walks through the entrance into the palace. We get sweeping camera angles as he marvels at all of the colourful flags that adorn either side of the walls, and listens to the harpsichord that can be heard playing. Suddenly, we hear a familiar grumbling from around a corner._

 

 **??? :** I can’t believe this! I studied Stanislavski an’ this is my big break?! I can recite all of D.D’s lines from all his cartoons, and THIS is the role they give me in the first ever theatrical motion picture?!

**Hamton** _peers around the corner to see_ **Plucky** _wearing a red and green jester outfit with bells on his hat._ **Plucky** _has his back to us as the pig creeps closer._

**Plucky:** When all this is over, I am gonna have a word with this Redtop fella an’–

 

 **Hamton** _is now right behind_ **Plucky**.

**Hamton:** Hi, there!

 

 **Plucky:** AAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 

_He leaps into the air, hits his head on the ceiling, and lands flat on his face. A lump now protrudes from the top of his head; his hat is perched on it._

**Hamton:** A-Are you okay?

 

 **Plucky:** (Jumping to his feet and staring him bill to snout) DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!! I coulda sliced ya to ribbons with my bare wings!

 

 **Hamton:** Gee, I’m sorry! _He looks at_ **Plucky’s** _outfit._ Hey! Did the king give you the job of bein’ a janitor here, too?

 

 **Plucky:** (Affronted) WHAT?! ME?! A JANITOR?! How DARE you suggest such a thing?! I refuse ta stoop ta such a level of menial labour!

 

_He poses grandly._

 

 **Plucky:** This clothing, my dear philistine, is the uniform of a performer! I am the most versatile actor in all of France! (To the camera) And yet I’m STILL the sidekick! (To **Hamton** ) Here is a series of photographs that demonstrate my acting prowess!

 

 _He takes out a photo album and shoves it in_ **Hamton’s** _face. The camera cuts to a photograph of_ **Plucky** _covered in birthday cake, with a crying_ **Lil’ Sneezer** _sat at a chair with a banner that says_ **“Birthday Boy”.** _The camera then cuts to_ **Plucky** _covered in tomatoes on a stage which has a banner saying_ **“COMEDY NIGHT FOR BURNT-OUT STARS THAT ARE SO DESPERATE TO GET OUT OF OBSCURITY, THEY’LL DO ANYTHING”** _. The final photo that the camera cuts to is of a sneering_ **Plucky** _, with a sponge in one hand and a bucket of soapy water in the other, washing a fancy red car._

**Hamton:** Uhhh…

 

_He is unimpressed, but trying not to show it._

 

 **Hamton:** That…sure is good for your curriculum vitae!

 

 **Plucky:** My what now?

 

_He puts the album behind his back._

 

 **Plucky:** Anyway, today’s gonna be my big break! If I can get this acting job for the king, then I’ll be famous! (To the camera) And let’s face it; my appearance in this movie makes the whole darn thing more watchable!

 

 _Suddenly, the door at the end of the corridor opens._ **Hamton** _and_ **Plucky** _turn to see_ **Junior Bear** _in a suit of armour walk up to them._

**Junior:** Duuuuuuh, are you guys the new recruits?

 

 **H &P: **A-Yeeeeeees.

 

 **Junior:** (Clapping his hands) Oh, boy! We got two janitors working here!

 

 **Plucky** _slaps his face with his palm and drags it down his face, bending his bill, which wobbles like a diving board._

_The camera cuts to the throne room, where_ **Lord Sebastian** _sits on the king’s throne, with_ **Tad** _and_ **C. Pew** _standing either side. On the left hand side,_ **Fifi** _sits on her slightly smaller throne, with_ **Shirley** _stood beside her._

**Sebastian:** (Calling to **Junior** ) Are the new recruits here yet?

 

 **Junior:** Uhhhh...(Beat) Yeah! Here they are!

 

 _He shoves_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _into the throne room._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Interested, to **Hamton** ) Ah! A fellow porcine! You can go first!

 

 **Hamton** _looks around, and points at himself._ **Fifi** _giggles._

 

 **Sebastian:** Yes, you. Now, come forward!

 

 **Hamton** _gulps, takes a deep breath, and strides towards the thrones. His eyes dart nervously in all directions as he approaches them. His eyes suddenly fall on_ **Fifi.** _A sound of a record scratching can be heard as the camera suddenly zooms in on her._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) The princess!

 

 _A thought bubble materialises above his head. We see_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _running in slow motion towards each other in a meadow filled with flowers, the sun is shining on the both of them, highlighting their respective colours. The chorus of_ **Happy Together** _by_ **The Turtles** _can be heard. Just as they are about to reach each other and embrace, the thought bubble suddenly bursts and the song abruptly ends._

**Sebastian:** ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?!

 

 _We are back in the throne room._ **Hamton** _is just stood there, awestruck and speechless. The camera cuts to_ **Sebastian** , _who is glaring at him._ **Hamton** _continues to stand there with a blank expression, his eyes fixed on_ **Fifi** _._

**C. Pew:** I think he’s been possessed!

 

_He pulls out a crucifix._

**Tad:** (To **C. Pew** ) We get it, dude. You’re religious!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _comes up from behind, and shoves_ **Hamton** _out of the way._ **Fifi** _, for some reason, glares at the duck._

**Plucky:** Ha! Stage fright! Typical of amateurs! Allow me to introduce myself.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Bored) The palace only needs one janitor: not two.

 

 **Plucky:** (Furious) I AM NOT A JANITOR!!

 

_He calms down and poses regally._

 

 **Plucky:** I am a performer! And I also have an announcement. I am the real lead for this movie!

 

 **Everybody:** WHAT?!

 

 **Plucky:** (Patronisingly) Yeah! Didn’t any of ya go to Rehearsal Number 87 on February 30th? There was a new revised script distributed that said that I’m the lead now!

_He pulls out a copy of the script and flicks a few pages. He shoves the page in the camera’s focuses. The page has been scribbled on with crayon. There is also a rather crude drawing of_ **Plucky** _stabbing_ **Buster** _with a knife, and another of him holding several academy awards. The words say_ **“Plucky is the star. Not that fat pig and his stinky girlfriend”**.

 

 **Plucky:** See? So, I’m the real star, now!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Flatly) That’s impossible. You’re a duck. Ducks are always the second bananas.

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) This is really starting to bug me. (To **Sebastian** ) Well, my mentor, D.D would beg ta differ!

 

 **C. Pew:** (Incredulous) D.D? As in Daffy Duck?

 

 **Plucky:** (Cockily) Yes. Impressed, huh?

 

 **C. Pew:** That pretentious dork who thinks he’s as good as Bugs Bunny?

 

 **Plucky’s** _expression changes to a frown accompanied by the sound of glass breaking._

 

 **Plucky:** (Furious) DAFFY DUCK HAS MORE FANMAIL THAN THAT RABBIT!!

 

 **Tad:** He does y’know. (Beat) He sends it to himself.

 

_Everybody roars with laughter._

**C. Pew:** Yeah! We all knew he was number two from the beginning: his mother gave birth to him on the toilet!

 

 _The laughter becomes harder as_ **Plucky** _seethes like a volcano._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Wiping a tear from his eye) So, you’re a performer, eh? What sorta performing do ya do?

 

 **Plucky:** I have performed with a travelling comedy group called “Le Perdant Fichu”! We have acted in countless burger joint- theatres! Unfortunately, my fellow union actors are currently taking industrial action. However, I left the strike in order ta get this job!

 

 _Suddenly, a brick smashes through one of the stained glass windows, hitting_ **Plucky** _square on the head. He crumples to the floor, stars floating around his head._

**Fowlmouth:** (Offscreen) YA DADGUM SCAB!!

 

 **Sebastian:** What a mess!

 

 **C. Pew:** I know. We should have those strikers executed for vandalism!

 

 **Sebastian:** I was actually talking about the duck, but you’re quite right! (To **Hamton** ) Here’s your first job! Clean up this glass, and repair the window!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Hamton** , _who was lying on the floor, leaps to his trotters and becomes rigid. He takes out a dustpan and brush, and walks mechanically toward_ **Plucky**. _He sweeps up all of the broken glass, picks up_ **Plucky** _and takes out a garbage pail. He dumps the duck into the pail, and daintily sweeps the shards in with him. Then, he zooms up to the broken stained-glass window, and disappears into a dust cloud of flying fists, spanners and pots of paint. The sounds of hammering and sawing can be heard. Everybody watches with interest, even_ **Plucky** _, whose behind is stuck in the pail. Finally, the dust cloud clears, and_ **Hamton** _, still with that blank expression, leaps down._

_The camera zooms in to the stained glass window. However, the painting on it is not the same as it was before it was smashed. Instead, we see a surprisingly-detailed painting of_ **Fifi** _dancing with_ **Hamton** _in a star-filled sky. They are surrounded by huge love hearts. The camera cuts to the real_ **Fifi** _, who has a hand to her mouth, genuinely touched._ **Shirley** _raises an eyebrow, clearly impressed._

**Sebastian:** Well, good job, my boy! I’m very – Wait a minute! The painting on the stained-glass window wasn’t that! It was of me eating a burrito!

 

 **C. Pew:** (Sneering) And it’s inaccurate. The princess would never associate herself with peasants!

 

 **Fifi:** (Suddenly speaking up) Why do vous think zat?! Ah mean…ah think zat zis cochon has shown some trés sufficient skills, Sebastian! ‘E eez perfect pour ze job!

 

 **Sebastian:** That’s true, princess, but he has the audacity to show us his secret desires. He should not flaunt them here! (To the camera) He should flaunt them on Rule 34.

 

 **Tad:** (Chuckles) Uh, huh, huh, huh. Y’know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the peasant has…a crush on the princess!

**Hamton’s** _blank expression literally shatters into pure undiluted horror. He looks up at the window he has just repaired and repainted. His jaw hits the floor in shock. He looks nervously at_ **Fifi** _._

**C. Pew:** The peasant…in love with the princess?! Why it’s unthinkable! It’s…

 

_He suddenly bursts out laughing. So does everyone else except_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _._ **Hamton** _shrinks in shame, and hides behind the pail that_ **Plucky** _is trying to pull himself out of._

**Tad:** A peasant marrying a princess. (He guffaws) That’s about as likely as Nickelodeon making a funny cartoon!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Laughing) This guy’s got ideas above his station! (To **Hamton** ) Okay, pig. Ya got yourself the job.

 

 _His face suddenly darkens as he towers over_ **Hamton**.

 

 **Sebastian:** But you STAY AWAY from the princess. She wants nothing to do with people who hafta work for a living.

 

 **Fifi:** (Indignant) Ah think ah can speak pour myself, Lord Sebastian!

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Fifi** ) Shut up, princess. (To **Hamton** in a deadly whisper) I’m warning you. If we catch you in even the same area as the princess, you’ll find yourself at the guillotine.

 

 **Hamton** _swallows hard at this dreadful threat._ **Plucky** _finally pulls himself out of the pail._

**Plucky:** HEY! Can I show ya my routine?!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Rolling his eyes) Oh, alright.

 

_He stumps back to the throne as the duck marches before the Council, a smug grin on his face._

**Plucky:** (Takes a deep breath) You guys wanna hear a joke? This movie!

 

_Everyone gasps._

 

 **Plucky:** Yeah, you heard right. I mean they FINALLY make a PROPER motion picture, and what do I get? I, the best character on the show? I get relegated to a sidekick role! The whole thing stinks worse than the princess!!

 

_Everybody gasps again._ **Fifi** _glowers._

 

 **Plucky:** Ya wanna hear another joke?! The Council!

 

 **Sebastian** _gets to his feet, a fierce scowl on his face._ _The only toons who don’t appear to be shocked by_ **Plucky’s** _“routine” are_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton**. **Fifi** _is glaring, still a bit offended by the duck’s joke._

 

 **Plucky** : I mean, what the heck do you guys do for the people?! You’re about as worthwhile as “The Looney Tunes Show”! Ya hafta sell yer anatomy ta buy a Weenie Burger!! And where does the money go? Ta you guys!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Ferociously) THAT’S ENOUGH!!

 

_Everybody goes silent. The warthog stomps towards_ **Plucky** _, who suddenly lays an egg._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) You dare to mock the Royal Council?

 

 **Plucky:** (Genuinely terrified) B-B-B-B-But that’s my act! It’s satire! The Simpsons do it all the time!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Still deadly calm) The Simpsons stopped being funny years ago.

 

_He leans closer to_ **Plucky** _._

 

 **Sebastian:** Do you expect us to allow you to work here…after that performance?

 

 **Plucky:** (Nervously, trying to get away from him) Well, heh-heh, according to the script…

**Sebastian:** (Interrupting, to the guards) Take this washed-up failure to the dungeons. He shall be executed at dawn.

 

 **Plucky’s** _jaw hits the floor and he briefly melts into a puddle before reforming himself._

 

 **Plucky:** (Horrified) WHAAAAAAT?! How come?!

 

 **Sebastian:** For showing an appalling amount of disrespect towards the council…and being about as funny as a stroke. (To the guards) Seize him!

 

 **Plucky** _quacks in panic and tries to run, but he is dogpiled by several guards. They all disappear into a dust cloud of flying fists and feet. When the dust cloud clears,_ **Plucky** _is tied up, shackled and has his head in some stocks._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) Oh, I see! You guys can’t stand hearing somebody else’s opinion!

 

_The guards begin to drag him away._

 

 **Plucky:** YA CAN’T STAND IT WHEN SOMEBODY GOES ALL POLITICAL ON YA!! ALL THE COMEDIANS DO THIS SCHTICK, YA KNOW!! I WANT A LAWYER!!

_The huge doors slam shut._

**C. Pew:** Being a skunk of the church, I would find the idea of execution to be quite an inhumane approach to justice...

 

_A rather sadistic grin suddenly crosses his face and even the throne room darkens as he continues._

 

 **C. Pew:** …If it wasn’t for my unrelenting lust for blood as it gushes from the stump of the decapitated head and stains the axe of the executioner! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!

 

 _The whole throne room goes silent. Everybody stares at_ **C. Pew** , _who is now back to normal, acting as if he didn’t say anything._

**Tad:** Duuuuuuude. That is messed up and disgusting. And I know messed up and disgusting ‘cause I’ve watched Ren and Stimpy.

 

 **Sebastian:** The Royal Council are now dismissed. (To **Hamton** ) Now, get ta work!

 

 **Hamton:** Wh-Where?

 

 **Sebastian:** At the lowest part of the palace, up to the highest part!

 

 _As everybody begins to leave the throne room,_ **Hamton** _looks over at_ **Fifi** _who is walking away. She suddenly stops and turns to look at him. She winks seductively at_ **Hamton** _before leaving._ **Hamton** _sighs happily, and begins to work._

 

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 2.

 


	2. The Prophecy

Welcome back to Part 2 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

**Scene 4**

_The camera roves down a dark staircase which we can assume leads to the dungeons. We can hear water dripping, and see rats scurrying about as the darkness grows thicker and thicker. The_ **Brain** _suddenly appears among the rats. He dominates the camera._

**Brain:** At last, I have your attention! By hijacking this movie, I shall rule the-

 

 _Before he can finish his monologue, he is suddenly crushed by a shoe which looks rather familiar. The camera pans upwards to reveal that the shoe belongs to_ **Lord Sebastian**   _who is carrying a lantern and checking whether the coast is clear. He hurries down the staircase. We can hear Brain moaning monotonously in pain with every step._

**Brain:** Ow….Ow….Ow….Ow….Ow….

 

 **Lord Sebastian** _reaches the bottom of the staircase. He scrapes the shoe that had stepped on_ **Brain** _across the stony floor._

**Brain:** (As he’s being scraped across the floor, speaking monotonously) Pain…so much pain… But not as painful as that show we did with that red haired brat.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Calling upstairs) Hurry up!

 

 _We hear frantic footsteps coming down the stairs. Suddenly, we hear crashing and shouting that echoes around the dungeon. After ten seconds,_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _roll into the light in a heap. They look up at the boar and grin sheepishly._ **Sebastian** _rolls his eyes and continues through the dungeon. The pig and skunk frantically get to their feet and follow him in order to prevent being left behind in the darkness._ **Sebastian** _holds his lantern up to a sign which says_ **“VILLAIN CONFERENCE POINT”** _. He is shocked to see this._

**Sebastian:** What the-?! (To **Tad** and **Pew** ) Who put this here?!

 

 **Tad:** Uhhh, huh-huh. I did! We’ll know where ta confer now!

 

 **Lord Sebastian** _groans in frustration, and then sighs. There’s no time for a lecture. He proceeds to a door with a sign on it saying:_ **“PASSWORD”** _. Below this word is_ **“Here’s a clue: the password’s fish”**. _He rounds on_ **Tad** _once more. The muscular pig just grins stupidly. The lord just unlocks the door, and the trio enters, shutting it behind them._ **Sebastian** _is about to speak, but_ **C. Pew** _talks first. The only source of light is the lantern._

**C. Pew:** Okay, first of all, these dungeons need better lighting. The Health and Safety in the 17th Century is appalling!

 

 _Instead of replying,_ **Sebastian** _just flicks a modern-day light switch to reveal that there is a skeleton in the corner of the cell and a corpse that is hung from the rafters above them, a noose wrapped around its rotting neck._ **Tad** _and_ **C. Pew’s** _eyes widen in horror as the boar turns the light off._

**C. Pew:** (Beat) Never mind.

 

 **Sebastian:** Right. (To **Tad** ) Give me the status report on the king!

 

 **Tad:** (Confused) What about the king?

 

 **Sebastian:** (Growls in frustration) Where is the king, now?!

 

 **C. Pew:** (Before **Tad** can say anything else) We have been informed that the king is about to board the Royal Ship in Britain.

 

 **Tad:** So does that mean his vacation’s over?

 

 _There is a beat as_ **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _just stare at him, before shaking their heads._

 

 **Sebastian:** Darn. If he gets on that ship, my plan’ll be ruined! (To **C. Pew** ) What d’you propose we do?

 

 **C. Pew:** Well, I say we-

 

 **Tad:** (Interrupting) We stop the king from gettin’ onto the Royal ship by providing a much better ship which isn’t much better because it’s run by pirates which we’ll hire. They capture the king and keep him from returnin’ ta Paris until we come ta finish him off!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Beat) That’s a terrible idea.

 

_He takes off his tiny hat and scratches his head._

 

 **Sebastian:** I know! We stop the king from gettin’ onto the Royal ship by providing a much better ship which isn’t much better because it’s run by pirates which we’ll hire. They capture the king and keep him from returnin’ ta Paris until we come ta finish him off!

 

 **Tad:** Great idea, boss-dude!

 

 **C. Pew:** Yeah! (His expression suddenly darkens) What do we do about the princess?

 

 **Sebastian:** (In disgust) Oh, yeah… HER. If we kill the king, she’ll immediately take the throne.

 

_He scratches his head again._

 

 **Sebastian:** I say, Pew…what was that thing ya said in Part 1?

 

 **C. Pew:** Uhhhh…

 

_He squints at his script._

 

 **C. Pew:** I said: “Being a skunk of the church, I would find the idea of execution to be quite an inhumane approach to justice...”

 

_A rather sadistic grin suddenly crosses his face as he continues._

 

 **C. Pew:**  “…If it wasn’t for my unrelenting lust for blood as it gushes from the stump of the decapitated head and stains the axe of the executioner! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!”

 

 **Sebastian:** (Frustrated) No, no, before that!

 

 **C. Pew:** Oh.

 

 _He squints at his script_.

 

 **C. Pew:**  I said “without being married to a prince, how d’ya expect ta rule the country once the king pushes up daisies?”

 

 **Sebastian:** (He snaps his fingers) THAT’S IT!! If the princess doesn’t find a suitor, she can’t take the throne. Since we’re part of the Royal Council, we’ll hafta take charge…and by we, I mean me!

 

 **Tad:** Uhhhh, that doesn’t sound like it’s the law.

 

 **C. Pew:** Ah, we’re villains! Whadda we care about the law?

 

 **Tad:** Oh, right. But what about that janitor we hired this morning? He had a crush on the princess.

 

 **Sebastian:** He won’t be a problem. Even if he does have a crush on the princess, she probably won’t return it. Only a prince can get the princess onto the throne, an’ he ain’t a prince! What can he do ta stop us? Spray disinfectant?

 

 **Tad:** Well, actually, it hurts like hell when it gets in yer eye, an’-

 

 **Sebastian:** Shut up. (To **C. Pew** ) Right, you go an’ make arrangements. I’m gonna put the princess under house…uh…palace arrest!

 

 **C. Pew:** That won’t be too hard: ya do that anyway!

 

 **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _begin to laugh evilly, while_ **Tad** _just watches them, genuinely confused as to why they’re laughing. Their laughter echoes around the dungeon, and then it’s abruptly interrupted by violent coughing._

**Scene 5**

_The camera cuts to a cell which is being guarded by_ **Snafu** _. He is cringing due to the really bad singing which is coming from the jail. A sign on the door says_ **“THE EXECUTION CELL”** _._

**Plucky:** (Singing) Noooooooooobody knows… the trouble (Coughs) I’ve seeeeeen! (He stops singing) No, no, I’ll try another song. (He clears his throat and begins to sing) It’s Friday, Friday-

 

 **Snafu** _suddenly rounds on the cell door and thrusts his face at the bars._

 

 **Snafu:** (Screaming) SHADDAP!!

 

 _The camera cuts to the interior of the cell._ **Plucky** _is sat there, his arms folded indignantly in response to this rude demand._

**Plucky:** PHILISTINE! Don’t you know who I am?!

 

 **Snafu:** Uuuuuuuhhh…a janitor?

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) This running gag had better start walkin’! (To **Snafu** ) I’m an actor! I was actin’! Didn’t that fat boar understand that?!

 

 **Snafu:** HEY! Dat’s Lord Sebastian yer talkin’ about! It’s a serious offence ta speak ill ‘o’ da Royal Council!

 

 **Plucky:** Oh, I get it. We’re not allowed to have an opinion!

 

 **Snafu:** Exactly! Now, keep quiet. Yer gonna die in the morning, so ya won’t be in dis cell forever!

****

**Plucky’s** _eyes well up with tears as he hears this statement. The camera begins to pan away from him._ **Plucky’s** _tearful expression suddenly turns to anger._

**Plucky:** (Indignantly at the camera) Hey! Where’re ya goin’?! I’m puttin’ on an Oscar-worthy crying-scene and you think you can just-

 

 _The camera abruptly cuts to_ **Hamton** _. He is covered in dirt and is scrubbing the palace floor with a soapy sponge. He stops and mops his brow. The camera pans across the corridor that he is cleaning._

**Hamton:** (Sighs) Filth, mess, muck and dust as far as the eye can see. Then again, at least I’m the pig who’s gonna clean it all up!

 

_He takes out a map of the palace and studies it._

 

 **Hamton:** Okay…I’ve done the dungeons, the kitchens, the throne room and some of the rooms that hardly anobody goes into.

 

_He suddenly looks at the camera, then at the map._

 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) Where did I get this map, you may ask? I…uh…got it during the intermission.

 

 _The camera cuts to see a view of the map, with_ **Hamton’s** _finger tracing it._

**Hamton:** Now, let’s see…I hafta do the highest part of the castle…that’s where the royal chambers are…

 

_We see his finger freeze on the drawing of one of the towers._

 

 **Hamton:** Th-Th-Th-That’s where the princess sleeps!

 

_His eyes become love hearts and he hugs the map to himself._

 

 **Hamton:** (Dreamily) Ohhh!

 

 _Suddenly, we hear_ **Sebastian’s** _ominous warning echoing._ **Hamton’s** _expression immediately changes into wide-eyed fear._

**Sebastian:** (His voice echoing) If we catch you in even the same area as the princess, you’ll find yourself at the guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…

 

 **Hamton’s** _expression changes from fear to annoyance as he reaches offscreen and carries a record player that is obviously broken._ **Sebastian’s** _voice is coming from it. As_ **Hamton** _does this, the word_ **“Guillotine”** _is constantly repeated until he whacks it with a mallet._

**Record:** (The voice gets slower as it malfunctions) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooooo…

**Hamton** _throws it offscreen. He becomes worried again, tapping his snout. He wants to go up to_ **Fifi’s** _chamber, but he is considering_ **Sebastian’s** _words. Finally, he makes a decision._

**Hamton:** The dungeons need cleaning, I almost forgot!

 

 _He picks up his sponge and water bucket and hurries offscreen, leaving the map behind. The map zooms in on the drawing of the princess’s chamber. The camera then cuts to the real tower. It zooms in on the huge window._ **Fifi** _is lying on her enormous four-poster bed, staring serenely up at the night sky._ **Shirley** _is sat at the makeup table, putting some red nail varnish on her fingernails._

**Shirley:** So, like, Fifi. What did ya think of those new workers? (Beat) That duck’s a dork. I’m totally sure I saw him washing carts at the royal stable a few weeks ago or some junk. Mind you, what he had ta say about the Royal Council kinda struck a chord. Too bad he’s gonna be executed tomorrow, but then again, that is totally bogus. That duck’s a metaphor for the working class. They hafta work an’ get nothing in return. It’s a shame that he’s too insufferable ta be likable.

 

 _It is obvious that_ **Fifi** _is not paying attention. She continues to stare up at the cloudless sky. The stars suddenly form a constellation that looks suspiciously like_ **Hamton** _. She sighs happily._

**Shirley:** On the other hand, that pig seemed nice. He couldn’t take his eyes off ya! Then, when he remade the stained glass window, which was mondo sweet of him, that dumb lord laughed at him. Y’know what, Feef? (Beat) I think that you’ve got an admirer! Usually if anybody did what he did, it would be really kinda…creepy. But with him, it seemed…genuine!

 

 _Once again,_ **Fifi** _doesn’t answer._ **Shirley** _has picked up on this, and looks at her through the reflection in the mirror._

**Shirley:** Fifi…say something, will ya? I don’t like talkin’ to myself!

 

 **Fifi** _doesn’t answer. She just sighs wistfully._ **Shirley** _looks at the camera with a smug grin on her face: she has realised why the princess is behaving rather oddly. She crosses to the four-poster bed and takes a deep breath._

**Shirley:** (Loudly) Like, hello there, Mr Janitor Pig! Have ya come ta clean up?

_This has quite an effect on_ **Fifi** _. She sits up in shock…only to find there’s nobody there._ **Shirley** _begins to laugh._ **Fifi** _glares._

**Fifi:** (Indignant) Zat wasn’t funny, Shirley!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, I knew it! Ya totally have the hots for that janitor!

 

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Et vat eez wrong weeth him, may ah ask? Do not tell moi zat vous look down on ze people, too!

 

 **Shirley:** (Stops laughing) What? No, ‘o’ course I don’t! Sheesh, princess, I’m getting some defensive vibes from you!

 

 **Fifi’s** _anger visibly abates. She sighs._

**Fifi:** Ah am sorry, Shirley. E-Eet’s just zat ah…have never felt zis way before. Zat pig ‘as something zat zose other suitors do not!

 

 **Shirley:** A mop?

 

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) NON! (Dreamily) Ze Cuteness… Ohhhh…

 

_She reclines on her bed once more._

 

 **Fifi:** Shirley…do vous know eef ‘e returns mon feelings?

 

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Yes. I totally do. (To **Fifi** ) Like, no, I don’t. How about I ask my crystal ball?

 

 _As she says this, she pulls her crystal ball out from her dress pocket and hops onto the bed with_ **Fifi**.

 

 **Fifi:** Ask eef ze pig loves moi too!

 

 **Shirley:** Okay, but we have ta do this mondo quickly. If any of the guards catch me doin’ this, I’ll be burned at the stake for witchcraft or some junk! (Closes her eyes) Crystal ball, listen closely, will ya? The princess would like ta know if that new janitor loves her. Give us the answer, an’ do it quick ‘cos yer battery’s low.

 

 _The crystal ball rises off the bed. To the shock of the girls, it turns red, and the word_ **“DANGER”** _appears._

**Fifi:** Danger? Eez eet dangerous to love him? (To the camera) Ah love un forbidden love. Zey are trés romantique!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, I dunno, I’ll ask it. Crystal ball, what’s the danger?

 

 _The crystal ball suddenly shows a silhouette of what looks like_ **Lord Sebastian**. _Two more silhouettes resembling_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _appear as well._

 

 **Fifi:** (Disgust) Lord Sebastian?! Ah am not in love avec ‘im! Shirley, vat eez ze meaning of zis?

 

 **Shirley** _doesn’t answer. She has her fingers to her forehead, massaging them. Her eyes are closed._

**Shirley:** Danger…corruption…murder…the king…

 

_Her eyes snap open in horror._

 

 **Shirley:** Like, this is mondo serious!

 

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Vat?! Tell moi, Shirley!

 

 **Shirley:** Fifi…it’s Sebastian! He plans ta take over the throne!

 

 **Fifi:** Quoi?!

 

 **Shirley:** That ain’t the worst part. He’s gonna kill yer dad, an’ force ya ta marry him! Once he takes over France, the people shall totally be in danger!

 

 **Fifi:** Non! (Pleading) Shirley, zis cannot be true! Zere must be something zat can stop ‘im!

 

_Suddenly, the crystal ball changes from red to a pure white colour. A silhouette begins to materialise._

**Shirley:** Or someone…

 

_She stares intently at the crystal ball._

 

 **Shirley:** Crystal ball, who is this figure?

 

_She closes her eyes as_ **Fifi** _looks at it. The silhouette looks familiar._

 

 **Shirley:** There is hope for us all… a brave and mighty hero shall arrive at the palace taking the form of a humble worker…he shall be the one ta stop Sebastian and save the king and all of France!

 

 _The silhouette begins to form into an image of_ **Hamton** _dressed in a suit of armour and holding a sword above his head. A steely, determined grin is on his face._ **Fifi’s** _eyes widen in surprise before they turn into love hearts._

**Shirley:** The warrior is known as… Fleche De Lard! (Her eyes open)

 

 **Fifi:** Fleche De Lard?

 

 **Shirley:** Yeah.

 

_She takes out a French dictionary and studies it._

 

 **Shirley:** That’s French for…

 

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting) Arrow of Bacon… (Giggles) Ah wonder if eet refers to ‘is sword?

 

 **Shirley:** (Giggles) It could be, or it couldn’t!

 

_She suddenly becomes serious as she puts the crystal ball back in her pocket._

 

 **Shirley:** According to the crystal ball, that janitor we saw this morning is Fleche De Lard! He’s totally gonna save France!

 

 **Fifi:** Oui!

 

_She gets up and gets off the bed._

 

 **Fifi:** Ah am going to find mon pére et warn him of zat Lord!

 

 **Shirley:** But ya can’t! The princess can’t leave the palace without an escort!

 

 **Fifi:** But ah will ‘ave un escort. Ah shall ‘ave Fleche De Lard! ‘E will go avec moi to find mon father! Ah shall get to know ‘im zat way!

 

_She winks._

**Shirley:** Well… _S_

 

_he leaps off the bed._

 

 **Shirley:** I’m totally comin’ with ya! (Musing) But first, we’ll hafta, like, find Fleche De Lard…

**Scene 6**

**Hamton** _is making his way to the dungeons. He has a rather sad look on his face as he knows he is unable to visit_ **Fifi** _due to his shyness. Perhaps some cleaning up should make him feel better…though he highly doubts this. The camera pans ahead of him to reveal that he is about to pass the cell that_ **Snafu** _is guarding and_ **Plucky** _is locked up in. We can hear the duck whining from inside his prison._

**Plucky:** So ya won’t let me out for 5 bucks?

 

 **Snafu:** (Patiently) No…

 

 **Plucky:** 6 bucks?

 

 **Snafu:** (Annoyed) No…

 

 **Plucky:** (Beat) No bucks?

 

 **Snafu:** (Groans with anger) NO!

 

_He looks to his left to see_ **Hamton** _approaching. His anger abates with joy._

 

 **Snafu:** (To **Hamton** ) Hey! Yous dere!

 

 **Hamton:** (In shock) M-Me? What’s up, mister?

 

 **Snafu:** (In recognition) Hey! I remember yous! You wuz gonna go get dat janitor position! Looks like ya were successful!

 

 **Hamton:** Thanks!

 

 **Snafu:** (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, well done. Anyway. Could yous do me a favour?

 

 **Hamton:** Well, I…

 

 **Snafu:** (Interrupts) Could ya guard the prisoner? T’anks, buh-bye!

 

_Before_ **Hamton** _can answer,_ **Snafu** _darts off._

**Snafu:** (To the camera) Goldbrick, I’m a goldbrick! I’m a goldbrick…

 

 **Hamton** _watches him go. Then, he does a double-take as he recognises the voice coming from the cell._

**Plucky:** Has that knucklehead gone? Whoever’s there, I’m innocent, I tell ya!

 

 **Hamton:** I wish I could help ya, but I hafta clean the dungeons…so goodbye!

 

 **Plucky:** WAIT!!

 

_He presses his face against the bars on the door._

 

 **Plucky:** Hey! It’s you! The janitor!

 

_He reaches a hand through the bars._

 

 **Plucky:** Since you’re the janitor, ya must hafta clean ALL the rooms in the palace!

 

 **Hamton:** Uh…yeah.

**Plucky:** So ya must have a key that unlocks every door!

 

 **Hamton:** (Cautiously) I…uh…I think so…

 

 **Plucky:** THEN BUST ME OUTTA HERE!!

 

 **Hamton:** I can’t! If I break any rules, I’ll get fired…or executed.

 

 **Plucky:** (Desperate) Whadda ya think is gonna happen ta me?!

 

 **Hamton:** (Reluctantly) I’m sorry…I can’t help ya. I hafta get back to work.

 

_He begins to walk away. The camera focuses on_ **Plucky** _. His face is sweating as he tries to think of something quickly. The camera cuts back to_ **Hamton** _walking away._

**Plucky:** I CAN TELL YA HOW TA GET WITH THE PRINCESS!!

 

 **Hamton** _freezes and his eyes widen. He zips back to the cell door._ **Plucky** _looks extremely hopeful at this._

**Hamton:** (Suspiciously) How do you know I have a crush on the princess?

 

 **Plucky:** (Deadpan) To be honest, buddy, I think the whole palace knows yer little secret. Anyway, like I was saying before, since you’re the janitor, ya hafta clean EVERY room in the palace!

 

 **Hamton:** Yeah…

 

 **Plucky:** And the princess’s sleeping quarters is part of every room!

 

 **Hamton:** What’re you getting at?

 

 **Plucky:** Why don’t ya go up an’ clean her room…while she’s in there?

 

 **Hamton:** (He ponders for a beat) Gee, that’s a great idea!

 

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) What can I say? I’m full of ‘em!

 

 **Hamton:** There’s just one problem with it…actually, there’s two. (He points up one finger) One: I’m shy to a fault. (He points up another finger) Two: If I’m caught in the same area as the princess, I’ll lose my head…Lord Sebastian says so.

 

 **Plucky:** (Sneers) Him? Hah! He ain’t in charge of the country! Are you gonna let the chance of you bein’ decapitated get in the way of love?

 

 **Hamton:** Well…

**Plucky:** No, you aren’t! You and the princess are the stars of this picture… (To the camera) Stupid decision, if ya ask me… (To **Hamton** )…Therefore, in order for the conflict to arise, you hafta meet up! So, what’re you waiting for, buddy? Go on up there an’ proclaim yer love for that skunkette!

 

 **Hamton:** Yeah… (More confidently) You’re right! Faint hearts never won fair ladies! _He runs offscreen._ Thanks, pal!

 

 **Plucky:** You’re welcome, bud-

 

_H_ _is eyes widen in sudden realisation._

 

 **Plucky:** HEY! LET ME OUTTA HERE!

 

_He begins rattling the bars in fury._

 

 **Plucky:** AWW, C’MON!! AFTER THAT PEP TALK I GAVE YA, I-

 

 _Suddenly, the door swings open._ **Plucky** _is shocked by this. He blushes with embarrassment._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Heh-heh. It wasn’t even locked…

 

_He leaps down._

 

 **Plucky:** Well, it’s time I left the building!

 

_H_ _e runs offscreen._

 

 **Hamton** _runs up the staircase. Once he reaches the top, he runs up the next flight of stairs. He does this five times, and he is visibly getting more and more tired with each run. After the fifth flight, he is now crawling up the stairs, panting like a dog and sweating. He falls down at the very top of the stairs. He pulls his head up to look wearily at the camera._

**Hamton:** (To the camera) Well… (Pant)…At least… (Pant)…It’s good… (Pant)...Cardio…

 

_He wheezes and flops down on the floor. After a beat he lifts his head up once more. His tiredness abruptly turns to happiness and his eyes turn into love hearts as he sees something offscreen._

 

 **Hamton:** I MADE IT!

 

_T_ _he camera cuts to a large purple door._

 

 **Hamton:** The princess’s sleeping quarters!

 

_He pulls out a WB shield from his pocket._

 

 **Hamton:** I can show her how well I can polish a shield!

 

 _Humming_ **“I’m in the Mood for Love”** _, he jigs happily towards the door and is about to knock on it when he suddenly freezes, just as his fist is nearly in contact with the wooden surface. The words of_ **Lord Sebastian** _,_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _echo in his head._

**Sebastian:** (Echoing) STAY AWAY from the princess. She wants nothing to do with people who hafta work for a living…

 

 **C. Pew:** (Echoing) The princess would never associate herself with peasants!

 

 **Tad:** (Echoing) Whoa! I’m a disembodied voice!

 

 **Hamton’s** _confidence literally leaks out of him like a sieve. He freezes, his face depressed._

**Fifi:** (From inside) Hurry, Shirley! Eef we are quick, ze guards will not know zat ah ‘ave left ze room!

 

 **Shirley:** (From inside) Okay, but this palace is mondo huge, y’know. How’re we gonna find him without bein’ seen?

 

 _The door suddenly opens and_ **Fifi** _is about to walk out when she sees_ **Hamton** _right in front of her. At first she is shocked…then she is relieved._

**Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) Ah believe we ‘ave found ‘im!

 

_She notices the shield he’s carrying._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) Et ‘e ‘as come prepared!

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Oh! Good evening, your majesty!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, he’s got mondo good manners, too!

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) …Mondo?

 

 **Fifi:** Quickly, Fleche De Lard! Een ‘ere!

 

_She and_ **Shirley** _grab_ **Hamton** _by the hands and pull him into the room, slamming the door behind them. The camera cuts to the interior of the princess’s bedroom._ **Hamton** _is sat on the bed with_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _._

**Shirley:** Okay, Fleche De Lard, we totally don’t have much time…

 

 **Hamton:** (Interrupting) Uhh, who is this Fleche De Lard?

 

 **Fifi:** Eet eez tu, cheri!

 

 **Hamton:** (In realisation) Ohhh…

 

_He suddenly freezes as he realises what_ **Fifi** _just said._

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) She called me “Tu”…and “Cheri”!

 

 **Shirley** _takes out the crystal ball from her pocket._

**Shirley:** Fleche De Lard, just look at the crystal ball, it’ll explain everything. Once it’s shown ya, we’re outta here!

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) Outta here? Are we…eloping?

 

 _He is too stunned to be shocked by the fact that the lady-in-waiting has a crystal ball. However, the crystal ball does not come to life like it did before._ **Shirley** _taps it impatiently, but nothing happens. She shakes it like a Magic 8 Ball. Still nothing._

**Shirley:** Aww, phooey! (To **Fifi** ) The battery’s dead!

 

 **Fifi:** We must leave tonight! Ze more time we waste, ze higher ze chances are of zat lord taking over!

 

 **Hamton:** Whoa, whoa, Lord taking over? D’you mean Lord…Sebastian? (To the camera) ‘Cos otherwise, that’s a funny title for a lord.

 

 **Fifi:** (Pleasantly surprised) Oui! Zat eez correct! (To **Shirley** ) Per’aps we do not need to tell ‘im vat eez going on!

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) S-Speaking of Lord Sebastian, if he catches me with you, your highness, he’ll chop off my head.

 

_He is about to get off the bed._

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) So, I’d better be go-

 

 **Fifi** _grabs his arm._ **Hamton’s** _nervousness suddenly gives way to dreamy happiness at her touch._

 

 **Fifi:** Non, ‘e will not! ‘E does not ‘ave zat power! Et besides, tu ‘ave done nothing wrong. (To the camera) ‘E eez too cute to lose ‘is ‘ead…either one.

 

_She winks._

**Scene 7**

**Sebastian** , **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _walk up the stairs out of the dungeons. They are still laughing about their evil plan._

**Sebastian:** Okay, Pew, you go hire a pirate crew ta go to England an’ stop his Royal Highness from leaving. Then, we’ll just take a little visit up to the princess’s sleeping quarters ta confine her to that room.

 

 **C. Pew:** Sure thing…your majesty!

 

_He and_ **Sebastian** _continue laughing as they are about to pass the_ **Execution Cell** _._

**Tad:** (Confused) Hey! I thought there was gonna be an execution tomorrow!

 

 **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _stop laughing._ _They look at_ **Tad** _with a mixture of confusion and annoyance._

**Sebastian:** Of course there’s gonna be an execution in the morning, ya knucklehead. That so-called actor’s in there, look!

 

_He points at the empty cell, with the door wide open. His jaw hits the floor in shock._

**C. Pew:** I might be wrong, buuut…he’s escaped.

 

 **Sebastian’s** _jaw remains wide open for a beat, until he snaps it shut and goes red in the face with rage._

**Sebastian:** (Bellowing) GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDS!!

 

_Every guard in the palace appears out of nowhere, surrounding the furious warthog._

**Guards:** A-Yeeeeeeees?

 

 **Sebastian:** The condemned actor has flown the coop! Search the palace! Don’t let him get away!

 

 _The corridor rings out with the clanking of armour as the guards rush off in all directions. When the noise dies away, it is revealed that_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _have been trampled by the guards._

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Tad** ) No need ta worry, Tad, my boy. There will be an execution tomorrow: A DOUBLE EXECUTION!

 

 **Private Snafu** _is thrown into the_ **Execution Cell** _by some remaining guards._

**Snafu:** (To the camera) Heh. Ya get used ta dyin’…

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who is hurrying through the halls, trying to find a way out._

**Plucky:** This is just like an action movie…only it’s real! (To the camera) At least it is in this movie. (To himself) All I hafta do is find the way outta this dump an’ then I can find work as a strip-o-gram like I did after I got expelled.

 

_H_ _e comes to yet another dead end._

 

 **Plucky:** Darn! Another corridor that leads ta nowhere!

_He ponders what to do until he sees one of the guards patrolling the corridor._ **Plucky** _grins and snaps his fingers before running up to the guard._

**Plucky:** (In an extravagant tone) Excuse me, good sir. Could you tell me where to find the exit to this palace?

 

 **Guard:** Why certainly! If you turn left at corridor number 45, you’ll find the drawbridge there.

 

 **Plucky:** (Bowing clumsily) This condemned actor gives you his deepest thanks. (He salutes) See ya round, sport!

 

_He runs offscreen._

 

 **Guard:** (Chuckles) What a nice condemned actor.

 

_Suddenly, he freezes. A penny randomly falls out of nowhere and hits him on the head._

 

 **Plucky:** (As he runs) Okay, corridor number 22, corridor number 23, corridor number 24…

 

 **Guard:** (Offscreen) THERE HE IS!! GET HIM!!

 

 **Plucky:** What the-?!

 

 _He turns around to see over fifty guards charging towards him, wielding bows and arrows, swords, axes…and even machine guns. A bugle can be heard playing the_ **Derby Fanfare** _._

**Plucky:** (His eyes popping out) YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!

 

 _The camera abruptly cuts to_ **Sebastian** , _who is walking up the stairs towards the royal sleeping quarters._ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _are crawling after him, gasping for breath._

 

 **Sebastian:** I suppose that in hindsight, this fuss about that loser who broke out is just trivial. My men shall detain him once more.

 

 **Tad:** Dude… (Pant) …They ain’t… (Pant) …your men… (Pant) …They’re… (Pant) …the king’s!

 

 **Sebastian:** (In annoyance) I AM the king!

 

 **C. Pew:** Not… (Pant) …until I crown you… (Pant) …at the coronation.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Threateningly) And you will…

 

_He pulls a dagger out from under his small hat and points it at the skunk._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Threateningly) Won’t you?

 

 **C. Pew:** (Petrified) A-Anything you say, your majesty! By the way, doesn’t having that thing under your hat kinda hurt?

 

 **Sebastian:** Well, I do get dandruff sometimes…

 

_He notices that they’re reaching the princess’s room._

 

 **Sebastian:** Now, shut up! We don’t want Princess Stinky ta suspect a thing.

 

 _The camera cuts to inside the bedroom._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are watching as_ **Shirley** _fruitlessly tries to charge her crystal ball. The shield that_ **Hamton** _had with him to polish is at the foot of the bed._

**Fifi:** Shirley, please! Zere eez no time!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, I’m sorry, princess, but I don’t wanna keep Fleche De Lard in the dark about what’s going on!

 

_Suddenly, all three of them hear a loud pounding on the door. They all freeze._

**Sebastian:** (Offscreen) Princess!

 

**Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _sit there, mouths agape._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Offscreen) I know I should respect your privacy, but I’m going to abuse my power as the Lord by coming in anyway!

 

 _The door crashes open to reveal_ **Sebastian** _standing there,_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _stood either side._ **Hamton** _turns white with terror, but_ **Fifi** _looks angrily at the three villains._

**Fifi:** (Demanding) Lord Sebastian! Vat eez ze meaning of zis! Explain to moi, tout suite!

 

 _Before he can answer,_ **Sebastian** _suddenly spots_ **Hamton** _. His eyes narrow with anger and his fists clench._

**Sebastian:** (Irate, to **Hamton** ) YOU?! WHAT’RE YOU DOING WITH THE PRINCESS?!

 

 **Hamton:** (Cowering) I…I…

 

 **Sebastian:** (Interrupting) You disobedient little peon! You violated my order! You know the penalty for that!!

 

 **Tad:** (pointing at **Shirley** ) Whoa! Look what she’s got!

 

 **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _round on the blonde loon. The camera cuts to her._

**Shirley:** (Confused, shocked) Like, what? Something in my teeth, or some junk?

 

_The camera zooms in on the crystal ball._

**C. Pew:** That crystal ball…

 

_He pulls out a crucifix._

 

 **C. Pew:** SHE’S A WITCH!!

 

 **Tad:** (to **C. Pew** ) Hey, that’s not very nice! I think she looks pre-

 

**C. Pew** _bonks him on the head with the crucifix._

 

 **Tad:** OW!

 

 _Suddenly, some guards come clanking up the stairs. As they come into view, we see that one of them is holding a bruised and defeated_ **Plucky** _by the scruff of the neck._

**Guard:** Lord Sebastian! We’ve caught the actor!

 

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) Rosebud…

**Sebastian:** Well done, men! Throw him back in the Execution Cell!

 

_He motions to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _._

 

 **Sebastian:** And throw this peasant and the witch in with him!

 

 **Hamton** _suddenly grabs the shield and throws it. It hits_ **Tad** _in the face, knocking him into_ **Sebastian** _and the lord is knocked into_ **C. Pew** _. Like dominoes, everyone in the doorway is knocked over._

**Fifi:** (In surprise) Mon dieu, zat was-

 

**Hamton** _suddenly grabs her hand._

**Hamton:** (Urgently) Run, your majesty!

 

 _They rush towards the door,_ **Shirley** _putting the crystal ball in her pocket while she flees. As they cross over the prone bodies,_ **Hamton** _picks up the shield and carries it under his arm._ **Sebastian** _begins to pick himself up as they run downstairs._

**Sebastian:** (Furious) GUARDS!! STOP THEM!!

 

 **Fifi:** Why, Fleche De Lard, zat was magnifique!

 

 **Hamton:** Thanks, princess, but right now, we gotta get outta here!

 

 **Shirley:** (Looks back) And mondo quickly!

 

 _They all hear clanking footsteps and angry shouting behind them, which causes them to run faster. They are so busy running, that they do not notice that they are coming to the next flight of stairs._ **Hamton** _notices, and screeches to a halt, before he can fall down them. Unfortunately,_ **Fifi** _bumps into him, and_ **Shirley** _bumps into her. The impact causes them to fly through the air._ **Hamton** _drops the shield as this happens._

_What happens next is in slow motion. The wayward shield lands on the stairs, and_ **Hamton’s** _trotters get caught in the handles._ **Fifi** _lands sitting on his shoulders, and_ **Shirley** _lands on_ **Fifi’s** _shoulders. They look a bit like they’re performing an extreme water-skiing trick._ **Fifi’s** _long dress is covering_ **Hamton’s** _head as they begin to slide down the stairs. The shield has become a makeshift snowboard, as the footage runs at a normal speed._

# **Crash – Matt Willis**

**Shirley:** Like, surf’s up, dudes!

 

 **Hamton:** (Muffled due to **Fifi’s** dress) Hey! It’s a nice view under here!

 

_They slide to the bottom of the stairs and come to a long corridor with a stained-glass window at the very end of it._

**Fifi:** (Gasp) Lean left!

 

 **Hamton** _clumsily does so, and nearly loses his balance. They narrowly miss crashing into the wall. The shield doesn’t lose any momentum as they skid through the corridor. The guards reach the bottom of the stairs a few seconds behind them._

**Guard:** Stop in the name of France!

 

_He reaches for his bow, but instead of taking an arrow, he grabs_ **Plucky** _. Before he realises what he’s done, the gag-green duck has been launched away by the bow._

**Plucky:** Hey! I’m free! (Sings) I believe I can fly-

 

_He zooms past_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _…and crashes through the stained-glass window, leaving a duck shaped hole in it._ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _are shocked to see that they’re heading straight for the window as well!_

**Fifi:** (Gasp) Lean right, Fleche De Lard, lean right!

 

 **Hamton:** (Muffled) How come -

 

_He pulls the dress out of his eyes and sees what’s about to happen._

 

 **Hamton:** (Horrified) PRINCEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!

 

_It is too late. They crash through the window as well, the shaped hole represents a totem pole. The shield flies out of the palace, and begins to slide down the steep incline that is the palace rooftop._

**Shirley:** Whoa, it’s mondo chilly out here!

 

_She and_ **Fifi** _begin to wobble due to the steep roof. Because of this,_ **Hamton** _is in danger of losing his balance._

**Hamton:** Hang on, princess and lady-in-waiting!

 

 _They slide past a tower that impedes our vision for two seconds. Now,_ **Fifi** _is at the bottom,_ **Hamton** _is on her shoulders, and_ **Shirley** _is at the top as usual. They pass another tower, and now_ **Shirley** _is at the bottom, doing a handstand._ **Hamton** _is holding up_ **Fifi** _. They are both posing like two dancers on ice. They pass another tower, and they’re in the normal order, but now they are live-action animals. They pass another tower, and they are dressed up like_ **Hawkloon** _,_ **Scentanna** _and_ **Decoy** _, respectively. They pass another tower, and they’ve turned into caricatures of_ **Gail Matthius** _,_ **Kath Soucie** _and_ **Billy West** _respectively. They pass one last tower, and they’re back to normal._

**Fifi:** Mais non! We are running out of ze roof!

_The camera cuts to the view ahead of them which confirms they are approaching the edge of the roof._

 

 **Hamton:** And we’ve made a mess of it. I cleaned it a few hours ago…

 

 _The shield slides off the edge, and they begin to fall._ **Plucky** _, who is clinging onto the roof for dear life, notices them._

 

 **HF &S: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!

 

 _As she falls past_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _grabs his legs in an effort to stop the plummet._

**Plucky:** Ow! Hey, leggo, lady!

 

_His legs begin to stretch like elastic, and the shield’s fall begins to slow down._ **Plucky** _is visibly sweating, and he is beginning to lose his grip._

**Plucky:** (Straining) Ohh, my legs! This is the weirdest physiotherapy I’ve ever had!

 

 _The camera zooms in on his fingers. One by one, they begin to let go. Finally, as the last one is about to about to let go, his legs abruptly snap back like an elastic band, taking_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and the shield with them. They, along with_ **Plucky** _, all fly through the night sky and above the palace roof, before falling downwards and crashing through the tiles. The shield lands on the banister of a spiral staircase, and they begin to grind down it, sparks flying everywhere._ **Plucky** _is now balanced on_ **Shirley’s** _shoulders at the very top._

**Hamton:** Ooh! I’m losin’ my poise! Everybody lean to yer right!

 

 _They all do so, as the shield continues to grind down at top speed._ **Plucky** _constantly hits his head against the brick wall as they do so._

**Plucky:** (With every hit) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

 

_Suddenly, the camera cuts to the same guards, who begin to run down the spiral staircase after the fleeing heroes._

 

 **Shirley:** (Looking back) Like, they’re gaining on us!

 

 _They are nearly at the bottom of the staircase._ **Plucky’s** _head continues to bonk the wall. He spits out several teeth and glares at the camera._

**Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) That’s it! Now, I’m gonna drive this thing!

 

 _He reaches down, grasps_ **Hamton** _and throws him at the top on_ **Shirley’s** _shoulders. He smugly goes to the bottom, putting his webbed feet in the handles, just as they fly off the end of the banister. Suddenly,_ **Junior** _appears from a door, brandishing a wooden club._

**Junior:** Duuuh, Low-bridge!

 

_He swings the club as they pass. The camera cuts to a close-up of_ **Plucky’s** _face. We hear a crunching noise offscreen. The duck’s face screws up in pain with tears streaming from his eyes._

**Plucky:** (Voice suddenly squeaky) There goes Mom’s chance of having grandchildren!

 

_He puts_ **Hamton** _back in his former position, and sits back up on_ **Shirley’s** _shoulders._

_They zoom through the corridor at top speed. The camera shows that once again, their path comes to an end…only this time, they can see a chandelier hanging from the ceiling._

**Fifi:** (Suddenly) Ah ‘ave un idea! Fleche De Lard, switch places avec Shirley et zat duck!

 

 **Hamton** _, with the princess on his shoulders, switches places with_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** , _so that they are at the bottom and he is in the middle._

**Hamton:** Wh-what’s the plan, princess?

 

 **Fifi** _doesn’t answer. Wobbling, she stands up on_ **Hamton’s** _shoulders and bends over. Suddenly, her thick bushy tail emerges from under her dress._

**Hamton:** (In shock and awe) HOLY SWINE!! (To the camera) So that’s what felt so furry.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, Fifi, ya’d better explain yer plan quickly. We’re runnin’ outta floor…again!

 

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Too late, sweetheart!

 

 _The shield zooms over the edge._ **Fifi** _whips out her tail and wraps it around the chandelier. The momentum of their flight causes the chandelier to spin out of control like a carousel at maximum speed._

**HFP &S: **Whoa! …Whoa! ….Whoa! …Whoa! …Whoa!

 

 _As they spin around, we get a glimpse of_ **Hamton** _clinging onto_ **Fifi’s** _hands for dear life. In slow motion_ , **Hamton** _reluctantly opens his eyes…and sees_ **Fifi** _staring directly into them. An awkward smile crosses his lips._ **Fifi** _returns a rather seductive grin. Suddenly,_ **Hamton** _notices another stained-glass window which keeps appearing and disappearing with each spin. He gets an idea._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** , in slow motion) Llllllleeeeeeeeetttttt gggoooooooo, prrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnccccceeeesssssss!

 

 **Fifi:** (In slow motion) Qqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuoooooooiiiii?

 

 **Hamton:** (In slow motion) Jjjjjuuuuuuuusssssstt tttttrrrrrrruuuuuuusssssttt mmmmeeeeeeee!

 

 **Plucky:** (In slow motion) Wwwwwwhhhhhyyyyyy aaaaaaarrrrreeee wwwwweeeeeee tttttttaaaaaallllkkkkkkiiiiinnnng llliiiiiiiiiikkke tttthhhhhiiiisss?!

 

 **Shirley:** (In slow motion) Llllllliiiiiiiiikkkkke, I’mmmmmmm tooooooootttttaaaaallllyy gooooooooonnnnna ttttthhhhhrrrroooowww uuuuuuuuppp!

 

 _In slow motion,_ **Fifi** _reluctantly makes her tail loosen its grip on the chandelier. The speed abruptly returns to normal as the quartet flies off the still spinning chandelier and smashes through the window. The guards reach the end of the corridor just in time to witness their escape._

**Guard:** They got away. _He pounds the wall._ DAMN IT!

 

 _The camera cuts a wide shot of Paris. We can see the four figures of_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _flying through the night sky and begin to rapidly descend._

**HFP &S: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!

 

 **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _plunge into the Seine with a splash!_ **Plucky** _, however, lands on the cobblestone bank beside it with an audible crunch! After a beat, he slowly sits up, stars circling his head._

**Plucky:** (Groggily) Ooooooohhh…

 

_He shakes his head to clear it._

 

 **Plucky:** (Overjoyed) I can’t believe it! I flew outta the palace, landed on the stony ground, and survived without any serious injury!

 

 _Suddenly, the shield falls down and hits him on the head with a_ **CLANK!** _Once again, stars circle his head._

 

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) Ahh…mango juice!

 

_He faints._

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 3.


	3. Finding a Place to Stay

Welcome back to Part 3 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

**Scene 8**

**Lord Sebastian** _is in the throne room…sat on the king’s throne. He has a rather mellow, calm look on his face. Judging by the complete and utter terror of_ **C. Pew** _,_ **Tad** _and the guard in front of him, he has been given the bad news._

**Sebastian:** (Sweetly) They got away?

 

 _The guard reluctantly nods. He laughs heartily_.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** and **Tad** ) Did you hear that, boys? The princess, the janitor, the witch and that disrespectful actor got away! We-heh-hell, I’m not angry at all!

 

 _He suddenly gets up, lifts up the throne above his head, and smashes it to pieces on the floor. Then he calmly walks over to one of the curtains and rips it down. Then he stamps on it and tears it to ribbons. He then crosses to a wooden table and upturns it. He does all this with a calm smile on his face. The camera cuts to_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _, who are watching him nervously. We can hear crashing noises offscreen._ **Sebastian** _storms over to the guard and looks him straight in the eye._

**Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) I’m furious. You can march yourself over to the Bad Generic Guard’s room…now.

 

_The guard turns and runs away, sobbing like a baby. The doors slam behind him._

**Tad:** Y’know, that tone doesn’t sound very fur-

 

 _He is interrupted just as_ **Sebastian** _rounds on him and_ **C. Pew** _._

**Sebastian:** (Infuriated, to **Tad** ) MY PLAN TA USURP THE THRONE IS RUINED!!

 

 **Tad:** (Terrified) But THAT does!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Pacing the room in anger) The princess’ll go find her father, and since that peasant janitor is with her, he’ll tell him all about all the bad stuff we did while he was away!

 

 **Tad:** Uhh…when you say “he’ll tell him” and “he was away”, d’ya mean that the janitor’ll tell the king all about the bad stuff we did while the janitor was away, or-

 

 **Sebastian:** (Through gritted teeth) While the king was away…

 

 **Tad:** (Cheerily) Thanks!

 

 **Sebastian** _throws his hands in the air and storms up to the destroyed throne._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Sarcastically) Well, boys! My “Tyrant Takes the Helm” plot has gone down the metaphorical porcelain. We may as well just execute ourselves; because that’s what his royal highness is gonna do once he gets back!

**Tad:** Yeah (Beat) He’ll be real mad when he sees what ya did to his throne.

 

 **Sebastian** _buries his face in his hands in frustration, making an angry squealing noise._

**C. Pew:** I think you’re being too negative, my lord.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** ) Shut up, altar boy.

 

 **C. Pew:** No, really! You can’t give up now! (To the camera) Otherwise this’ll be a really short movie. (To **Sebastian** ) Remember that the king is still in England, and the quartet will have to go there if they’re ta spill the beans about our naughty campaign.

 

 **Sebastian:** (His anger slightly abating) What’s your point?

 

 **C. Pew:** Well, we are in the 17 th Century, which means that the only mode of transportation they have (He points to his feet) are these.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Interested) Go on…

 

 **C. Pew:** Not only will it take them days to travel to the Land of Hope and Glory…but the journey will be fraught with peril.

 

 _He counts on his fingers_.

 

 **C. Pew:** Thieves, highwaymen, the elements, and so forth. Oh! Did I forget to mention…assassins?

 

 **Sebastian** _now has a malicious grin on his face as he thinks about the cardinal’s words._

**Sebastian:** (Chuckles) For a skunk of the church, you sure have a devilish mind.

 

_He ponders for a beat._

 

 **Sebastian:** You just reminded me of the pirate crew that we were gonna hire as well. Not only that, but we could also offer a reward for the capture of our escapees.

 

 **Tad:** So, either way, we’ll have ‘em!

 

 **Sebastian:** Precisely! Maybe I was too hasty, boys. Paris is mine. All mine!

 

 **Tad:** (Confused) Y’mean ours, don’t ya?

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Tad** , flatly) No. (To **C. Pew** ) Go and write some letters. We’re gonna have some more job interviews! (To the camera) Forgive me a cruel chuckle.

 

 _He begins to laugh evilly for the second time that evening. As he does so, the camera pans out of the palace and over the city, his laughter echoing in the night. It slowly zooms in on the Seine, where we see_ **Hamton** _helping_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _out of the water, while_ **Plucky** _lies unconscious._

 

**Scene 9**

**Fifi:** Merci beaucoup, Fleche De Lard! (Coughs) Ah must say zat your idea to use your shield was trés bien!

 

 **Hamton:** Uh, no problem. But you helped as well. If it wasn’t for your idea of swinging on that chandelier, the guards would’ve caught us!

 

 **Shirley:** (Wrings out her cone hat) Well, we escaped, but we’re totally soaked, an’ in this evenin’ air, we’ll get pneumonia!

 

 **Hamton:** Oh! Let me get that!

 

_He pulls out three hairdryers from his pocket and hands each one to_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _._

**Shirley:** Like, mondo convenient! (To the camera) It’s kind of an anachronism, but I ain’t complaining.

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) ‘E comes avec un shield…et zese hairdryers! Fleche De Lard est un prepared gentleman as well as un hero!

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Um…why do you and your lady-in-waiting keep calling me that?

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _look at each other._

**Shirley:** We woulda told ya back at the palace, but that jerk Sebastian interrupted us.

 

 **Fifi:** Oui. But first, ah think zat we should warm ourselves up before we catch ze sniffles, no?

 

 _They turn on their hairdryers and begin to dry themselves off. As they do so,_ **Hamton** _can’t help but stare at_ **Fifi** _as she takes off her sodden cone hat to dry her flowing purple mane. It flows in the warm air from the hairdryer. He sighs dreamily as_ **Fifi** _turns to look at him seductively._

_Suddenly, we go into his subconscious again, and the song_ **“Top of the World”** _by_ **The Carpenters** _begins to play once more. This time,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are floating in the star-filled sky, similar to the stained-glass window that he painted. They are prancing after each other on all-fours, bouncing on the clouds. Finally,_ **Hamton** _catches up to_ **Fifi** _. He pounces on her and pins her down on a cloud._ **Fifi** _grins mischievously and tickles him with her tail. He laughs and loosens his grip._ **Fifi’s** _tail wraps around him and throws him off her. Now he is pinned to the cloud by her. He doesn’t mind this a bit._ **Fifi** _looks down at him seductively, and reaches down to take off his clothes…_

**Hamton:** OH!

 

_Abruptly, his daydream ends. The camera pans out to reveal that the hairdryer has blown off his rather tatty rags. He is completely naked. He looks up at_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _in shock._

 

 **Hamton:** (Sheepish) Heh-heh. Whoops!

 

 _The camera cuts to the girls._ **Fifi’s** _eyes are looking down at something we can’t see. She looks unsubtly pleased._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) ‘E must be un bon lover as well as un fighter, non? (To **Hamton** ) Et à ma gauche est un cochon nue. 

 

 **Hamton:** (Blushing furiously) Oh, I-I’m sorry for being this way in your prescence, your highness!

 

_He turns and crosses to retrieve his clothes._

 

 **Hamton:** (To himself, embarrassed) Un cochon nue… Un cochon nue! 

 

_He bends over to pick up his rags. The eyes of both girls widen in wonder. He has his back to them, and his piggy behind juts out._

 

 **Shirley:** (Whispers) Like, dat ass!

 

_She puts on some sunglasses._

 

 **Hamton** _blushes even more. We can tell he heard her. He also hears_ **Fifi** _giggling. Sweat begins to roll off his forehead and splash on the cobblestone._

**Fifi:** (Offscreen) Ooh, la, la! (Giggles)

 

 _Hastily,_ **Hamton** _stuffs his now dry rags on and turns to them._

**Hamton:** Are you both dry?

 

 **Shirley:** Well, I am, but, like, I can’t say the same for the princess. _S_

 

_he points to_ **Fifi** _, who has a seductive smile on her face._

 

 **Hamton:** (Blushing) Heh-heh. Sooo, how about tellin’ me what’s goin’ on? Y’know, why you call me Fleche De Lard?

 

 **Fifi:** Mais oui! Show ‘im, Shirley!

 

 **Shirley** _takes out her crystal ball and inspects it. The camera zooms in on it. We see a battery symbol._

**Shirley:** (Angry) Like, only 38%?! I’ve been chargin’ it for fifteen minutes! (Grumbles) Stupid Watermelon product. (Sighs) Okay, crystal ball, show Fleche De Lard his destiny!

 

 **Hamton** _looks at the crystal ball as it turns red and shows him the figures of_ **Sebastian** _,_ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _. He looks shocked._

**Shirley:** (Regarding his expression) Yeah, we totally had the same reaction. According to the crystal ball, Lord Sebastian is plannin’ ta murder the king an’ force the princess to marry him so that he can take over all of France!

 

 **Hamton:** Gosh! (To the camera) To quote my father: (In **Wade’s** voice) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was the villain of this picture! (To **Fifi** and **Shirley** , in his normal voice) B-But what does that hafta do with me?

 

 **Fifi:** (Sing-song) Tu will see.

 

 **Hamton** _looks at the crystal ball once more as the image begins to change. The red aura changes to the pure hue. He does a double-take as he sees…himself in shining armour, holding a sword above his head!_

**Shirley:** Like, a hero shall arrive at the palace taking the form of a humble worker. _She looks at_ **Hamton** _._ He’ll be the one to stop Lord Sebastian and save all of France!

 

 **Fifi:** Zat eez tu: Fleche De Lard!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who is still lying on the ground. He has one eye open, however._

**Plucky:** (Thinking) A hero takin’ the form of a humble worker? A hero who’s gonna save all of France an’ predictably get the girl?! That sounds like a spectacular plot for an actor of my talent! If I could come along for the ride, I could get 90% of the credit!

 

 **Hamton:** (Dumbfounded) M-ME?!

 

_The girls nod._

 

 **Hamton:** I-I don’t know what to say… (He ponders) No. Th-that can’t be me.

 

 **Fifi:** Eet does look like tu, Cheri!

 

 **Hamton:** (Dismissing) No, y-you’ve got the wrong pig. I can’t be this Fleche De Lard fella. I-I’m just a janitor!

 

 **Shirley:** Well, like, the prophecy does say the hero takes the form of a humble worker…an’ I think a janitor is pretty humble!

_Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _leaps up behind them, looking surprisingly happy._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Say, lady, does that thing say anythin’ about ME bein’ a hero, too?

**Shirley** _looks indignant, but consults her crystal ball nevertheless. After a beat, she turns to the green duck._

**Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) The crystal ball says that you’re the sidekick to the hero.

 

 **Plucky:** (Indignant) Typical. (Suddenly hopeful) Y’mean the kinda sidekick who does all the work an’ has a bigger fanbase than the hero?!

 

 **Shirley:** (Bluntly) Like, no. Your role in this prophecy is nothin’ but slapstick an’ bein’ constantly thrown under the bus.

 

 **Plucky** _looks bitterly at the camera._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Tu see, Fleche De Lard, ah am going to warn mon pére of zat lord before ‘e kills ‘im. Ah need your help to find ‘im.

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Fifi** ) Wait a sec! So you need this Flesh der Lards guy ta help ya find yer dad, an’ I’m be along for the ride because I’m (he shudders) the sidekick, so…

 

_He points at_ **Shirley** _._

 

 **Plucky:** Why’s SHE coming?

 

 _Instead of an answer,_ **Fifi** _punches him in the chest._ **Plucky** _doubles up in pain, clutching his chest._

**Plucky:** (Wheezes in pain) What was that for?!

 

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Zat vas pour saying zat ah stink!

 

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) I don’t remember that!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, yeah, ya did, green bean. Way back in Part 1.

 

 **Plucky:** (To Shirley) I hate you… (To the camera) But that’ll probably change by the end of the movie.

 

 **Fifi** _turns her attention back to_ **Hamton** _. Her anger has now changed to sweetness._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Will tu please ‘elp moi?

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _. Sweat trickles down his forehead and he bites his nails._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) Okay, let’s just think about what’s going on here: the princess wants YOU ta help her find the king and save all of France because of that prophecy…but suppose I’m not this Fleche De Lard?

 

_The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _, who is making puppy-dog eyes and fluttering her eyelashes._ **Hamton’s** _expression changes from worry to pleasure._

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) Okay, let’s be more positive. You have the princess, A.K.A the love of your peasant life, asking you to escort her on a long, arduous, potentially life-threatening journey. Perhaps ya could get ta know her on the way… Right… love or logic? Love or logic? Love or logic? Love or logic?

 

_Suddenly, we hear a voice echoing in his mind._

**???:** (Echoing) Help the princess, already!

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) Well, my heart wants me ta help her, so I guess love wins!

 

 **???:** (Echoing) I’ve got somethin’ ta do with love, but I ain’t yer heart, buddy.

 

 **Hamton** _looks at the camera in shock. Then, he looks at the skunkette before him._

**Hamton:** (Bravely) Your highness. Consider me…your personal escort!

 

 **Fifi:** (Overjoyed) Ohhh, ah knew tu would agree!

 

_She suddenly embraces him, wrapping her tail around his body._ **Hamton** _stiffens like a board._

**Shirley:** (To **Hamton** ) So, like, where d’we go, o heroic one?

 

 **Fifi** _lets go of the pig and steps back, anticipating an answer._

 

 **Hamton:** (Dazed) Huh? (Snaps out of it) Oh! Right! Well, uh, the king is in England, which is…

 

_H_ _e counts on his fingers._

 

 **Hamton:** 501.1km walking distance. It’ll take 83 hours ta get there, which means we have…

 

_He counts on his fingers again._

 

 **Hamton:** Roughly 2 and a half days.

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _._

 

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) 2 and a half days?? (Screams) OOH, I’M DYIN’!!

 

_He faints and falls offscreen._

 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) I did NOT sign up for a road movie!

 

 **Shirley** _rolls her eyes._

**Fifi:** (Musing) Eet will take un trés long time to get to mon pére. We could start tonight, mais eet eez getting late.

 

 **Hamton:** We’ll lose our way in the dark, your highness. I, uh, propose that we find somewhere to spend the night? (Muses) The trouble is, there aren’t that many fancy hotels around this side of the city.

 

 **Plucky** _suddenly jumps to his feet._

 

 **Plucky:** (Triumphantly) I know somewhere! It’s called “Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel!” (Haughtily) As a highly skilled actor, I once worked there as bus-boy, I mean, I played a bus-boy!

 

 **Hamton:** Wow! Where is it?

 

 **Plucky:** It’s not too far from here. C’mon, I’ll show ya!

 

_He turns and trips, falling flat on his face._

 

 **Plucky:** (Grumbles) Darn slapstick…

 

**Scene 10**

_The camera shows us a view of a neon sign which says:_ **Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel** _as if we are looking up at it. There is also a sign which says:_ **“Aucun paysans autorisés...cela signifie que la majorité des Paris!”** _The sound of a double bass can be heard playing some jazz music from within the building. The camera pans down to_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _as they look up at it._

**Shirley:** (Impressed) Like, nice place! (To **Fifi** ) If we didn’t spend most of our time stuck at the palace, I totally would’ve come here!

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** ) Um…this place is nice an’ all, but… (Whispers) we’re both peasants. We don’t have any money. We can’t stay here!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) Aw, stop yer worrying, Flesh de lad. In case ya haven’t noticed, we’re with royalty! The princess can just have the staff thrown in jail if we don’t have our way!

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Isn’t that kind of…mooching off ‘em?

 

 **Plucky:** (Smug) I’ve mooched all my life, an’ look at me now!

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , scornfully) An attention-seeking loser? That’s something I totally wouldn’t go boasting about!

 

 **Plucky** _is dumbfounded by the fact that_ **Shirley** _knew what he had said._ **Hamton** _smirks inwardly and walks over to_ **Fifi** _._

**Hamton:** (Uneasily) So, whadda ya think, princess?

 

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Hmmmm… (Beat) Ah like eet! Let us go in!

 

 **Hamton** _sighs with relief as they walk towards the door._ **Plucky** _suddenly doesn’t look too keen._

**Plucky:** (Nervously, to **Shirley** ) Uhhh…I’m kinda banned from here.

 

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, say what?!

 

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) Hey, I dunno why! All I did was resign and they didn’t take it well!

 

 **Shirley** _looks smugly at him._

 

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Yep, they fired him. (To **Plucky** ) Like, try not ta attract any attention to yerself, then they might not recognise ya!

 

 **Plucky:** Got it!

 

_He walks into the door and falls over._ **Shirley** _rolls her eyes._

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _enter the foyer. The foyer has several golden statues of what appears to be dollar signs. There’s also a fountain in the corner of the room. It looks incredibly expensive, which makes_ **Hamton** _, who’s wearing dirty old rags, feel incredibly nervous._ **Fifi** _, however, confidently reaches the desk. Some of the people in the foyer stop and stare as she walks past. Then, they look at_ **Hamton** _. He grins sheepishly and scampers after her._

 

 **Fifi:** Bonjour? Eez anyone zere?

 

 _Then,_ **Hugh the Tasmanian Devil** _appears from behind the desk wearing a smart looking tuxedo. There is applause from seemingly nowhere as_ **Hugh** _grins at the camera._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look for the source of the clapping in confusion._

**Hugh:** Well, well, well, if it isn’t the princess! (To the camera) Which it is. Welcome to the name of the hotel which I cannot pronounce because I never studied French! Ba-da-bing, Ba-da-boo!

 

 **Fifi:** Oui, bonjour, monsieur. Ze four of us would like un room, s'il vous plaît.

 

 **Hugh:** We-hell, righty-ho, then, your highness. Let’s see if we have a room for (To **Fifi** ) the princess, (To **Hamton** ) the guy who reminds me of my son’s piggy bank, (To **Shirley** ) the lady-in-waiting (To **Plucky** )…and the janitor.

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Y’know what? I give up.

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Hugh** ) Like, that’s totally cosmic! How much d’we hafta pay?

 

 **Hamton’s** _teeth chatter as he hears this question. But_ **Hugh** _shakes his head._

**Hugh:** Oh, no, no, no, little lady. That won’t be necessary. Y’see, I’m the new manager an’ because you’re royalty, you don’t have ta pay. (To **Hamton** and **Plucky** ) Now, back when the old manager was in charge, you two woulda been kicked out by now. However, I don’t believe in that sorta discrimination, blah, blah, blah, yakety schmakety. So, I made up my own rules. You four showed up on the perfect night! Tonight, everybody gets ta have a nice cool glass of OJ.

 

_Suddenly, all of the people in the foyer (except the quartet) each hold up a glass of orange juice._

**Crowd:** (Monotonously) Yay.

 

 _After a beat,_ **Drew the Tasmanian Devil** _walks out of a door behind the desk and stands beside_ **Hugh** _. The applause starts again, and_ **Drew** _bows for it until it ends._

**Hugh:** Well, hello there, brother who looks just like me only with a different colour scheme because the artists are so darn lazy. These four customers would like the mighty finest room this hotel has ta offer.

 

 **Drew:** (To **Hugh** ) Oh, sorry there, Hugh. As you may recall, it’s OJ night, and boy, I tell ya, there aren’t that many rooms left!

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _look disappointed, but then_ **Hamton** _steps forward._

**Hamton:** (To **Drew** ) Uh, are ya sure you’re outta rooms? We won’t stay long. It’s only for one night. We hafta go ta England so we need plenty of sleep.

 

 **Hugh:** (Incredulous) To England?!

 

 **Drew:** Are you guys fans of road trips like me ‘n’ my brother are?

 

 **Fifi:** Fleche De Lard eez right, monsieurs. We will stay in any room vous ‘ave to offer.

 

 **Hugh** _and_ **Drew** _look at each other for a beat, before looking at the quartet._

 

 **Drew:** Well, okay, then. You’re the boss…uh…princess! I’ll see what I can do. _He turns to open the door, but then stops and turns to face the camera._ (To the camera) Goodnight, folks!

 

 _The applause sounds again as he leaves._ **Plucky** _turns to_ **Hamton** _._

**Plucky:** (Approvingly) Good job, Croque Monsieur! I bet stayin’ in this dump is much better than workin’ in it!

 

 **Hamton:** (Modest) Y-Yeah.

 

_He looks around._

 

 **Hamton:** Gee-whizz! This place sure doesn’t look like anywhere I’ve been to!

 

_He looks down at his rags._

 

 **Hamton:** (Crestfallen) Suddenly, I feel kinda…poor.

 

 **Plucky:** Well, I hate ta break it to ya, buddy, but…you are.

 

 _Suddenly, the applause sounds again as_ **Drew** _returns._

**Drew:** Alrighty then, I’ve got some good news! There are two rooms available. One of ‘em had ta have some…pets removed…

 

 _The camera abruptly cuts to what looks like the alley at the side of the hotel._ **Rita** _and_ **Runt** _lie in a heap on the ground._

**Runt:** Duuuuuh, hey, Rita, I thought dogs always landed on their feet!

 

 **Rita:** (Disgruntled) Oh, shut up.

 

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Drew** _._

**Drew:** …But now they’re all yours!

 

 **Hugh:** Well, well, well, that is pretty good news! Since there’s four of ya, you’ll hafta make like a banana and split!

 

 **Drew:** (In mock shock) Split?! Can’t they try counselling?

 

 **Hugh:** No, bro, it’s too expensive.

 

_There is a beat as he does a slow burn, realising what he’s just said._

 

 **Hugh:** Okey-dokey, then. Room 1 is the Honeymoon suite, and that’ll go to…the princess and the pig.

 

 **Hamton** _looks shocked, and_ **Fifi** _is happily surprised._ **Hugh’s** _words begin to distort as we enter_ **Hamton’s** _happy place again._

_The song_ **“Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy”** _by_ **Queen** _begins to play as we see_ **Fifi** _lying (possibly naked) on a heart-shaped bed, waiting for somebody. Suddenly, the camera cuts to a golden door, which opens, and_ **Hamton** _comes towards the bed, stripping off his velvet dressing gown as he stands before her. He has his back to the camera, but there’s something glowing in his front region which_ **Fifi** _likes to see a bit too much…she gets on all-fours, like she is about to pounce…and then she does, knocking_ **Hamton** _over. We see several love hearts fly up from offscreen. One of them dominates the camera, and it fades back to reality, where_ **Hamton** _has a stunned, but pleasured face. Everybody is looking at him oddly._

**Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, that’s twice he’s done that in this part! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the writer totally loves writing these fantasies!

 

 **Fifi:** (Concerned, to **Hamton** ) Fleche De Lard…are tu alright?

 

 **Hamton:** (Abruptly happy) Oh, I FEEL JUST WONDERFUL!!

 

_He immediately calms down when he looks at the bemused witnesses._

 

 **Hamton:** I, uh, mean that I’m honoured to sleep with you, er, share a room with you.

 

_He grabs her hand and rushes upstairs._ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look at each other and shrug before following them._

 

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) So am ah, mon timide petit hero. So am ah…

 

**Scene 11**

 

 _The camera cuts to a piece of paper._ **Tad** _is lying on the floor in front of it, a crayon in his hand._ **C. Pew** _is pacing around him. He is wearing reading glasses._

**C. Pew:** Now listen closely, Duke Tad. This is what I want the, shall we say, job description to sound like. (Clears his throat) Lord Sebastian would like two roasted ducks, a fricasseed polecat and a slaughtered pig, and make it juicy because he likes to see suffering…and so do I. He shall pay good money for this job! (To **Tad** ) Got that?

 

 **Tad** _has been writing with the crayon while the skunk was talking. He looks triumphantly up at_ **C. Pew** _._

**Tad:** (Smugly) Sure have!

 

 **C. Pew:** Good! Now, mail that to the takeaway, I’m starving. OKAY! Now for the pirate crew we’re gonna hire. (Clears throat) Do what you want, ‘cos a pirate is free: you are a pirate. (To **Tad** ) Got that?

 

 **Tad** _has been writing with the crayon while the skunk was talking. He looks triumphantly up at_ **C. Pew** _._

**Tad:** A-Yeeeep!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Sebastian** _enters the room. He looks rather testy._

**Sebastian:** (Impatiently) Have you sent those job offerings, yet?

 

 **C. Pew:** (Saluting) In the process of it, your soon-to-be highness!

 

 **Sebastian:** Well, get a move on. Ya still have the reward posters ta place all over the city!

 

_He looks out the window._

 

 **Sebastian:** That foursome…

 

 _He is interrupted as_ **Tad** _starts sniggering. He glares, before continuing._

**Sebastian:** That foursome…

 

 _He is interrupted as_ **Tad** _starts chuckling. He glowers, before trying to continue._

**Sebastian:** That four-

 

 _He is interrupted as_ **Tad** _starts guffawing. He glowers, before trying to continue._

 

 **Sebastian:** That fo-

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Tad** _begins howling with helpless laughter. He rolls around the room, his legs kicking the air. The camera cuts to_ **Sebastian** _, who glares at the camera. Then, he explodes._

**Sebastian:** (Furious) THAT GROUP OF FOUR could be nearing the outskirts of Paris by now. We have to act fast. They need ta be back here at all costs! We won’t sleep until they’re captured!

 

 **Tad:** (Now calm) Ahh, don’t worry. I reckon that right now, they’ve decided ta check into some real expensive hotel in the city, and they’re gonna set off first thing in the morning!

 

 **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _stare at him for a beat._

**Sebastian:** (Dismissively) That’s stupid.

 

_He ponders for a beat._

 

 **Sebastian:** Hold on… something’s just come ta me… I reckon that right now, they’ve decided ta check into some real expensive hotel in the city, and they’re gonna set off first thing in the morning!

 

 **Tad:** (Stroking his chin) Hey, yeah! Maybe they have! Man, you’re so uh… not dumb, Lord Sebastian!

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Tad** ) It’s King Sebastian from now on! What with all these procedures we’re plannin’ ta capture that bratty princess and that janitor, they’ll be back at the palace by tomorrow lunchtime! _He looks down at the several blank sheets of paper in front of_ **Tad**. (Angry) But it’ll take longer unless ya get yer act together! NOW, GET BACK TA WORK!!

 

_He storms out of the room. We hear him slam the door._

**C. Pew:** (Impressed) Wow! (To **Tad** ) He’s already gone mad with power!

 

 **Tad:** Yeah…so, d’ya really think they’re stayin’ in some fancy hotel?

 

 **C. Pew:** (Dismissively) Nah…if you ask me, they’ll be huddling in some gutter, freezing ta death like…peasants, because two of them ARE peasants! They’ll probably die before they even reach the “Vous êtes maintenant quitter Paris” sign.

 

 **Tad:** (Beat) Y’know, I don’t think you’re a very good cardinal.

 

 **C. Pew** _looks at him, then at the camera in exasperation._

 

**Scene 12**

**Hamton** _tentatively opens a door that looks like_ _it’s made completely out of gold. His eyes widen in wonder. The camera cuts to what he is looking at: the Honeymoon suite is extremely large. It has a fountain with several statues of cherubs on it, and there is a huge heart-shaped bed which looks all too similar to the bed we saw in his daydream._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Uh…after you, princess. _He holds the door open for_ **Fifi** _to enter._

**Fifi:** (As she passes him) Merci beaucoup, Fleche De Lard.

 

_She has the same reaction as_ **Hamton** _as she checks out their room._

 

 **Fifi:** (Astonished) C’est magnifique! (Thinking) Zis eez bien. Ah may finally be able to…get to know ze hero.

**Hamton:** (Thinking) This room looks…familiar. Darn. Why didn’t the writer make this a mature movie? (To **Fifi** ) So, what do you think, your highness?

 

 **Fifi:** Ah…ah think zat eet eez wonderful! Eet eez much better zan ma bedroom back at ze palace! (To the camera) Et even better… ah am sharing eet avec Fleche De Lard!

 

_She winks._

**Hamton:** (Wiggling his toes on the carpet) Wow… The chance of me gettin’ a disease by living here has decreased by 99%!

 

 **Fifi** _giggles, and sits herself down on the bed. She sees_ **Hamton** _wandering around the room. She is confused by this._

**Fifi:** Fleche De Lard…vat are tu doing?

 

 **Hamton:** Huh? Oh, I’m just lookin’ for a place ta sleep. I, uh, I think that corner over there looks like a nice, cosy spot.

 

_He crosses over to it._

**Fifi:** (Giggles) Don’t be silly! Tu are sleeping avec moi on ze bed!

 

 _The sound of a record scratching can be heard as the camera abruptly cuts to and zooms in on_ **Hamton** _._

**Hamton:** (Shocked) Wh-Wh-Wh-What?!

 

 **Fifi** _doesn’t answer. Instead, she just pats the space next to her on the massive bed. The camera cuts back to_ **Hamton** _and it looks like we are about to re-enter his happy place when the door suddenly knocks._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _jump in shock, and look at the door._ **Hamton** _crosses to it and answers. Standing in the doorway is_ **Molly the Tasmanian Devil** _._

**Molly:** Hi-YEEEEE! Dad told me the princess was stayin’ here.

 

_She sees_ **Fifi** _and her jaw hits the floor, and then closes._

 

 **Molly:** (Excited) OMG, it’s the princess!

 

 **Hamton:** Uh…I hate ta be rude but is there any reason you came up here?

 

 **Molly:** What? (Realising) Oh yeah! (Announces) In honour of OJ Day…which is now OJ Night, my dad has organised an OJ party…as lame as that sounds…Everybody in the hotel is invited!

 

 **Fifi:** Un party? Ah ‘ave never been to one of zose!

 

 **Molly:** (Incredulous, to **Fifi** ) You’ve never been to a party?! You’re a princess! It would be a great honour ta have ya!

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) She’s right, princess. You go on down an’ have fun. I’ll just stay up here out of the way.

 

 **Molly:** (Confused, to **Hamton** ) You’re not coming? Why not?

 

 **Hamton:** Well, I’m a peasant.

 

_He looks down at his rags._

 

 **Hamton:** I have nothing ta wear.

 

 **Molly** _turns to the camera and grins, before turning to the pig._

**Molly:** (To **Hamton** ) Have no fear, Cinderella! You shall go to the ball, uh, OJ party!

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Uh, how?

 

 **Molly:** (Smugly) With a makeover…

 

 **Fifi’s** _eyes widen upon hearing_ **Molly’s** _words, before she grins mischievously._ **Hamton** _looks at them, and then at the camera. He chuckles nervously._

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 4.


	4. Party Time!

Welcome back to Part 4 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

**Scene 13**

_The camera roves through what we can assume to be the hotel’s ballroom. Here, we can see some of the guests:_ **Mary Melody** _is talking to_ **Granny** _and_ **Sgt Cosgrove** _near the huge buffet table which some of the small toons, such as_ **Sniffles** _,_ **Sneezer** _,_ **Sweetie** _and_ **Speedy** _are eating the food while_ **Flavio and Marita Hippo** _take one of everything from the table._ **Minerva Mink** _is stood on her own, and drinking what appears to be orange juice and_ **Arnold the Pit Bull** _is with_ **Arnolda** _near the entrance. Occasionally,_ **Freakazoid** _can be seen running around making whooshing noises._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _enter the ballroom. They are visibly wowed by the formality and the glamour of the event._

**Plucky:** (Impressed) Man, what a shindig! (To **Shirley** ) It reminds me of the Awards Ceremony I went to the other day!

 

 **Shirley:** (Dismissively) Like, get real.

 

 **Plucky** _glares at her, before continuing._

**Plucky:** (Dispassionately) I’m sure you royal folk have been ta much better parties than this.

 

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Not really. The princess and I have never been invited to a party since the king left. The parties we’ve been to: (she shudders) I’ve seen more entertaining funerals!

 

 **Plucky:** (Surprised) Really? **Shirley** _nods._ (Proudly)Well, don’t worry! You’re going to a party with me: Plucky Duck!

 

 **Shirley:** (Surprised) Pl-ucky? That’s yer name?

 

 **Plucky:** Yeah! (To the camera) It took four parts ta reveal it, but go figure. (To **Shirley** , patronisingly) Why? Don’t YOU have a name? Or is it “lady-in-waiting”?

 

 **Shirley:** (Defensively) Like, I totally have a name! It’s Shirley…the Loon.

 

 **Plucky:** (Incredulous) The Loon?

 

 **Shirley** _nods. He abruptly bursts out laughing._ **Shirley** _turns red with anger._

**Shirley:** (Angry) Well, at least it ain’t as dumb as Plucky!

 

 _Almost as suddenly as it started,_ **Plucky** _stops laughing._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) Touché…

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Jake the Tasmanian Devil** _, who is running around the dance floor with his superhero doll. Suddenly, he is stopped by_ **Hugh** _._

**Hugh:** Whoa there, little man, where’s the fire? Every superhero has ta take a break sometimes.

 

 **Jake:** (Disappointed) Aww, but Daaaad! I was just about ta save the world!

 

 **Hugh:** (Chuckles) We-hell, now you can save the OJ supply! Why don’t ya mosey on down ta storage an’ get some more!

 

 **Jake:** (Sad) Awww… (Suddenly happy) OK!

 

 **Hugh:** (Looks around) Say, now, where’s your sister?

 

 **Jake:** Giving the pig who shares a room with the princess a makeover. BYE!

 

_He runs offscreen._

**Hugh:** (Understanding) Ohhh… (In shock) WHAT?!

 

 _The camera cuts to the honeymoon suite. We see_ **Molly** _and_ **Fifi** _looking at what we can assume to be_ **Hamton** _with musing expressions. Throughout this scene,_ **Hamton** _is offscreen._

**Fifi:** (Cooing) Ohhh, ‘e looks so mignon!

 

 **Molly:** (Musing) Yeah…but a corset doesn’t suit him.

 

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, slightly choked) I’m…glad…you…agree. I…can’t…breathe!

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) ‘Ere. Let moi ‘elp.

 

 _She walks offscreen. There is a beat, before with an audible_ **TWANG!** _The corset flies past_ **Molly** _like a cork from a bottle._

**Hamton:** (Gasps) Thanks…

 

 **Molly:** (Cheerily) Yep, he DEFINITELY looks better without the corset! The blue clashed with his outfit.

 

 **Hamton:** (Sarcastically, to **Molly** ) I’m TOTALLY glad you thought that.

 

 **Fifi** _walks back into the shot, looking rather satisfied with the pig’s currently unseen appearance._ **Molly** _turns to her._

**Molly:** (To **Fifi** ) Well, he looks way better than before. Now, it’s your turn!

 

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Moi? Mais vat eez wrong avec vat ah am wearing?

 

 **Molly:** I just thought that ya needed a change! Y’know, like you two could be a date-

 

 **Fifi** _does a double-take upon hearing this. We can assume that_ **Hamton** _has done one too._

 

 **Molly:** (Backpedalling) Oh, did I say that out loud? Forget I said that.

 

_She looks at the camera._

 

 **Molly:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) ‘Scuse me one moment.

 

_She walks up to the camera, appears to hold it, and takes it offside._

 

 **Molly:** (To the camera) Okay, first of all: OMG, I’m in a movie, it took me twenty years but I’m on the big screen. Secondly, this is kinda gonna be a big reveal for these two down at the party, so why don’t ya go to the bathroom or get some more snacks ‘cos ya probably ate most of ‘em during the trailers. Buh-bye, now!

 

  **S** **cene 14**

_Back downstairs, we see_ **Jean the Tasmanian Devil** _carrying an incredibly tall stack of plates towards the buffet table._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _, who are waiting in a corner of the ballroom, supposedly for_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _to come down, notice her._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** , about **Jean** ) Y’know, I think she needs help.

 

 **Shirley:** (Impressed) Like, Plucky! That’s mondo sweet of you!

 

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) I know. (Beat) I’m gonna ask her if I can be tonight’s entertainment!

 

 _He rushes offscreen._ **Shirley** _rolls her eyes._ _The camera cuts to_ **Jean** _, who places the tower of plates onto the buffet table._

**Jean:** (Mops her brow) Phew! Well, that’s the last of them! Now all I have to do is toss the salad, make the finger food, plug in all the speakers for the music that’s ironically hundreds of years before our time, stir the soup and attend the council meeting!

 

 **Plucky** _zooms up to her and adjusts his hat._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Jean** ) Sounds like ya need help!

 

 **Jean:** (To **Plucky** ) Oh, I’m so sorry, dear. The hotel already has a janitor!

 

 **Plucky** _does a slow burn before calming himself down._

**Plucky:** (Regally) I am the greatest actor in all of France! Here is my card!

 

 _He hands_ **Jean** _a bent torn card._

 

 **Jean:** (While examining it) France? (To the camera) Oh! Silly me! I thought it was Canada!

 

 **Plucky:** (Pompously) I am offering you my service to perform at this social gathering, so let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: how much will ya pay me?

 

 **Jean** _is_ _still examining the card. She looks at the duck in front of her after a beat._

 

 **Jean:** (To **Plucky** ) Did you say something, dear?

 

 **Plucky** _turns to the camera, an exasperated look on his face. Bitterly, he snatches his card from_ **Jean** _and storms off._

**Plucky:** (Grumbling to himself) Philistine… (Calms down) Now, don’t give up!

 

_He scans the mass of toons in the ballroom._

 

 **Plucky:** Some of these chumps must have cash ta throw away.

 

 _He eyes_ **Minerva** _, who has just finished drinking her orange juice._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Perhaps if I butter ‘em up, I can get lucky…in more ways than one.

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Minerva** _, who is now writing in her diary._

**Minerva:** (As she writes) Dear diary, I’m making a guest appearance in this movie, and my treatment has been quite good. Apart from that, I’ve been at this party for quite some time and I haven’t found the perfect man: why do they all ignore me?

 

 **Plucky** _strides up to her, a cheesy grin on his face._

**Plucky:** (To **Minerva** ) Welll, hi there! What’s a nice young lady like you doin’ on her own at a party, huh?

 

 **Minerva:** (Dismissively) I don’t date second bananas.

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Stubborn little minx, isn’t she? (He ponders) I know! I’ll just use some chat-up lines I got from “Flirting against Humanity”.

 

 _He turns his attention back to_ **Minerva**   _who still looks unimpressed._

**Plucky:** (Clears his throat, with complete confidence) I think you may have farted, because you’ve blown me away!

 

 **Minerva** _looks at the camera with undiluted shock. Then, she glowers at the duck, who has his eyes closed with a smug grin on his face. The mink picks up a soup tureen and is just about to tip it when the camera abruptly cuts to_ **Shirley** _. From offscreen, we can hear a splash and a hiss of steam. The loon cringes._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, it’s hot in here!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Taz** _, who is begrudgingly carrying a bowl of oranges to the buffet table. He is wearing his red bellhop uniform. He sets the bowl down on the table when he hears an annoying voice coming from it._

**???:** Hey, hey, Tazzie!

 

 **Taz** _just grabs the talking orange and devours it. The orange screams as he chews it. Then, he swallows._

**Taz:** (To the camera) Taz hate unfunny meme. (Burp)

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hugh** _, who is stood near the ballroom door._

 

 **Hugh:** (To the camera) Alrighty then, that’s enough filler. It’s time for this movie ta move on!

 

_He takes out a copy of the script and looks at it._

 

 **Hugh:** Accordin’ to the screenplay, our leadin’ couple is supposed ta come on down to the party in five, four, three, two…

 

 _Suddenly, the door opens behind him and_ **Molly** _pokes her head in._

**Hugh:** (To **Molly** ) Well, hi there, sweetie.

 

 **Molly:** Hi, Dad. The princess an’ her date are ready. They’re gonna come in now. Could ya make an announcement?

 

 **Hugh:** (To **Molly** ) Sure thing. (To the guests) Okay, everybody. Can I have your attention please?

 

_None of the guests have heard him. They continue to talk amongst themselves._

**Hugh:** (Calmly) Everybody…

 

_The guests keep talking over him. Suddenly…_

**Cosgrove:** Hey. Cut it out!

 

_Abruptly, everybody goes silent upon hearing the police officer._

 

 **Hugh:** (To **Cosgrove** ) Thanks very muchly! (To the guests) Listen up everybody. I’d like to thank you all for coming to the party ta have a nice cool glass of OJ…

 

 **Guests:** (Monotonously) Yay…

 

 **Hugh:** We have two special guests stayin’ here for one night only. May I introduce you to…uh…?

 

 **Molly** _hands him a piece of parchment._

 

 **Hugh:** (Reading from it) The princess of Paris…and Fleche De Lard!

 

 _The guests murmur in wonderment and_ **Shirley** _does a double take. The doors slowly open as an extravagant fanfare abruptly begins to play. The ballroom is flooded with a bright light which causes everybody to shield their eyes. Two figures stand in the light, their shadows elongating across the floor. We see_ **Fifi** _wearing her Amazing Three get-up, with enhanced makeup and sparkling red lipstick. She is holding hands with_ **Hamton** _, who is glowing bright red as everybody looks at him. He is wearing a powder blue tuxedo with matching pants and black shoes._ **Jake** _turns off the stage light and the radio so that the bright light and fanfare end._

**Hugh:** Now that the guests of honour have joined us…let’s boogie!

 

 _Some dance music begins to play and everybody retreats to a different corner of the ballroom to converse._ **Fifi** _leads a reluctant_ **Hamton** _to the dance floor as_ **Shirley** _crosses to them._

**Shirley:** (Amazed) Like, Fleche De Lard, is that you, or some junk?

 

 **Hamton:** (Shyly) Yeah…

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** , adjusting her skirt) He cuts such un fine figure dans un tux, no? Et zis dress est trés bien. Ah never wore clothes like zis at un party after mon pére left pour England.

 

 **Shirley:** Speakin’ of yer dad, we can’t stay here forever, y’know. I reckon Sebastian’ll be hot on our trail.

 

 **Fifi:** (Scoffs) Shirley, zat lord will never find us ‘ere. Come on. Let us ‘ave some fun before ve start our journey!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _appears next to_ **Shirley** _. Some of his feathers are missing and his eyes are bloodshot and swollen._

**Plucky:** (Woozily) If you ask me…I wanna get outta here!

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked, to **Plucky** ) Ya can’t be at a party lookin’ like that! Here, let me help!

 

 _He grabs_ **Plucky** _and they go into a whirlwind of motion. Occasionally, we see_ **Hamton’s** _hands reaching out of the whirlwind and holding hairdryers and combs._

**Shirley:** (To **Fifi** , as they watch) Like, he’s mondo fast.

 

 **Fifi:** Eef zat eez vat ‘e eez like when ‘e eez cleaning, ah cannot wait to see vat ‘e eez like in battle…et other places.

 

 _The whirlwind of motion ends._ **Plucky’s** _jester outfit is all clean, and his feathers are back. He now has a red bow tie._

**Plucky:** (Admiring himself) He-hey! Not bad! Ya coulda given me a tuxedo, though. Now I can make more job proposals! _He rushes offscreen._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Hamton** ) Like, the princess and I were just talkin’ about how nimble you are. Ya must be pretty good with a sword!

 

 **Hamton:** (Surprised) Me? Nimble? E-Everybody in my family can clean that fast! (Thinking) And I’ve never used a sword before…

 

 **Fifi:** (Holding out her hand) So, Fleche De Lard, shall ve dance?

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) I’ve never danced either… (To **Fifi** ) Uh, heh, heh. Sure! B-But first, how about we get some food? I’ve never eaten REAL food before!

 

 **Fifi:** Why, certainly!

 

 _She regards_ **Hamton** _, a rather sympathetic look crossing her face._

 

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) Ohhh… ‘e ‘as never ‘ad un proper meal. Zis eez because of zat lord. Ze people are starving!

 

 _She follows_ **Hamton** _to the buffet table. The pig joyfully grabs a plate and fills it within seconds._ **Fifi** _and some of the other partygoers watch as he ravenously devours his meal._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Tu ‘ave not eaten dans un trés long time, ‘ave tu?

 

 **Hamton:** (Swallows a kebab) Not since the king left. I don’t think anyone else living in the city has eaten food as good as this, either! Starvation’s the norm in Paris. It’s become a way of life.

 

 **Fifi:** (Puts a hand on his shoulder) Do not worry, Fleche De Lard. Once ve get to England et save mon pére, tu et ze whole of France will never go hungry again.

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Arnold** _and_ **Arnolda** _, who are dancing to the music._ **Plucky** _walks over to them._

**Plucky:** (Smugly, to **Arnold** ) Evening, tall, dark an’ stupid. How are ya enjoying the party?

 

 **Arnold** _growls, but the duck takes no notice._

 

 **Plucky:** Okay, now listen carefully, Baron von Beefcake. How wouldja like an extremely talented actor such as myself ta work for ya?

 

 _He notices_ **Arnolda** _, and does a double take._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Arnold** , about **Arnolda** ) You date cross dressers?

 

 **Arnolda** _punches_ **Plucky** _in the stomach. The force of the blow sends the duck flying. The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _._ **Hamton** _notices_ **Plucky** _flying straight for them. He notices that the duck is about to crash into_ **Fifi** _._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Look out!

 

 _He tackles her to the ground. Seconds later,_ **Plucky** _crashes into the buffet table. The impact sends the food flying into the air._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** , reacting to him being on top of her) Oh, Fleche De Lard! (To the camera) Keen, eez ‘e not? (Winks)

 

 _They look up to see the food and drink about to rain down on them._ **Hamton** _leaps into the air and starts flailing his arms at the food in fast motion. In two seconds, all the food is back on their plates and he lands neatly on his trotters. He daintily places the plates and bowls back in their proper places._

**Hamton:** (Relieved) Phew! (To **Fifi** ) Are you alright?

 

_He helps her up._

**Fifi:** Oui, ah am fine.

 

_She looks at the food._

 

 **Fifi:** Tu are trés fast avec cleaning up!

 

 **Shirley** _storms up to_ **Plucky** _and glowers down at him._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , angry) Like, can ya stop bein’ an idiot an’ antagonising everybody?! It’s bad enough Lord Sebastian’s after us without you makin’ us run the risk ‘o’ getting’ kicked out! Besides, I thought you were, like, totally making a low profile!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** , dazed) None of these philistines are aware of the fact that I’m acting!

 

 **Arnold** _suddenly walks up and kicks the duck away in anger. We hear an offscreen crash. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who lies in a corner next to_ **Granny** _and_ **Mary** _._

 

 **Plucky:** (Groans) This prophecy hates me…

 

 **Mary:** (To the camera) Hey, I’m in a movie those rabbits got left out of! (Smugly) Now, THAT’S progress.

 

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _. The skunkette princess notices the music that has been playing._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Well, eet seems zat tu ‘ave ‘ad un bon meal!

 

_She gestures to the dance floor._

 

 **Fifi:** Now, ah believe zat eet eez time to dance!

 

 **Hamton** _gulps. It is painfully obvious that he does not want to boogie._

**Hamton:** (Chuckles nervously, to **Fifi** ) I-I’d love to, princess but…I gotta go!

 

 _To_ **Fifi’s** _disappointment, he turns on his heel and begins to run. The camera abruptly cuts to_ **Jean** _, who has a microphone in her hand._

**Jean:** Uh…is this thing on?

 

_She blows into the mic and cringes at the sound of the feedback._

 

 **Jean:** (To the camera) It’s on. (To the guests) Okay, everybody! We’ve got a song that was ironically composed and performed hundreds of years after this period in time. I hope you all dance ta this one! It’s Kool Aid…uh, that can’t be right…

 

# **Get Down on It – Kool and the Gang**

_As the song begins to kick in,_ **Hamton** _suddenly freezes, mid-run._ **Fifi** _is delighted to see this. The pig is dumbfounded by what is happening to him. We get a view of his trotter. It begins to tap in synchronisation to the beat. As this happens, he begins to turn around to see_ **Fifi** _. Her hips are swaying to the beat and her tail is swishing teasingly. She winks at_ **Hamton** _, before swinging her arm as if she has a lasso. She then makes a throwing motion in his direction._ **Hamton’s** _lower body constricts slightly as if he has been caught by a real lasso._ **Fifi** _begins to make pulling motions with both arms._ **Hamton** _is dragged by an invisible force back onto the dance floor and towards_ **Fifi** _. He is blushing profusely. He finally reaches her and she seductively “removes” the invisible lasso._

 

 **Fifi:** (Seductively) Going somewhere, big boy?

 

 _She begins to dance in front of him._ **Hamton** _just stands there, looking embarrassed. He looks around the ballroom. We see_ **Freakazoid** _wearing a white leisure suit and dancing disco-style. Then we see_ **Flavio** _dancing the tango with_ **Marita** _while_ **Minerva** _appears to be grinding on_ **Cosgrove** _, who just stands there, not affected at all._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) Well, there’s always a first time for everything!

 

 _Slowly, he begins to join_ **Fifi** _, trying to copy her dance moves. At first he looks nervous, until_ **Fifi** _dances closer to him and takes his hands._ **Hamton** _reacts as if he’s been electrocuted for five seconds before a look of pure undiluted pleasure crosses his face. His fear appears to leak out of him. He suddenly begins to dance rather extravagantly in kind._ **Fifi** _is pleased to see this and she starts to dance in that same style that she was doing when she “lassoed”_ **Hamton** _onto the dance floor. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. They’re the only ones who aren’t dancing._

**Plucky:** (About **Fifi** ) Y’know, that’s not very princess-like behaviour. (About **Hamton** ) I wonder how many laws he’s breaking just by being THAT close to the princess.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, mellow out. It’s a party!

 

_She gestures to the dance floor._

 

 **Shirley:** Ya wanna cut the rug, or some junk?

 

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs his shoulders) If ya wanna.

_They make their way onto the dance floor, hold hands and begin to boogie. They dance past_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who are getting a bit “close”._ **Fifi’s** _tail is wrapping around_ **Hamton’s** _body and his arms are wrapping around her waist. In fact, even some of the guests are noticing this._ **Hugh** _and_ **Jean** _stand in a corner of the room, watching the pig and skunkette as their dance becomes seemingly more and more risqué._

**Hugh:** (To **Jean** , about **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Y’know, I’m sure this movie’s rated PG, muffin.

 

 _Regardless, they watch as their guests enjoy themselves. There doesn’t appear to be anything that could ruin the mood of the party. The camera abruptly cuts to the streets of Paris. The palace guards walk around the city, hammering posters onto each building they come across. We do not get a chance to see what is on these posters, but we can assume that they are acting under_ **Sebastian’s** _orders._

 

**Scene 15**

_A rather modern clock on the ballroom wall above the door strikes twelve. The OJ party is over, and we can see_ **Taz** _spinning around, eating most of the mess that has been left behind rather than cleaning it up._ **Freakazoid** _and_ **Cosgrove** _leave the ballroom together._

**Cosgrove:** Hey, Freakazoid. D’ya wanna build a snowman?

**Freakazoid:** (Ecstatic) DO I?! (Flatly) No.

 

 **Cosgrove:** Neither did I.

 

 _The camera pans away from them to focus on_ **Hamton** , **Fifi** , **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _as they walk into the foyer and head towards the stairs._

**Shirley:** Like, that was SOME party, huh?

 

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Huh. I’ve been ta better ones.

 

 **Shirley** _rolls her eyes upon hearing this statement. She then notices_ **Hamton** _, who is looking rather nervous, despite displaying his seemingly newfound confidence whilst dancing with_ **Fifi** _._

**Shirley:** (Nonchalantly, to **Hamton** ) Like, I didn’t know you were such a great dancer, Fleche De Lard. Snappy dresser, too.

 

 **Hamton** _swallows hard and doesn’t answer._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) Oh, no. They saw that?! (Beat) Oh, yeah, EVERYONE saw that! What’re people gonna think of me?

 

 **Fifi:** (In response to **Shirley’s** question) Oui, zat ‘e is! (Addressing the group) Alright. Tomorrow, ve set off pour England-

 

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) It IS tomorrow.

 

 **Fifi:** Oh, oui. (Beat) Dans un few hours, ve set off pour England. Mon pére needs to know vat zat Sebastian eez planning. ‘Is life depends on us reaching ‘im before anything ‘appens! Ve ‘ave ‘ad our fun. Ah say zat ve should all get un good night’s rest. Ve shall need it!

 

 **Hamton:** (Saluting) A-Anything you say, princess!

 

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Need my beauty sleep anyway.

 

 _They walk up the stairs. The camera cuts to a corridor. We can assume that their rooms are in this part of the hotel._ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _unlock the door to their room and go inside._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _proceed to the room next door to the waterfowl._ **Fifi** _unlocks and opens the door to their room._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Well, see you in a few hours, your highness!

 

 _He turns and begins to walk back down the corridor towards the stairs._ **Fifi** _watches him leave with a puzzled look on her face._

**Fifi:** (Calling after him) Fleche De Lard? Tu sleep avec moi, remember?

 

 **Hamton** _freezes. He zips back up to_ **Fifi** _._

**Hamton:** (Embarrassed chuckle) Oh, right. Well, let’s go in!

 

_They enter the honeymoon suite once more. The moon is shining in through the huge window. The large heart-shaped bed looks incredibly inviting…in more ways than one._

**Hamton:** (Yawns) Gee-whizz. My first night in a proper bed!

 

_He sits down on it and bounces slightly._

 

 **Hamton:** Cosy…

 

 **Fifi** _looks around the room, supposedly, for some nightclothes. The only clothes in the room are her princess dress and_ **Hamton’s** _rags. A mischievous grin crosses her face._

 

 **Fifi:** (In mock surprise) Sacré bleu! Ah do not ‘ave any sleeping clothes! (Deliberately loud) Ah suppose zat ah shall ‘ave to sleep naked!

**Hamton** _does a double take upon hearing this. He begins to sweat profusely._

****

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Could tu unzip ma dress, Fleche De Lard?

**Hamton** _gulps for the second time this evening. Reluctantly, he gets off the bed and crosses over to_ **Fifi** _._ _With trembling hands, he takes hold of the zip on the back of the dress with one hand, and clamps the other hand on_ **Fifi’s** _side. He starts quivering, which causes_ **Fifi** _to vibrate rather violently._

****

**Hamton:** (In shock upon realizing) Oh! Sorry, princess! _He lessens the shaking, and_ **Fifi** _stops vibrating. A rather blissful look crosses her face before she shakes her head._

**Fifi:** Oh, non, zat’s quite alright.

 

 _There is a beat as_ **Hamton** _unzips the Amazing Three dress._

 

 **Fifi:** Fleche De Lard?

**Hamton:** Y-Yes, princess?

**Fifi:** Tu do not ‘ave to refer to moi as un princess all ze time. Ma real name is Fifi!

**Hamton:** Fifi?

 

_The skunkette nods._

 

 **Hamton:** That sure is a pretty name.

 

_He claps a hand over his mouth upon saying this._

****

**Fifi:** (Touched) Do tu really think so?

**Hamton:** Um… (Beat) …Yes. Yes, I do.

**Fifi:** Aww. Tu are so sweet. (Beat) Tu call moi Fifi from now on. (Teasingly) Zat eez un royal order!

**Hamton:** (Giggles) Sure thing, Pri- uh, Fifi!

 

 _The zip is finally undone, and_ **Fifi** _begins to remove it slowly._

 

 **Hamton:** I guess, since we’re on the subject of names… I know it’s against the law to give orders to a member of the royal family…

 

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting) Do not worry. Ah shall make un exception. _She winks._

 

 **Hamton:** G-Good! Well, is it alright if you call me Hamton from now on?

 

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Hamtone?

 

 **Hamton:** Uh, yeah.

**Fifi:** Why, certainly… HAMTONE!

 

 _They both giggle._ **Hamton** _steps back as_ **Fifi** _begins to remove her skirt and tights. He blushes and sweats profusely._

****

**Hamton:** Ya want me ta close my eyes?

**Fifi:** (Confused) Why eez zat?

**Hamton:** Well, yer…y’know.

 

_He scratches the back of his head._

 

 **Hamton:** I, uh, only met ya this morning!

**Fifi:** Pour some reason, ah do not feel uncomfortable doing zis in front of tu. Tu are special.

**Hamton:** Nah…

 

_He does a bashful little kick._

 

 **Hamton:** I’m a peasant.

**Fifi:** (Taking his hands) Vat difference does zat make? Tu are un citizen of France, are tu not?

**Hamton:** (Protesting) B-But Sebastian said-

 

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting) Sebastian tried to capture us et ‘e eez planning to take over. Ah do not think zat vat ‘e says eez important. Do tu?

 

 **Hamton:** No…

**Fifi:** Zere tu go!

 

 _She strokes_ **Hamton’s** _pointy ear, making him shiver pleasurably._

 

 **Fifi:** Anyway, tu shall be sleeping next to moi naked.

 

 **Hamton:** Oh, yeah. I will.

_As_ **Fifi** _takes off her high heels and gets into the bed,_ **Hamton** _decides to take off his blue tuxedo and pants._

 

 **Hamton:** (As he does this) So…Fifi. While your father was around…did you ever have any…hobbies?

**Fifi:** (Puzzled) ‘Obbies?

**Hamton:** (Awkward chuckle) Yeah, ‘obbies. Like, musical ones, y’know?

 

 **Fifi:** Musique… (Brightly) Oh, oui! Ah did! Before mon pére left pour ‘is vacances…ah used to play ze harp.

 

 **Hamton:** (Untying his shoes) The harp?

 

 **Fifi** _nods._

 

 **Hamton:** Gosh. That’s such a pretty instrument!

 

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Ah know. Ah used to play eet on special occasions. (Wistfully) Mon pére loved to hear moi play…

**Hamton:** (Dreamily) So would I…

**Fifi:** Would tu?

**Hamton:** Sure I would!

**Fifi:** (Thinking) Un hero…et un gentleman! ‘E eez more zan vat zose other princes could ever be! (To **Hamton** ) Vat about tu? Did tu play any musique?

 

 **Hamton:** Me?!

 

 **Fifi** _nods._

 

 **Hamton:** Well, yeah, I did. But the instrument I played wasn’t as beautiful as the harp… (To the camera) And it wasn’t even invented yet.

**Fifi:** (Genuinely interested) Vat was eet?

**Hamton:** It was the tuba. Before the king left ta go on vacation, I used to play it on the streets. I hoped that people would give me money to feed myself and my parents. The only special occasions were when my dad found a scrap of food.

**Fifi:** (Compassionately) Oh, mon dieu. Zat eez horrible!

**Hamton:** Not a lot of people liked my tuba playing. Can’t blame ‘em, though. It’s not as beautiful as a harp.

**Fifi:** Ah do not think so!

 

 **Hamton** _is taken aback by this._

 

 **Fifi:** Next to ze harp, ze tuba eez mon favorite instrument.

**Hamton:** Aw, yer just sayin’ that…

**Fifi:** Non, Hamtone. Ah am not. Ze tuba eez un beautiful instrument. Eet eez robust, yet mellow at ze same time. Ah love zat. Et ah would love to hear tu play eet.

 

 **Hamton:** (Touched) Th-Thank you, pri- Fifi.

 

_He takes off his shoes and gets into bed next to her._

 

 **Hamton:** Y’know… nah, it’s a dumb idea…

 

 **Fifi:** Vat eez?

 

 **Hamton:** Well…I was just thinking…Just! M-Maybe, we could play a…duet? Once this quest to England is over, that is.

 

 **Fifi** _ponders about this. Finally, she gives her answer._

****

**Fifi:** Oui. Oui, ah would like zat.

**Hamton:** Then again, tubas and harps don’t mix, do they?

**Fifi:** (Seductively) Zen we shall make sure zat zey do! Just like princesses et peasants.

 

 _S_ _he blushes after saying this._

**Hamton:** Yeah. (More confidently) Yeah! Then, someday, you could let me play your G-string!

 

_He instantly realizes what he had just said. He turns red with embarrassment._

 

 **Hamton:** Wh-What I meant to say is…

**Fifi:** (Playfully) Et tu would let moi blow your tuba.

**Hamton’s** _embarrassment ebbs away as he hears her say this. He suddenly begins to giggle._ **Fifi** _joins in with her mirth. As they begin to laugh, the camera pans away, and fades to the room next door._ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _are on all-fours, their ears pressed to the wall. We can hear the muffled laughter of the pig and skunkette faintly._

****

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Still a better love story than Twilight.

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 5.


	5. WANTED!

Welcome back to Part 5 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

**Scene 16**

_The sun rises over the city of Paris. The camera slowly pans down to the entrance of_ **Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel** _as the doors open and_ **Hugh** _walks out. He takes a deep breath of air…and chokes on it. After ten seconds of coughing, he looks down to see a poster, similar to the ones that the palace guards were placing all over town. He picks it up and reads it. We do not see what is on it. Judging by_ **Hugh’s** _widening eyes, it’s something quite shocking. He looks up from the poster to the camera._

**Hugh:** (Good-naturedly, to the camera) Well, well, well, it seems those four friends are four fugitives!

 

_He walks back into the foyer with the poster in his hands._

 

 **Hugh:** I think I’ll just head on in an’ tell ‘em the bad news!

 

 _The camera cuts to the foyer as_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _hurry down the stairs._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are dressed in their respective normal attires._

**Hugh:** (To the quartet) Ah! Just the four I wanted ta see.

 

_He holds up the poster._

 

 **Hugh:** (To the quartet) Are you aware of-?

 

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting as they pass) Merci beaucoup pour letting us stay ‘ere, monsieur.

 

 **Shirley:** (Hurriedly) Like, we’ll totally pay some time after the events of the movie.

 

 **Hamton:** (Hurriedly) That was a great OJ party!

 

 **Plucky:** I got nothing.

 

 **Hugh:** (Calling after them, waving the poster) Hey! Hold your horses!

 

_The group doesn’t answer. They walk out of the door without looking back. It slams behind them._

 

 **Hugh:** (To the camera) Well, ya can’t say I didn’t try.

 

_He picks up a golf club from offscreen._

 

 **Hugh:** I think I’ll go have my break.

_He walks offscreen, humming. The camera cuts to the streets. It is a beautiful morning. People are outside, going about their daily business. We can see the quartet walking hastily through the crowd. As they pass different townspeople, the people halt and stare at them incredulously, before turning to look at a familiar poster on a wall._

**Hamton:** (As they walk) It sure is busier in town today. We’ll be able ta hide in the crowd!

 

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Yeah, a princess, a janitor, an actor and a lady-in-waiting walk among the commoners! Sebastian’ll never find us now! (To the camera) Even the description sounds like a joke!

 

 **Fifi:** Regardless, ve must leave Paris by tonight! ‘Opefully, we will not run into any of zose guards while ve are ‘ere.

 

 **Shirley:** (Warily) Like, is it just me, or is everything gettin’ real quiet?

 

 _The loon is correct. Slowly, the sounds of hustling and bustling are beginning to dwindle as more and more people stop and gape at them one by one. The quartet begin to grow nervous as a deathly silence hangs over the city. Finally, they stop and slowly turn around. We get an enormous shot of hundreds upon thousands of peasants looking at the camera with blank faces and bulging eyes. Every toon, big or small, fat or thin, is gaping at the quartet. The camera begins to slowly pan around to focus on_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _as they react to millions of pairs of eyes looking at them as if they’ve turned into frogs._

**Plucky:** (Indignantly) It’s not very polite ta stare, y’know!

 

_The silence goes on. The quartet slowly begins to back away. The townspeople don’t move. It is as if they are under some sort of trance._

**Shirley:** Could ya stop that ogling, please? It’s totally creepin’ me out!

 

_Once again, there is no response. However, every peasant simultaneously takes out a poster, looks at it, then at the group of four. Then, they look at it again, and then at the group of four. One voice suddenly rings out like a trumpet._

**Peasant:** (From the back of the crowd) IT’S THEM!!

 

 _Abruptly, every peasant brandishes either a club, a pitchfork, a mace or a fiery torch. With a resounding yell, they charge towards the camera. It cuts to the quartet, who each do an eye-popping double take as they scream in horror. They turn on the spot and their feet spin like wheels for five seconds until they dart offscreen. Seconds later, the mob thunders past. The air is pierced with the thundering of millions of feet and angry shouting. The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _as they run in terror. We can see the hordes of furious peasants chasing them._

**Hamton:** (As they run) Wh-What’s got into everybody?! Paris is usually pretty seedy but you’d think they’d draw the line at this sorta behaviour!

 

 **Plucky:** (As they run) I’ve seen this before! They’re all peeved at the fact that they’re extras, so they get paid less than we do! They’re takin’ it out on us!

 

 **Fifi:** (As they run) Ah do not think zat eez eet! Ah think zey are revolting!

 

 **Shirley:** (Looks back as she runs) Like, some of ‘em are!

 

 _They come to an alley and quickly run into it. They hide behind some barrels. The camera cuts to the mob as they run past the alley._ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _crouch behind the barrels and crates, their eyes closed tightly, not daring to breathe. After a beat, the yelling becomes fainter._

**Shirley:** (Terrified whisper) Like…are they gone?

 

 **Hamton:** (Gulps) I-I’ll check whether the coast is clear…

 

_Extremely reluctantly, he begins to stand up and reveal himself from behind his hiding place. The alley is empty, and the street at the end of it is like a ghost town._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Th-there’s nobody there. We’d better get outta-

 

_He freezes in shock at something we cannot see._

**Fifi:** (Slowly standing up to join **Hamton** , concerned) Vat? Vat eez eet, Hamtone?

 

 _Without answering,_ **Hamton** _points offscreen._ **Fifi** _looks in the direction he’s pointing and is equally shocked. The camera cuts to a poster on the alley wall. The poster has black and white mug shots of the quartet on it. The words on the poster say:_

 

**WANTED!**

**BY ORDER OF KING SEBASTIAN**

**A REWARD SHALL BE GIVEN FOR THE CAPTURE OF: 1 PRINCESS: $1,000, 1 JANITOR: $900, 1 WITCH: $800, 1 UNFUNNY JESTER: $0.99**

**Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _are now looking at the poster as well._ **Plucky** _looks rather annoyed._

**Plucky:** (Vexed) $0.99?! I’m worth millions more than that! (To the camera) And it’s the wrong currency for this country AND this period in time.

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervous) King Sebastian? B-But I thought he was a lord!

 

 **Fifi:** (Darkly) ‘E eez…

 

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, we’re too late! He’s already taken over!

 

 **Fifi:** (Bitterly) Non, ‘e ‘as not. Ve must reach England tout suite. Mon pére eez still alive. Sebastian will pay pour zis…

 

 **Hamton:** But if the prophecy the crystal ball showed us is true, your dad won’t be alive for long unless we reach England before anything happens, we’ll hafta get going, now-

 

 **???:** (Offscreen, ominously) Ohhhh, no. The four of you aren’t going anywhere.

 

 _The quartet look up from the poster in shock. The camera cuts to the alleyway’s entrance._ **Montana Max** _, wearing peasant clothing,_ _is blocking what appears to be the only way out. The quartet are cornered._

**Max:** (Rubbing his hands together) This is perfect! All I hafta do is hand you over to the king, an’ I’ll be richer than I am in real life!

 

 **Shirley:** (Hostile) Like, that’s what you think, gap-teeth!

 

 **Fifi:** (Reproachfully) Shirley! (To **Max** ) Sebastian eez not ze king, citizen. Mon pére eez.

 

 **Max:** (Dismissively) Some monarch he turned out ta be! He walked out on us ta go on vacation an’ left us ta starve under the Royal Council!

 

 **Fifi** _growls and her tail rises upon hearing the brat insult her father. However,_ **Hamton** _interjects._

**Hamton:** (To **Max** ) But the ringleader behind our suffering has taken over the throne illegally! If you hate him, why are you and the whole city tryin’ ta turn us in?

 

 **Max** _ponders for a beat, before answering._

**Max:** Well, I’m mostly driven by my inherent greed, but the rest of the city need that money ta survive! The four of you are MY ticket ta Las Vegas!

 

 **Plucky:** (Condescendingly) What makes ya think he’ll do that? He’s a politician!

 

 **Hamton:** (Desperate) He’s not gonna pay you even if ya do catch us! He’s a VILLAIN!

 

 **Max:** (Laughs) Nice try, pork-belly! Ya think I’m gonna let you go because of that?

 

_He points accusingly at_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Max:** I know exactly what the two of you are up to! The princess is walkin’ out on us too, and you’re suckin’ up to her so that she’ll take ya with her!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Skippy** _peers down at the quartet from the roof of one of the buildings._

**Skippy:** (Excitedly, pointing) Aunt Slappy, I found ‘em!

 

 **Slappy** _appears and looks down at the quartet as well. A triumphant smirk crosses her face._

**Slappy:** Good job, Skippy!

 

_She rubs her hands._

 

 **Slappy:** (Greedily to **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Plucky** and **Shirley** ) You yutzes are my ticket to a milk bath!

 

 **Max:** (Angrily to **Slappy** ) Hey, back off, Grandma! I saw ‘em first!

 

 **Slappy:** (Indignantly to **Max** ) Hey! Respect yer elders, ya snot-nosed toerag!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Max** _. He’s about to retort when he is hit on the head by a barrel which breaks upon impact. He is knocked down, stars circling his head. The camera pans to_ **Shirley** _, whose right hand is glowing with a pink aura._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Plucky** _are shocked by this, but the loon takes no notice._

**Shirley:** Like, c’mon! Let’s get outta here!

 

 _They begin to run out of the alley, stepping over_ **Max’s** _prone form._

**Skippy:** (Pointing) Aunt Slappy, they’re getting away!

 

 **Slappy:** (Grimly) No, they aren’t, Skippy! I just hope we can get ‘em before those other chumps…

 

_The camera cuts to the quartet as they run out of the alley and through the street._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** , as they run) Ya made that barrel float! You really are a witch!

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , as they run, angrily) If we weren’t runnin’ for our lives, I’d zap you for sayin’ that!

 

 **Hamton:** (As they run) I-I’ve got an idea! …And a stitch…

 

 **Fifi:** (As they run) Tell us quickly, Hamtone!

 

 **Hamton:** (Pants) We’ll split up! (To **Plucky** ) You’re with the lady-in-waiting going…

 

_He points to the right._

 

 **Hamton:** That way! (To **Fifi** ) Fifi…you’re with me!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** , indignantly) Hey! Why do YOU wanna go with the- yikes!

 

_A_ _n arrow has been fired and flies over his head. They all look back to see_ **Skippy** _with a bow and a quiver full of arrows._ **Slappy** _is alongside him._

 

 **Plucky:** Never mind. C’mon, Shirley!

 

 _As they come to a street corner,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _run to the right and_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _go left. The camera follows the pig and skunkette as they flee through the city. Several peasants notice them running, and begin to chase them._ **Fifi** _suddenly notices another opening to an alleyway._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** , grabbing his hand) Zis way!

 

_She suddenly pulls him offscreen._

 

 **Hamton:** (As he’s being yanked) Whoa!

 

_They are in an alley that has a wooden fence with a hole in it._

 

 **Hamton:** Fifi, with all due respect, we’ve tried hiding in a place like this and we were nearly caught!

 

 **Fifi:** (Hurriedly) Ah know, mais zere are more places to hide. Zere eez less of a chance of zem finding us ‘ere!

 

 _Unfortunately,_ **Fifi** _is wrong. Looking down at them from a thatched roof are_ **Bobby** _,_ **Squit and Pesto the Goodfeathers** _._

**Squit:** (To the camera) As far back as I can remember…

 

 **Pesto:** (Interrupting, angry) Shaddap, jus’ shaddap! Do yous hafta say dat every time we appear?!

 

 **Squit:** Well, I…

 

 **Pesto:** (Interrupting, angry) Ahhh, shut yer beak before I give yous a knuckle sandwich!

 

 **Bobby** _glares at_ **Pesto** _, who subsides. They look down at the two fugitives who are trying frantically to find a hiding place._

**Bobby:** Look, it’s dose bozos from the Wanted posters. If we toin ‘em in, we’ll be able ta buy all da boidseed in da woild for our goils.

 

 **Pesto:** Hey, yeah. (To **Squit** ) Okay, bozo. You swoop on down dere, pick ‘em up an’ take ‘em to da king’s joint!

 

 **Squit:** Uhhh, I dunno, Pesto. I don’t think I’m strong enough. How about you fly on down an’ get ‘em. You’re pretty strong.

 

 **Pesto** _abruptly turns and stares_ **Squit** _down, beak to beak._

**Pesto:** (Antagonising) Whadda you tryin’ ta say, HUH?! Dat I’m all brawn an’ no brain, dat I’m some iron-pumpin’ beefcake who can’t t’ink?!

 

 **Squit:** Th-That’s not it at all, I-

 

 **Pesto:** Well, I’ll show ya! Two goldmines comin’ right up!

 

_He swoops down from the thatched roof._

 

 **Pesto:** (To the camera) Dis looks like a job… for da big feet!

 

_He blows into his wing, and his feet grow larger and talons sprout from them._

 

 **Pesto:** (To the camera) Ohh, yeah!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who are crouching behind barrels as angry peasants pass the opening to the alley._

**Fifi:** (Whispering, to **Hamton** ) Alright, Hamtone. Eef ve are trés careful, ve might be able to reach zat fence at ze end et hide zere…

 

 **Pesto** _flies above_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, hovering in mid-air, he floats_ _from side to side as if he were a claw machine. Finally, he stops over the pig and flies down. His talons grasp the pig’s shoulders with a vise-like grip._

**Hamton:** (In shock) What the-?!

 

**Fifi** _turns to hush him, but gapes in shock as she sees_ **Pesto** _beginning to carry_ **Hamton** _off._

**Pesto:** (Triumphantly) Hah! I did it! I got da janitor! Bobby, help me lift ‘um, he weighs a tonne!

 

 **Hamton:** (Indignant, to **Pesto** ) Hey! That’s not very nice! (To **Fifi** ) HELP!

 

 **Fifi:** (Furious, to **Pesto** ) Put ‘im down tout suite! Zat eez un Royal order!

 

 **Pesto:** (Mockingly, to **Fifi** ) Hah! You ain’t da boss of us! (To **Bobby** and **Squit** ) Da king’ll pay a good price for da janitor, now go get da princess!

 

 _Flapping his wings, he carries_ **Hamton** _as high as the thatched roof._

 

 **Hamton:** (Struggling, to **Pesto** ) Put me down, ya don’t understand! Sebastian’s not the king! He’s gonna take over France!

 

 **Pesto:** (Dismissively) Ahh, whadda we care? We’re pigeons! We just want da money!

 

 **Fifi** _growls and bares her teeth at_ **Hamton’s** _captor. As_ **Bobby** _and_ **Pesto** _prepare to pick her up as well, she suddenly lifts up her tail, turns her back to them and bends over, stamping her feet._ **Hamton** _and the three pigeons watch with a mixture of anxiousness and confusion._

**Squit:** (To the camera) Ohhh, this can’t be good.

 

 _Abruptly, the camera cuts to a view of Paris from the rooftops. Suddenly, a mushroom-cloud of green gas appears in the distance, not making a sound at all. The camera cuts back to the alleyway, which is now enshrouded in a green fog._ **Bobby** _,_ **Squit** _and_ **Pesto** _have gone limp and look nauseated with the stink._ **Hamton** _, on the other hand has an extremely blissful look on his face as he smells the musk as if it’s a perfume._ **Fifi** _just looks up at the three pigeons, a satisfied smirk on her face._

**Pesto:** (Groggily) Geez Louise… (Chokes) Dat ain’t natural…

 

_He passes out in mid-air, releasing_ **Hamton** _from his talons in the process._

 

 _As the pig plummets to the ground, we enter his subconscious once more as the green fumes morph into hands which catch him, gently cushioning his fall. The song_ **The Look of Love** _by_ **Dusty Springfield** _begins to play as_ **Hamton** _is carried by the musk hands through a psychedelic landscape with love hearts floating through the air._ **Hamton** _takes a deep breath and sighs contentedly. He looks offscreen and his eyes turn into love hearts as he sees that the misty hand is taking him to_ **Fifi** _. The skunkette blows a kiss to him and stretches out her fluffy tail. It wraps around_ **Hamton** _like a blanket and carries him gently towards her. He reaches her and she wraps her tail around herself, bringing herself extremely close to_ **Hamton** _._

**Fifi:** (Softly whispering) Hamtone…. Hamtone…. Hamtone….

 

 _The fantasy suddenly begins to blur as it is coming to an end. We get a view of the sky from the ground._ **Fifi** _is dominating the camera, looking down at something we cannot see._

**Fifi:** (Urgently) Hamtone? Hamtone!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _, who is lying on_ **Fifi’s** _tail and his head is cradled in her hands. Slowly he begins to wake up. The green mist is still there._

 

 **Hamton:** (Moans happily, to **Fifi** ) Do that again.

 

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Do vat again?

 

 **Hamton:** (Drunkenly) Spray me with your scent of love!

 

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) ‘E likes ma musk? Zat eez interesting… (To **Hamton** ) Ah have good news, Hamtone. Ah ‘ave made un, how-you-say, smokescreen avec ma musk!

 

 **Hamton:** (Intoxicated) A smokescreen?

 

_To_ **Fifi’s** _surprise, he jumps to his feet._

 

 **Hamton:** (Joyously) Wonderful! Nobody shall find us now!

 

 **Fifi:** (Hushes sternly) Zey vill eef tu do not keep your voice down!

 

_She takes his hand._

 

 **Fifi:** Come along. Ve ‘ave to get to zat fence!

 

 **Hamton:** Fence? What fence?

 

_The camera pans upwards, through the green fog. It gives us a bird’s-eye view of the city, before panning back down to another street._

**Scene 17**

_On this particular street, we see_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _crouched behind a corner as some mace-wielding peasants search for them in the distance._

**Shirley:** (Whispering, to **Plucky** ) Like, we can’t hide like this forever! We hafta get outta Paris. How’re we gonna get past those guys?

 

 **Plucky:** (Whispering, to **Shirley** ) Okay, listen. I got a plan. It’s gonna be really risky, because ya don’t have much acting skills as I do, but we’re gonna search for ourselves!

 

 **Shirley:** (Confused) Say what?

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Concorde Condor** _, who is also searching for the fugitives as the other peasants leave. In the background, we can see_ **Plucky’s** _clothes flying out from behind the street corner._

**Concorde:** Duuuuh, still no sign of them, nope, nope.

 

_He throws his mace offscreen. We hear a clank and a cry of pain._

 

 **Concorde:** Oh, well, we tried.

_Suddenly, two figures appear from around the corner. They are_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. They both have moustaches and wear rather colourful attires with pumpkin pants and tiny fezzes with feathers in them._ **Concorde** _and the other peasants look at them with bemusement._

**Plucky:** (Dramatically) What-ho, peasants!

 

 **Concorde:** (Confused) Duuuuh, who are you?

 

 **Plucky:** (Points to himself, dramatically) I am Not-Unfunny Jester!

 

_He points at_ **Shirley** _._

 

 **Plucky:** (Flatly) And this is Not-Witch.

 

 **Concorde:** Ohhhh… (To **Plucky** ) Uh, why does Not-Witch have a moustache?

 

 **Shirley** _looks desperately at_ **Plucky** _for an answer._ **Plucky** _ponders for a beat._

**Plucky:** Not-Witch used ta be a guy!

 

**Shirley** _stares at him with a mixture of shock and outrage._

 

 **Plucky:** Buuut… For reasons that cannot be elaborated on in a PG-rated movie, she decided ta be a woman, but some…male…parts…remained?

 

 _He and_ **Shirley** _grin nervously. We can see sweat trickling down their foreheads._ **Concorde** _stares intently at them, stroking his beak while he does this._

**Concorde:** Seems legit ta me, yup, yup.

 

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _breathe a sigh of relief._ **Concorde** _takes out a Wanted poster and shows it to them._

**Concorde:** Say, uh, have you seen these guys? The king wants ‘em dead or alive… (To the camera) Preferably alive because there’d be no story.

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Concorde** ) Like, are you talkin’ about Sebastian?

 

**Concorde** _nods._

 

 **Shirley:** He’s mondo bad news. He an’ the Royal Council are gonna take over all of France. I saw it in my cry-

 

_She immediately stops herself as_ **Concorde** _looks at her suspiciously._

 

 **Shirley:** I, uh, I mean that I…just…know.

 

 **Concorde** _looks at the two disguised waterfowl, then at the Wanted poster._

**Concorde:** (To **Plucky** ) Duh, the poster says that one of the fugitives is an unfunny jester…an’ yer name is Not-Unfunny jester.

 

 **Plucky:** (Nervously defensive) Yeah. What’s it to ya?

 

 **Concorde:** (To **Plucky** ) It’s jus’ that since yer name is Not-Unfunny jester, that means yer a funny jester.

 

 **Shirley:** (Snarky) Like, no he isn’t.

 

_She covers her mouth as_ **Plucky** _glares at her._

**Concorde:** So…he’s, uh, an unfunny jester?

 

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) NO! I’m Not-Unfunny jester!

 

 **Concorde:** So you’re Not-Unfunny jester…but according to Not-Witch, you’re not funny, which, uh, means that your name implies that you’re funny, but yer not. So there’s a binary opposition in yer name because your name says yer funny, but in reality, yer not, so there’s a different interpretation for what yer called…

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I thought this guy was dumb. Now, I’m not Saussure.

 

_We hear a rim shot._

**Concorde:** …So with that logic in mind, (To **Shirley** ) yer name is Not-Witch, but in reality, yer a witch!

 

_Suddenly he freezes. After a beat, a penny falls down from offscreen and lands on his head._

 

 **Concorde:** (Excitedly, pointing at **Plucky** and **Shirley** ) Duuuuh, hey, I found ‘em! I FOUND-OOF!

 

_He has been kicked away by_ **Plucky** _. The two fowl begin to run for their lives._

**Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Shirley** as they run) The idea was not ta blow our cover!

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, I’m sorry, okay!

 

 **Plucky:** I suppose the only consolation if WE get caught is that all this bad stuff won’t happen ta me anymore!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, no. (Beat) We’ll both be executed!!

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Oh, yeah… (Screams) RUN FASTER!!

 

_They race past the alleyway with the green musk cloud emanating from it and offscreen. We hear the sounds of tires squealing, before they walk backwards into the shot, the beeping sound of a truck reversing is heard._

**Plucky:** (Sniffs the air and then retches) What the heck is that smell?!

 

 **Shirley:** (Turning green) Ohhh… Like, that is dis-gusting!

 

_She looks at the green musk cloud._

 

 **Shirley:** (Sickly) Like, hey! (Chokes) I can’t see through it! We can totally hide in it!

 

 **Plucky:** (Horrified) WHAT?! We’ll die in there!!

 

 **Shirley:** (Grimly) Well, like, it’s better than dyin’ out here!

 

 _She grabs the duck and drags him into the depths of the musk. Immediately, their eyes begin to water._ _The camera pans ahead to_ **Fifi** _, who hears retching and groaning and turns in horror to hear the source of the noise._ **Hamton** _, on the other hand, does not look like he cares at all what happens to him. He is staring at the skunkette in front of him, an unsubtly blissful look on his face._

**Fifi:** (Gasps) Someone eez coming! (To **Hamton** ) Hurry! Ve must get to ze fence!

 

_She takes the pig’s hand._ **Hamton** _shivers with pleasure in reaction to this._

**Hamton:** (Dreamily) Your hand is so soft…and warm…

 

 **Fifi:** Merci, mais zere eez no time! (To the camera) Le sigh. When ah am willing to receive some love, ‘e eez too shy. When ‘e eez feeling amorous, ve are running pour our lives.

 

 _She leads_ **Hamton** _through the alley, constantly looking back as she hears the clattering of barrels behind them. The camera pans ahead of them. Through the smelly green fog, we can see the fence a few yards away. There is a hole big enough for them to fit through._ **Fifi** _runs and leaps through the hole with no problems. However, she is suddenly yanked back on the other side. The camera zooms out to reveal that_ **Hamton** _is stuck halfway through the hole._

**Fifi:** Mais non! (To the camera) Ah am sure something like zis ‘as ‘appened before.

 

_Frantically, she takes_ **Hamton** _by the hands and begins to try to pull him out. The pig shows no sign of helping: he gazes lovingly at her._

**Hamton:** (Giggles) I prefer honey on my bread rather than condensed milk.

 

 _On the other side of the fence, we see_ **Hamton’s** _behind blocking the hole._ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _stagger through the mist, choking and retching as they go._ **Plucky** _suddenly bumps into the pig’s derriere._

**Shirley:** (Holding her beak) Like, what’s that?

 

 **Plucky:** (Coughs) I dunno. Feels weird…

 

 _He reaches offscreen. T_ _he camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _trying to pull_ **Hamton** _out of the hole in the fence. We suddenly hear a squeak._ **Hamton’s** _blissful expression abruptly goes from shocked, to fury. We hear a crunching noise offscreen. To_ **Fifi’s** _surprise,_ **Hamton** _pulls himself out of the hole and they look through it._

**Hamton:** (Livid) NEVER touch THAT area!

 

 _The camera shows us a view through the hole._ **Shirley** _stands there looking shocked._ **Plucky** _, on the other hand, sits on the ground, stars circling his head._

 

 **Plucky:** (Babyish voice) C’mon, George, tell us more about the rabbits!

 

_H_ _e faints._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** , happily) Hamtone, tu are back to normal!

 

 **Hamton:** (Surprised, to **Fifi** ) Normal? Aren’t I usually?

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Well, tu were… (Beat) Ah shall tell tu later.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, Fifi, Fleche De Lard! Yer both okay!

 

_She climbs through the hole in the fence to join them._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) Only just. Some of ze people tried to catch us. Ah had to use ma musk. (Under her breath) Eet ‘ad un interesting effect on Hamtone, though.

 

 **Hamton:** The people want that reward money real bad. I don’t think Sebastian’ll even give them anything if we get caught.

 

 **Fifi:** Ah do not want to find out, either. (Ponders) We cannot keep hiding like zis. We will never reach England if zis keeps up.

 

 **Shirley:** (Nauseous) Like, can we continue this discussion somewhere that totally doesn’t stink ta high heaven?

 

 _Before_ **Fifi** _can reply, we see a manhole cover lift up._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _turn to look at it nervously. We hear meowing, and see the subtitled translation at the bottom of the screen. The skunkette, pig and loon read the subtitles. For the benefit of the readers, the translations shall be shown in brackets._

**???:** (Quickly, down here!)

 

 **Hamton:** (To **???** ) With all due respect, how d’we know this isn’t a trap?

 

 **???:** (Trust me! It’s much better than bein’ up here!)

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** and **Shirley** ) We shall ‘ave to trust ‘im. ‘E eez right. We ‘ave less of un chance being caught…down zere than up ‘ere.

 

 _With that, the manhole’s cover opens completely as_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Hamton** _run up to it and climb down. The cover closes once more. There is a beat before the cover opens up again._ **Hamton** _climbs out and runs towards the fence. He reaches through the hole, picks up_ **Plucky’s** _prone form, runs back to the manhole and throws the duck down it. Then, the manhole cover closes, just as the musk cloud begins to fade away._

_We see nothing but darkness. However, we can hear water dripping in the distance._

**Shirley:** Well, like, nobody’ll find us down here. Including us!

 

 **???:** (Hold on, I’ll get the light.)

 

 _A lantern is lit. We can see that_ **Furball the Cat** _is holding it._

 

 **Furball:** (You do know that the whole of Paris is after you, don’t ya?)

 

 **Fifi:** (Forcibly polite) Oui, we do.

 

 **Furball:** (Well, I should be too, but…I don’t care for the money.)

 

 **Hamton:** Good. Ya wouldn’t get anything anyway.

 

_He looks around the dimly lit area._

 

 **Hamton:** Where are we, anyway?

 

 **Furball:** (Cheerily) (Oh, just the catacombs!)

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _stands up and stares at the blue cat, his eyes popping in horror._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) THE CATACOMBS?! Ya mean we’re surrounded by dead people?!

 

 **Furball:** (Oh, don’t worry. They won’t bother ya.)

 

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Oh, that’s reassuring. I wonder why they don’t bother ya. Oh, yeah. On account of the fact THEY’RE DEAD!!

 

 **Furball:** (It’s quite a cosy place once ya get accustomed to it. It is my home, after all.)

 

_The quartet stares at him in disbelief for a beat._

**Shirley:** (To **Furball** ) Like, I’d REALLY consider moving if I were you.

 

 **Furball:** (Oh, I couldn’t do that. It’s such a big home, so I get lotsa exercise. The catacombs are underneath the whole of Paris!)

 

 **Fifi:** (Excited, to **Furball** ) Wait! Ze ‘ole of Paris?

 

 **Plucky:** It says so in the subtitles, doesn’t it?

 

 **Hamton:** (Excited) Does it reach the outskirts, too?

 

 **Furball:** (I’m not sure about that. There are several secret entrances to it via manholes, so that means that they’re kinda part of the sewers as well.)

 

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Oh, great. We’re surrounded by dead people AND gross-out humour.

 

 **Furball:** (I’ll take ya ta the secret entrance that’s as far from the city as possible. C’mon!)

 

 _He walks offscreen, the light from his lantern fading as he does so._ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _follow him in order to keep themselves from being left behind in the dark._

  **Scene 18**

_The camera cuts to the throne room back at the palace._ **Sebastian** _sits on the recently (and poorly) repaired throne. He is wearing a flowing purple robe in place of his red clothing. On his head is a beautiful golden crown which contrasts strongly with his ugly mug._ **Tad** _stands next to the throne, carrying his top hat as if he’s a Broadway singer._

**Tad:** (Singing) Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl…

 

 **Sebastian:** (Flatly, to **Tad** ) Shut up.

 

 **Tad:** Sorry, boss, uh…your majesty!

 

 **Sebastian:** I wonder if those peasants have captured our little runaways yet.

 

 _Suddenly, the huge doors open and_ **C. Pew** _enters the room with_ **Max** _._

**C. Pew:** Your highness… (To the camera) Who technically can’t be the king because I haven’t crowned him yet… (To **Sebastian** ) This peasant claims that he has detained all four of the escapees. He has come to claim his reward.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Pleased) Excellent! Come forward, peasant!

 

 **Max** _strides_ _up to the throne and stands before it._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Looking around, suspicious) Where are they?

 

 **Max’s** _grin fades into nervousness._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Suspicious) You do have them…don’t you?

 

 **Max:** (Gulps) Okay, here’s what happened…I cornered them and told ‘em I was gonna turn ‘em in so I could get the reward.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) And…?

 

 **Max:** I…I let my guard down for one second… ONE second! Then, I got hit on the head with a barrel an’ got knocked out.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) They absconded, didn’t they?

 

 **Max:** Y-Yeah! Whatever that means. B-But because I was SO close ta getting them, I thought I’d claim the reward anyway because…at least I tried?

 

 _Instead of answering,_ **Sebastian** _snaps his fingers. Two guards appear out of nowhere and take_ **Max** _by each arm._

**Sebastian:** (Lazily) Take him to the Execution cell.

 

 **Guard:** Your majesty, the Execution cell is full.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Yells) THEN BUILD ANOTHER ONE!!

 

 **Guard:** (Terrified) Yessir. Anything you say.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Max** ) If there’s any consolation regarding your impending death…there was no reward money, anyway.

 

 **Max:** (To the camera) Damn it, they were right!

 

_The guards take him away and the doors slam behind them._ **C. Pew** _crosses to the throne._

**Sebastian:** (To **Tad** and **C. Pew** ) That’s the 88th peasant who’s told me that. (Bitterly) I reckon that our band of rebels will outta Paris by now.

 

 **C. Pew:** Yes, I suppose they are…

 

_His expression darkens with an evil smile._

 

 **C. Pew:** But, they’re not out of the woods, yet.

 

 **Tad:** (Confused) There are trees in Paris?

 

 **Sebastian** _and_ **C. Pew** _look at him with a mixture of annoyance and confusion for a beat._

**C. Pew:** (To **Sebastian** ) We’ve hired our assassin. He’ll be waiting for them near the border.

 

 **Sebastian:** Tremendous! (Confused) Why are you stationing him so close to England?

 

 **C. Pew:** Well, I thought that it would be cool if we had a scenario where they think the worst is over and then, BAM! Big scary dude who tries ta kill them. It works all the time in the horror movies.

 

 **Sebastian:** I see… What’s the name of the fella who’s gonna do the job?

 

 **C. Pew:** Well, I’d tell ya buuut… (To the camera) I don’t want ta spoil the surprise for any of the folks watching.

 

 **Tad** _appears behind the skunk, also looking at the camera._

**Tad:** (Pointing) What about that guy goin’ to the bathroom?

 

 **C. Pew:** (To **Tad** ) There’re more people than just HIM… (Worried) I hope.

 

 **Sebastian:** Oh, very well. (Musing) Now then, what else should I do ta oppress my subjects? (Beat) I know! I’ll get rid of all the free school milk! (To **Tad** and **C. Pew** ) I was inspired by someone called Maggie Thatchroof for that one.

 

 **Tad:** Uhhh, there aren’t any schools in France.

 

 **Sebastian:** Then we’ll build schools, distribute free school milk and THEN get rid of it!

 

 **Tad:** Awesome!

 

 **Sebastian:** (To the camera) I like bein’ the king…and it’s gonna stay that way forever! How are four teenagers gonna stop me an’ bring my reign to an end, tell me that! They aren’t. The king WILL die, and they’ll die with him. Then, France will be mine, y’hear?! ALL MINE!!

 

_He grins balefully at the camera, showing his yellow teeth._

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (for the umpteenth time), let’s all go to the lobby (for the umpteenth time)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 6.

 


	6. The Journey Commences

Welcome back to Part 6 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

 

**Scene 19**

_The camera roves through the depths of the catacombs. We can see long-abandoned spider’s webs in both the foreground and the background. Gradually, the light of_ **Furball’s** _lantern comes into focus and the shadows of the five toons stretch on the floor as we hear their footsteps echo in the cavernous space._

**Furball:** (Nice place, isn’t it?)

 

 **Plucky:** Yeah…if ya like walk-through crypts.

 

_He looks down and recoils at what looks like a pool of blood on the floor._ **Furball** _notices his terror._

**Furball:** (Oh, that’s just some tomato sauce that I spilt on the floor from lunch break)

 

 **Plucky** _mops his brow and steps over the puddle. He walks alongside_ **Shirley**.

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) There seems ta be a lotta dead people in this movie.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, what d’ya expect? The writer’s British. They have a really morbid sense of humour.

 

 **Plucky:** Oh, yeah.

 

_He notices a skeleton lying on the ground near them. He stops and grins at the camera, before turning to it._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Skeleton** ) What d’ya think of it so far?

 

 **Skeleton:** RUBBISH!

 

 **Plucky:** (In horror) AGH!

 

_He runs away from the skeleton to keep up with the others._

 

 **Furball:** (Okay, guys. This part of the catacombs has stuff that nobody wanted, so they dumped it there…as disrespectful as that is. With that said, ya may find it disturbing.)

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Furball** ) I don’t think it’ll be as disturbing as Cardinal Pew, but thanks for warnin’ us.

 

 **Fifi:** Et ah do not think zat eet will be as disturbing as Paris under ze command of zat Sebastian.

 

 **Plucky:** (Condescendingly) Yeah, and since yer “home” is packed to the rafters with corpses, how bad can this part of the mausoleum be?

 

 **Furball:** (To the camera) (Don’t say I didn’t warn ‘em)

 

 _The camera cuts to another part of the labyrinth. It is in complete darkness until we see the light of the lantern rounding the corner. We can see_ **Furball’s** _growing fear and reluctance to proceed. This contrasts starkly with the emotions of the quartet, who are adamant in traversing this subterranean maze in order to reach the outskirts. The blue cat gulps, and holds up his lantern._ **Fifi** _abruptly shrieks in terror and clutches_ **Hamton** _, who looks equally horrified._

_The camera immediately cuts to a torn up_ **Loonatics Unleashed** _poster, accompanied by a scare chord. Furball and the gang rushes past it, averting their gaze. Abruptly,_ **Shirley** _screams and clutches at_ **Plucky** _. The camera cuts to a picture of_ **Buddy** _and_ **Cookie** _, accompanied by another scare chord._

_Then,_ **Hamton** _screams like a girl and clutches_ **Fifi** _. The camera cuts to a_ **Baby Looney Tunes** _videotape with a shrieking scare chord._ **Plucky** _screams like a girl and clutches_ **Shirley** _, pointing at a statue of_ **Scrappy Doo** _._

_At this, the five toons run for their lives in blind panic. This time, everybody screams in pure undiluted horror at something offscreen. The camera cuts to a statue of_ **Flim-Flam** _._

_They flee from the statue and all the other god-awful things that Warner Bros and Hanna Barbera have done, rounding the corner. The colour has drained from their bodies, making them look like ghosts._

**Plucky:** (Panting, clutching his heart, to **Furball** ) Y’know, the sight of dead people and the smell of rotting flesh is surprisingly quite inviting, right now!!

 

 **Furball:** (I’m thinking of having that area removed…if I had the rights ta do so.)

 

_We fade to another part of the catacombs that the group is walking through._

**Hamton:** Uh, how much farther are we to the outskirts, Mr Cat?

 

 **Furball:** (I’m not sure. I think we might’ve passed under at least one of the streets…)

 

 **Shirley:** Like, which one?

 

 **Furball:** (I dunno. I’ve never been up top.)

 

 **Plucky** _sniffs the air and_ _retches suddenly._

**Plucky:** (To **Fifi** ) Look, princess, I know yer probably still mad about my little joke in Part 1, but is doing that REALLY necessary?

 

 **Fifi:** (Indignant) Vat are vous talking about, duck?

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Fifi** ) Aw, stop bein’ in denial and’ face it: YOU STINK!

 

_At this point, their voices begin to echo in the narrow passage._

 

 **Hamton:** (Defensively, to **Plucky** ) Hey, back off! She hasn’t done anything!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** , snidely) Awww, the hero’s defending the princess. Why don’t ya just admit that yer only bein’ nice ta her so that ya can get into her-

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , furious) Like, SHADDAP!! (Calm) What the heck’s the matter with you, Plucky? What’s with this mondo sudden urge to incite conflict?

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Can’t ya smell it?! (Pointing at **Fifi** ) Her royal highness has ta show everybody she’s a skunk!

 

 **Furball:** (Oh, that’s just the smell of the sewers. We must be getting close!)

 

 _There is a beat as_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _all turn to glare at_ **Plucky** _, who grins sheepishly in a futile effort to save face._

**Plucky:** (Nervous laugh) I’m just gonna walk behind an’ stop talking.

 

_They continue walking._

**Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) Zat could not ‘ave been moi anyway. Eef eet ‘ad been moi… _She gestures to_ **Hamton** _._ Hamtone would ‘ave been acting rather amorously.

 

 **Hamton’s** _ears prick up upon hearing his name being mentioned. He turns to look at_ **Fifi** _, who smiles demurely and waves at him. He looks at the camera with a rather confused look._

 

 _The gang passes a rusty sign on the wall which says:_ **Vous quittez maintenant les catacombes. La prochaine destination dans le passage souterrain est les égouts.**

 

 **Furball:** (I’ve never understood what that sign said…) 

 

 **Hamton:** I believe it says: “You are now leaving the catacombs. The next destination in the subterranean passage is the sewers.” (To the camera) Yes, I understand French. Ya have to when ya live there.  

 

 **Furball:** (Ohhh… That’s probably why I end up at the sewers every time I pass it!)  

 

 _The toons are suddenly assaulted by a wave of green stink waves that knocks even_ **Fifi** _for six. They look down to see a murky river flowing through a cylindrical man-made cave. There are two ledges on either side of the river that can be accessed by climbing down some ladders. As they hold their noses and turn green,_ **Plucky** _marches purposefully past them, walks straight off the ledge and falls offscreen. There is a beat before we hear a_ **SPLAT! Furball** , **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _cringe upon seeing this._

 

 **HF &S: **(In revulsion) Eeewwww…  

 

 _The camera cuts to a clean, but incredibly shaken_ **Plucky** _plodding along the walkway near the canal._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, I know what happened was mondo gross, but at least Fleche De Lard cleaned you up!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Monotonous) Yes…but he cannot clean my mind.  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Furball** ) Are ve any closer, Monsieur Chat?  

 

 **Furball:** (I think we are. These sewers can branch out all over Paris! In fact, it’s where Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel gets its food from!) 

 

 _The quartet does a double take upon hearing this. To_ **Furball’s** _confusion, they begin to rub their tongues in horror for ten seconds. The blue cat turns and the camera pans over to a ladder which goes up to a manhole blocked by a cover._  

 

 **Furball:** (Okay, guys, this is the closest to the outskirts I can take ya! You’re on your own from here on!)  

 

 **Plucky** _suddenly snaps out of his trauma and barrels towards the ladder, scrambling up it._

 

 **Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Finally! I can get outta this strangely spacious sewer! _He hits his head on the cover with a_ **CLANG!** _He plummets and hits the ground, stars circling his head._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Furball** ) Thanks for all your help, Mr Cat. Why don’t ya come with us?  

 

 **Furball:** (Nah. I like it down here. You folks head on back up top. Good luck with your mission!)  

 

 **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _climb the ladder with_ **Plucky** _draped over_ **Hamton’s** _shoulder, looking down at the waving cat._

**Fifi:** Au revoir!  

 

 **Shirley:** (Sympathetically) Like, poor guy. He’s gone crazy with unbearable loneliness.  

 

 _Once they are out of earshot,_ **Furball** _turns to look at the camera._

 

 **Furball:** (Did ya hear them? Crazy with unbearable loneliness? What a joke. Isn’t that right, Tweety?) 

 

_He coughs up what looks like the skeleton of_ **Tweety** _and puts his finger in the bird’s skull as if it was a puppet._

**Tweety:** Absowutewy!                 

 

 **Scene 20**

 

 _The camera cuts to a rolling countryside with a dirt road running through it. We can hear birdsong and the breeze blowing gently through the grass. In the distance, we can see the city of Paris. The manhole cover is lifted up and_ **Shirley** _climbs out of it. She takes in deep breaths as the others climb out of the manhole._ **Hamton** _lays the stirring_ **Plucky** _down and helps_ **Fifi** _up._

 

 **Shirley:** (Sighs happily) Like, fresh clean air at last! (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) We’ve done it! We’re finally outta Paris!  

 

 **Hamton:** Not quite…Look!

 

_He points at something offscreen. The camera pans round to show us a sign which says_ **Vous êtes maintenant quitter Paris** _._

 

 **Shirley:** Okay…once we pass that sign, we’re finally outta Paris! (To the camera) And it only took us six parts.  

 

 **Plucky** _picks himself up and zips over to_ **Shirley** _._

 

 **Plucky:** (Extravagantly) AH! The open road! The dusty highway! Some other third thing! As an actor who has travelled the world, this has been a common sight for me!  

 

 **Shirley** _shakes her head while silently giggling._

 

 **Plucky:** We are about to cross the threshold. We will no longer be on Parisian soil an’ our adventure shall really begin! Look out, England, here we come!

 

_He marches stupidly past the sign._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I hope you people are takin’ notes on my performance. I oughta win an Oscar! Or a UKE Award, take yer pick.  

 

 **Shirley** _follows him past the sign._ **Hamton** _laughs and is about to follow when he turns to see that_ **Fifi** _has not moved. He crosses to her._

 

 **Hamton:** (Genuinely concerned, to **Fifi** ) Wh-what’s wrong, pri- Fifi?  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Nothing, mon cher. Nothing eez wrong!

 

**Hamton** _raises a sceptical eyebrow and she sighs deeply._

 

 **Fifi:** Oh, alright. Something eez wrong.  

 

 **Hamton:** (Taking her hands) What is it, Fifi? You can tell me. Ya said so yourself: ya don’t feel uncomfortable around me. You helped me, and I’m gonna return the favour!  

 

 **Fifi** _is genuinely touched by the pig’s sweetness. She takes a deep breath and reluctantly begins._  

 

 **Fifi:** Vell, ah ‘ave never been out of ze palace before, et zat eez one thing. Ah ‘ave never been out of Paris before either!  

 

 **Hamton:** B-But, Fifi. It was your idea ta go to England to warn your dad about Sebastian. I’m just your escort. I’m only here ta make sure nobody kills ya on the way! (To the camera) And I hope that that never happens…I don’t know if I am this great hero. 

 

 **Fifi:** Non, Hamtone. Tu are more zan just mon escort. (Giggles slightly) Ve are going to ‘ave zat duet, remember?  

 

 **Hamton:** (Blushes) Oh, yeah. (Serious) My point is, you’ve gone against several royal traditions, but you’re doing it for a good cause. We’ve shield-surfed through the palace, destroying the place in the process and been on the run, and you’re afraid of passing that sign? I’ve never been out of Paris before, either. I dunno what we’re gonna face out there. But we’re gonna face it together. It may seem impossible- 

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Jacquimo the Swallow** _appears in front of_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _and dominates the camera._

 

 **Jacquimo:** Impossible? Nothing eez impossible!  

 

 _He begins to fly over the heads of the pig and skunkette. They look visibly annoyed by this._

 

 **Jacquimo:** (Sings) You’re sure to do im-possi-ble things **,** if you follow your heart, ha-ha! Your dreams will fly on ma-gi-cal wings, when you follow your hear-

 

 _He is abruptly sucked into an Acme Dustbuster which_ **Hamton** _has taken out. The pig throws it offscreen._  

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) As I was saying, it may seem impossible, but y’know, when I’m with you…it doesn’t feel that way. We’re gonna find your dad, and when we do, everything will be alright again. Trust me.  

 

 **Fifi** _doesn’t answer. Instead, she embraces_ **Hamton** _, with happy tears rolling down her cheeks. The pig briefly reacts in the same way that he had done when she had previously hugged him. Then, he returns her cuddle, a single tear rolling down his cheek._ _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _, who are watching this scene from a distance._

 

 **Plucky:** (Folding his arms) Huh! What hammy acting. That was the lamest speech I ever heard! 

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, jealous much?  

 

 **Plucky:** (Sulkily) NO!  

 

 _The pig and skunkette finally release their embrace._

 

 **Hamton:** (Taking her hand) C’mon. Let’s go to England.  

 

 **Fifi:** Oui. Let us go et find mon pére!  

 

 _Hand-in-hand, they walk past the sign and join_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. The two waterfowl hold hands with them as well._

 

 **HFP &S: **(Singing) We’re off to see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!  

 

 _They stop singing and laugh together as they walk away._  

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Give us a break, we had ta make that reference, it was too good an opportunity! (To **Shirley** , **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Okay, fellas. Let’s start our journey…in a montage!  

 

 _The montage begins with_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** , **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _walking through Rural France. They pass an orchard, and_ **Plucky** _hops over the stile and sneaks into it to steal some apples. He takes four apples and is just about to leave when he turns. He does a double-take and runs for his life as_ **Marc Anthony** , _followed by_ **Pussyfoot** _, chases him. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _having his bare behind bandaged by_ **Hamton** _while he,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _eat their apples. The green duck glares at the camera as his companions try not to laugh._ _The group comes to a crossroad._ **Hamton** _stops_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _from proceeding. They look both ways._ **Plucky** _rolls his eyes and begins to cross the road. Abruptly, he is run down by the Tour De France._ _The camera cuts to the group passing a wheat field as the weather slowly begins to become overcast. The camera zooms in on_ **Hamton** _, as a raindrop suddenly falls on his snout. He takes_ **Fifi’s** _hand as they run for shelter, while_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _play in the rain. As the watch their friends from the shelter of a nearby tree,_ **Fifi** _yawns and snuggles closer to_ **Hamton** _, wrapping her tail around the both of them as she gradually goes to sleep._ **Hamton** _strokes her head for a bit, before eventually falling asleep as well._ _The group travel along a dirt road, which is a bit sodden and muddy due to the rain._ **Hamton** _notices a puddle in their path. He rushes ahead, pulls out a_ **CENSORED** _bar from offscreen and takes off his rags. He lays them on the puddle._ **Fifi** _blushes at this gesture, but_ **Plucky** _barges past her. The skunkette’s anger doesn’t last long, for as soon as the duck steps on the puddle, he plunges into it. It is surprisingly deep._ _It is now night time, and the group are camping in a field._ **Plucky** _is struggling to light a fire. He is rubbing two sticks together, but they snap in his hands._ **Shirley** _watches him, looking both bored and amused._ **Hamton** _arrives with a bag of marshmallows, and instantly lights a fire, much to the shock of_ **Plucky** _._ **Fifi** _appears to have trouble putting her marshmallow on the stick provided for her._ **Hamton** _shows her how to do it and she smiles demurely. He holds her arm, making sure that she doesn’t burn herself on the fire._ _The camera pans upwards into the night sky and it abruptly turns blue as the sun rises in it. We can hear birdsong in the air. The song ends and we cut to a close-up of_ **Plucky’s** _feet. They are red and sore from walking._

 

 **Plucky:** (Pants) Are we there yet?  

 

 _We are given a view of the group. It is obvious that the trek is taking its toll, as they all look exhausted from walking._

 

 **Hamton:** (Pants) Not…really…we…now have…281.2km to go! 

 

 **Shirley:** (Pants) Like…can’t we…just…have…another…montage?  

 

 **Fifi:** (Pants) Ah…wish…zat…ve could! 

 

 **Plucky** _abruptly falls down flat on his face._

 

 **Plucky:** (Muffled) THAT’S IT! No more walking!

 

_He lifts his head up._

 

 **Plucky:** There has ta be another way ta travel!  

 

 **Hamton:** But Plucky, this is the 17 th Century! We can’t just take a bus!  

 

 **Fifi:** Oui! Ve cannot stop now. Zere eez no telling vat zat Sebastian eez doing! 

 

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Well, he’s not wearing his feet out, is he? 

 

 **Shirley:** (Concerned) Like, ya don’t think we’re goin’ the wrong way, do ya? 

 

 **Plucky:** (Yells) Oh, DON’T SAY THAT!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) It’s a possibility. (To **Fifi** ) D’ya think we shoulda turned right at Versailles?  

 

 _Before_ **Fifi** _can reply, we hear the thudding of horse’s hooves. The quartet turns and abruptly dives into a nearby bush as a horse pulling a wagon full of hay plods past. They watch it meander slowly away through the leaves of the shrub._

 

 **Plucky:** (Pointing at the wagon) Bingo! The 17th Century answer to a taxi!

 

_He grabs_ **Shirley’s** _hand._

 

 **Plucky:** C’mon!  

 

 _He drags the loon out of the bush and after the wagon._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _share a look before leaping out of the bush and running after them._ **Plucky** _throws_ **Shirley** _onto the hay, and struggles to climb aboard himself._ **Fifi** _is helped aboard by_ **Hamton** _, who shoves the green duck onto the wagon before climbing aboard himself._

 

 **Plucky:** (Satisfied) Ahhhh! We’ll travel ta Britain in style!  

 

 **Shirley:** (Brushing hay off herself, sarcastic) Right. Style is totally putting it mildly. 

 

 **Plucky:** There’s no way my plan is gonna go…HAYWIRE!  

 

 _The other three roll their eyes as_ **Plucky** _guffaws loudly at his own wit. The horse continues to trot along the dirt road. The camera fades to mid-afternoon. The horse and wagon moves slowly past a sign which says_ **Bienvenue en Normandie!** _The camera cuts to the group._ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are asleep in the hay, but_ **Plucky** _is bashing two hollow coconuts together. Suddenly, they feel a jolt as the wagon stops._

 

 **Plucky:** Whoa! (To the other three) End of the line, guys!

 

_He nudges them._

 

 **Plucky:** C’mon, we gotta get outta here before- 

 

 _He is interrupted as he looks at something offscreen in horror. Slowly, the other three begin to stir._

 

 **Shirley:** (Yawns) Like, didja say something, Plu-

 

_As she looks in the same direction as the green duck, she reacts in horror as well._

 

 **Hamton:** We’re in Britain already-?

 

_He reacts in horror._

 

 **Fifi:** Why ‘ave ve stop-?

 

 _S_ _he reacts in horror._ _The camera cuts to what our heroes are staring at like deer in the headlights. A shadowy monstrous figure is stood behind the wagon looking at them balefully. He moves closer…and closer to reveal himself as…_ **Porky Pig**. _He’s wearing overalls and a straw hat._  

 

 **Porky:** (Good-naturedly) Well! It l-looks like I’ve been carrying sto-ste-ste-uh…sto-ste-uh…sto-ste-uh…hitchhikers!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) GASP! It’s a hillbilly! He’s gonna eat us! (To **Shirley** , **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Fear not! As an actor, I am able to adopt the dialect of this fella. I’ll get on his good side! (To **Porky** , exaggerated southern accent) Well, HOWDY THE-RE! How’s life bin a-treatin’ ya over in this side of France? Another gator ate the baby a-gain?  

 

 **Porky:** (Flatly) A-whe-uh-what?  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Porky** ) Bonjour, monsieur! Please excuse moi et mes amis!  

 

 **Porky:** Oh, it’s no pro-pre-uh, pro-pre-uh, pro-pre-uh…no big deal.  

 

 **Hamton:** Thank goodness! (To **Porky** ) Where are we, mister? 

 

 **Porky:** (Brightly) Oh, you’re in Nor-neh-uh, Nor-neh-uh, Nor-neh-uh…this side of France. 

 

 **Plucky:** THAT’s not helpful.  

 

 **Shirley:** Like, I think he’s tryin’ ta say Normandy!  

 

 **Fifi:** Normandy? (Gasps, happily) Ve are not zat far away! Zis eez perfect!  

 

 **Hamton:** Wow! Our journey’s nearly over! (To **Porky** ) Which part of Normandy are we in?  

 

 **Porky:** Y-You’re at m-my farm!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Musing) A farm run by a pig? (To the camera) Now what novel does that remind me of?  

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Petunia Pig** _walks up to the wagon._

 

 **Petunia:** That’s right! (Giggles) He’s the farmyard’s Mr Big! (To the group) And what do we have here?  

 

 **Hamton:** Uh, why, certainly, Mrs….er… 

 

 **Petunia:** (Giggles) Oh, it’s Miss Pig…

 

_She hugs_ **Porky** _and shows an engagement ring._

 

 **Petunia:** For now.

 

 **Porky** _blushes and grins stupidly._  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Petunia** ) So, your surname is Miss Pig, and I’m gonna assume that his surname is Pig, so…technically, doesn’t that count as ince-

 

 **Shirley** _abruptly stuffs hay into his mouth._  

 

 **Hamton:** ANYway, my name is Hamton, A.K.A Fleche De Lard.

 

_He gestures to_ **Fifi** _._

 

 **Hamton:** This is Princess Fifi… 

 

 **Porky:** (Astonished) P-P-Princess?!

 

 _He bows and_ **Petunia** _curtseys._

 

 **Petunia:** W-We’re honoured, your highness! 

 

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Oh, zere eez no need pour zat, monsieur et madame peeg. Ah do not consider myself to be better zan vous.  

 

 **Plucky:** (Under his breath) Well, ya should do.

 

 _He shuts up as_ **Shirley** _glares at him._  

 

 **Petunia:** (To **Plucky** and **Shirley** ) And who are you two?  

 

 **Shirley:** Like, I’m Shirley…

 

 _She gestures to_ **Plucky**.

 

 **Shirley:** An’ this is Plucky.  

 

 **Porky:** Well, welcome to our humble ab-abo-uh…ab-abo-uh…a-abo-uh…home.  

 

 **Hamton:** (Surveys the farm) Gosh, it sure is a nice place…not like my home back in Paris.  

 

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the ride here, now we gotta get goin’.  

 

 **Petunia:** Oh, you couldn’t just leave!  

 

 **Plucky:** (In shock) Oh, no. They’re gonna eat us!  

 

 **Porky:** Ya all seem to have come on such a long promen-uh, promen-uh, promen-uh, walk! You should all r-re-uh…rest!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Beat) Never mind.  

 

 **Petunia:** Porky’s right, kids. Why doncha stay for a bite to eat on L'obscurité ferme?  

 

 _The quartet shares a look for a beat before turning to_ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia**.  

 

 **HFP &S: **Uhhhh…Okay!          

 

 **Scene 21**

 

 _The Pigs lead the quartet across the farmyard. They pass_ **Gabby Goat** _, who is ploughing a field with his horns._

 

 **Gabby:** (Grumbling) How do ya like that? My first appearance in nearly 80 years an’ I get this cameo! It’s madness, I tell ya, it’s criminal! Is this any way ta treat one of the oldest Looney Tune stars?!

 

_The camera begins to pan away from him._

 

 **Gabby:** (Affronted) Hey! Come back here! I haven’t finished ranting! 

 

 **Porky:** (To the group) A le-le-uh, lot of my old aque-aquo-uh, aque-aquo-uh, aque-aquo-uh… friends live an’ work here!  

 

 **Petunia:** You could say it’s like a retirement home for them. Not a lot of people know them anymore. It’s a shame really.  

 

 **Beans the Cat** _walks past them carrying a rake._ **Hamton** , **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _stop and watch him pass._ **Plucky** _then stops him._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Beans** ) Don’t tell me! I know you!

 

**Beans** _looks hopeful._

 

 **Plucky:** You’re Sweetcorn! 

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** ) No, that’s not right, his name is Peas!  

 

 **Fifi:** Cauliflower?  

 

 **Shirley:** Like, Tomatoes?  

 

 **Beans** _looks bitterly at the camera. The group shrugs and walks away to join the Pigs. They finally reach the farm house. We can see_ **Ham and Ex** _running about in the background._

 

 **Fifi:** (Looking around) Zis certainly eez un trés bon home vous ‘ave!  

 

 **Petunia:** Why thank you, princess! We’re proud to keep it that way!  

 

 **Shirley:** It’s totally great ta see that not all of France has been corrupted yet!  

 

 **Porky:** (Shocked) Cor-uh, Cor-uh, taken over?! B-By whom?  

 

 **Hamton:** (Darkly) Lord Sebastian. We’ll explain everything. (To the camera) But ta save everybody the tedious experience of havin’ the prophecy retold, we’ll skip a few minutes.

 

 _The camera cuts to the farmhouse kitchen._ **Fifi** , **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _are sat at the table with cups of tea._ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia** _are sat there in shock at what they’d heard._ **Plucky** _, meanwhile, is searching the shelves, presumably for food._

 

 **Petunia:** So this Sebastian guy has taken over Paris already?! 

 

 **Fifi:** (Bitterly) Oui. Et if we do not stop ‘im, your home will be taken over, too.

 

_Her expression softens as she touches_ **Hamton’s** _hand. He blushes at this._

 

 **Fifi:** Ah am going to find mon pére et tell ‘im about Sebastian. Mais, ze pig who eez going to ‘elp moi stop Sebastian eez escorting moi! ‘E eez a great hero!  

 

 **Porky:** W-Well, that explains why yer so f-far away from the pu-pe-puh-palace.  

 

 **Petunia:** (Incredulous) So, the four of you have travelled from Paris just to find the king so you can save the country?!  

 

 **Plucky:** Yep! I’m used ta travelling. (Haughtily) I am an actor who is constantly on the road, y’know. 

 

 **Hamton:** (Whispers to **Fifi** ) Bein’ run over, that is.

 

 **Fifi** _giggles and hushes him._  

 

 **Porky:** W-Well, if you’re travellin’ to B-B-eh, B-B-eh, B-B-eh…the UK, ya still have a long way ta go!  

 

 **Plucky:** Yeah… (Ominously) And strangely, we haven’t run into any obstacles since we started our trip. If I know movie clichés, it’s gonna be like this ta make us assume that the worst is over, and then…BAM! We’re suddenly in grave danger!  

 

 _Everybody stares at him, and then they all look at the camera for a beat, contemplating what the duck had said._

 

 **Petunia:** You guys can’t possibly walk all the way to Britain! There’s an ocean before it! 

 

 **Shirley:** Like, we’ll have to. It’s the 17 th Century. That’s totally the only way we can get ta England.  

 

 **Porky:** M-Maybe we could provide you with transpor-peh-uh, transpor-peh-uh, transpor-peh-uh…a ride!  

 

 _The quartet looks at each other, and then at him with interest. The camera cuts to a barn._ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia** _walk up to the doors._  

 

 **Petunia:** Since you’re planning on saving all of France, it would be an honour for us to provide you with some transport to get to Britain faster.  

 

 **Porky** _turns and opens the barn doors. We see six familiar looking horses, and that familiar five note tune. The ponies grin at the camera…before_ **Plucky** _abruptly slams the doors shut, accompanied by a record scratching._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) No… Just no.  

 

 **Petunia:** Oops! (Giggles) Wrong barn.

 

 _She and_ **Porky** _walk away from the barn and the group follows them._ _The camera cuts to a stable._ **Porky** _opens the door to reveal three dashing horses with flowing manes…and a donkey._

 

 **Porky:** H-Here we are. Th-these sta-ste-uh, sta-ste-uh, sta-ste-uh…horses were given to us by a fox. Th-they’re quite g-good farm animals. They’ll be able ta get ya to England in no time!  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Porky** and **Petunia** ) Merci beaucoup, monsieur et madame peeg! Zey are beautiful!  

 

 **Hamton:** They sure are… (Thinking) Too bad I dunno how ta ride.  

 

 **Petunia:** Now, ya can’t just pick a horse. They hafta pick you.  

 

 **Plucky** _pushes his way to the stable entrance._  

 

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) The stallion’s mine!  

 

 _The camera cuts to a close-up on_ **Plucky** _. He looks rather chagrined. The camera zooms out to reveal that he is sat on the saddle of the donkey._

 

 **Plucky:** (Grumbling to the camera) Horses are a man’s best friend… PAH! Tell that to Christopher Reeve.  

 

 _The camera pans around to reveal_ **Shirley** _sat on the beige coloured horse,_ **Fifi** _on the grey horse and_ **Hamton** _on the black horse. The pig looks rather nervous as he sits on the saddle, holding the reins._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Tu look stunning on zat ‘orse, Hamtone! Trés heroic! 

 

 **Hamton** : (Blushing, to **Fifi** ) Th-Thanks, Pri- Fifi. Ya look pretty on your horse, too. (Thinking) I won’t look so heroic once we set off.  

 

 **Petunia:** (To the group) There you go! Those horses’ll get you to England much quicker than on foot. Good luck finding the king!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, thanks! Good luck with your engagement, too. We’ll be sure ta return for the wedding after the movie!  

 

 **Porky** _crosses to the gates._

 

 **Porky:** Th-Thank you very m-much! Now, off ya go! The high-er-high-high-er… road awaits!  

 

 **Fifi:** (To the group) Oui! Let us go!  

 

 _She flicks the reins of her horse and it begins t_ _o trot._ **Shirley** _gently kicks her horse’s sides and it moves._ **Hamton** _watches how they have put their horses in motion. He gulps and lightly kicks his horse’s sides. It doesn’t move. He flicks the reins. Still, it doesn’t move. He scratches his head._  

 

 **Hamton:** (Tentatively, to the horse) Uh… giddy up?

 

 _His horse suddenly breaks into a run._

 

 **Hamton:** (In shock) Ohhh!

 

_As his horse rushes past_ **Fifi** _, he frantically flicks the reins and it screeches to a halt._ **Fifi** _giggles. He blushes and chuckles nervously._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Un petit eager, are we not? _She winks._ Tu ‘ave un bon idea, Fleche De Lard. Ah think zat tu should ride alongside moi.  

 

 **Hamton** _grins embarrassedly and_ **Shirley** _raises an eyebrow whilst trying not to laugh. As_ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia** _wave goodbye, the horses trot out of the farm and onto the road._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are at the front. While_ **Fifi** _is calm upon her saddle,_ **Hamton** _is visibly nervous, constantly looking down at the ground and bouncing on his saddle. He sweats profusely._ **Fifi** _notices this and reaches out to take his hand._ **Hamton** _instantly stops sweating and looks into her eyes._

 

 **Fifi:** (Reassuring whisper) Do not worry, Cheri. (Whispers) Do tu want to race?  

 

 **# Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell**

 

 **Hamton’s** _fear appears to leak out of him and he becomes more confident._

 

 **Hamton:** Race? O-Okay, then!  

 

 _In unison, they flick their reins, making their respective horses begin to move faster._ **Hamton** _is temporarily nervous by the change in speed, but when he looks across at_ **Fifi’s** _playfully competitive smile, a look of good-natured rivalry twinkles in his eyes. They both begin to flick the reins repeatedly, until their horses are galloping, the hoof beats echoing across the countryside._ _They come to a bend in the road, but their horses thunder straight ahead._ **Hamton** _gasps and shuts his eyes, but_ **Fifi** _grins excitedly. In slow motion, their mounts leap over the wooden fence._ **Hamton** _clings onto the reins as he is lifted off his saddle. He looks over at_ **Fifi** _, who is doing the same thing. She turns to the pig alongside her and blows him a kiss._ **Hamton** _blushes and waves nervously back. The speed returns to normal as the horses land in the green meadow and continue to gallop neck and neck._

 

 **Shirley:** (In mock shock) Like, they’re goin’ off course! (To the camera) Meh. I’ll catch up.  

 

 _The pig and skunkette ride away across the pasture, whipping their horses and leaning gamely forward in their saddles. They look flirtatiously at each other as they overtake each other. The camera cuts to a sweeping view of the field. We can see the grey and black horses running across it in the afternoon sky._ _The camera abruptly cuts to the farm lane._ **Plucky** _glowers in frustration as his donkey sluggishly lumbers through the farm gate. He looks at the camera in frustration at being left behind._

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks), let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 7.   


	7. The Red-Cloaked Knight

Welcome back to Part 7 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

**Scene 22**

 

 _We get a view of some crows staring balefully at the camera from a dead tree with branches like talons. The wind has picked up, as leaves occasionally fly past the camera as a fog slowly begins to appear. The camera roves downward to a path that goes through a dark, foreboding forest. A nearby sign reads_ **“Effrayant sombre forêt”** _in red lettering. Another sign reads:_ **“Revenir! Revenir!”** _The sign behind it says:_ **“Très bien! Ne pas nous écouter, vous têtu mulets!”** _If you look really closely, you can see the_ **Slender Man** _in the background._

_Slowly,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _emerge from the fog riding their horses. They keep looking around tentatively as their mounts take them further through the eerie woodland. The horses occasionally whinny and shake their heads as they plod along. If you look really closely, you can see the_ **Slender Man** _in the background._

**Hamton:** (Gulps) Well, this is the biggest mood whiplash I’ve ever seen.

 

 **Shirley:** (Nervously) Like, I’m gettin’ a lotta negative vibes from this place.

 

 **Fifi:** (Apprehensively) Oui. Mais, we ‘ave to get to England. Et eet seems zat ze only way is through zis forest.

 

_The camera cuts to a view of the three travellers from what looks like the trees. The leaves rustle, and the trio jump in shock._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** and **Shirley** ) D-Do ya ever get the feeling you’re bein’ watched?

 

 **Fifi:** (Nervously) Non… Do not panic, Hamtone. Ze sooner we get through zis area, ze sooner we find mon pére.

 

_She abruptly shrieks as an owl flies towards them from a nearby tree branch and they all duck._

 

 **Shirley:** Like, n-no argument, there!

 

_They continue to ride on. The fog is growing thicker and it appears to be getting darker. We can hear the chattering teeth of the trio as they constantly look around. Suddenly, we can hear hoof beats coming from behind them._

**Shirley:** (Frightened) Like, what’s that?

 

 **Hamton:** (Terrified) N-Now, don’t worry, Fifi, Shirley. I-I’ll protect you….

 

_He looks back down the path towards the source of the sound. The fog is well and truly unfathomable. We see sweat rolling down his forehead. Nobody dares to breathe as the sound of hoof beats grows louder…until finally, a familiar voice calls out._

 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) That’s all very well, Flush der lids, but who’s gonna protect you?

 

 _The trio breathes a sigh of relief as the donkey scuttles out of the fog and alongside_ **Shirley’s** _horse._ **Plucky** _is riding it._

**Plucky:** (Angrily sarcastic) I’m glad ta see that the three of ya gave a dang about my whereabouts, only it’s kinda hard ta keep up when you’ve got Black Beauty’s cousins an’ I’ve got this thing.

 

 **Shirley:** (Relieved) Like, I never thought I’d say this in this movie, but I’m sure glad ta see ya, Pl-ucky.

 

 **Plucky:** (Softening) Thanks, Shirl. (To **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) What the heck happened ta Lovebird’s Meadow? How did we end up here?

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** ) I dunno. It sure gives me the creeps, though.

 

 **Fifi:** Oui, zat eet does. Mais, we must keep going!

 

 _Abruptly, their horses rear and whinny in fright._ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are knocked for six. They lose their balance and fall off their respective saddles. As they hit the ground, their horses gallop away into the fog, leaving them behind._ **Plucky** _is the only one who is stood up. His donkey is trudging slowly after the horses, its face just as frightened._

**Hamton:** (To **Shirley** and **Fifi** as he picks himself up) Are you alright?!

 

 **Fifi:** Oui, ah am okay.

 

**Hamton** _helps her and_ **Shirley** _up._

**Plucky:** (Musing) It appears that we hafta move on…without our appointed transportation.

 

 **Shirley:** (Dusting herself down) Like, what scared ‘em?

 

 **Plucky:** I was gonna make a reference to Macbeth an’ say that it was witches, but we have one in our midst.

 

_He backs down as_ **Shirley** _glares at him. The camera cuts to a frightened_ **Hamton** _, who is pointing at something offscreen._

 

 **Hamton:** (Terrified) I-I think THEY scared ‘em…

 

 **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _look in the direction of where the petrified pig is pointing. They react in horror. The camera cuts to_ **Elmyra Duff** _who is wearing a Robin Hood-esque outfit. Behind her are_ **Gossamer** _,_ **Dizzy Devil** _and the_ **Coyote Kid** _._

**Elmyra:** (Cooing) OooooOOooooooh! Lookit the cute little ducky-wuckies, the stinky kitty an’ the dirty ol’ piggy!

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Plucky? D’ya totally remember when ya said we hadn’t run into any obstacles during our journey?

 

 **Plucky:** (Curious) Yeah. Why?

 

 **Shirley:** (Screams furiously, at **Plucky** ) WHY DIDN’T YA KEEP YER MOUTH SHUT?!

**Coyote Kid:** (Licking his lips) MM-MM! Fresh meat!

 

 **Dizzy:** OOH! Dizzy get dibs on pig!

 

 **Hamton’s** _eyes widen. Suddenly,_ **Fifi** _stands in front of him protectively._

**Fifi:** (To **Elmyra** ) Vat eez zis? Ah order vous to let us pass!

 

 **Elmyra:** Wellll…

 

_Her face darkens._

 

 **Elmyra:** (Uncharacteristically evil) We’re gonna kidnap the four of ya, steal your gold an’ eat ya!

 

_She returns to normal and giggles._

**Hamton:** (To **Elmyra** ) But why?

 

 **Coyote Kid:** Who cares why? WE’RE VILLAINS!

 

 **Gossamer** _nods and growls, clenching his fists._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) At least tall, red an’ hairy is back ta normal.

 

 **Elmyra:** (Pondering) Actually, my cute little miniscule brainy-wainy has had another idea! Instead of eating you, we’re gonna kidnap you and keep you as my pets…FOREVER!!

 

_The quartet reacts to this idea with pure, undiluted horror._

**Shirley:** (To **Elmyra** ) Like, I hear waterfowl go very well with fries or some junk!

 

 **Elmyra:** Sorry, ducky-head. My mind is made up! (To **Coyote Kid** ) Fire at will.

 

 **Coyote Kid:** (Brandishes a bow and arrow) Gladly!

 

 _He aims at_ **Fifi** _…and fires! Just as the arrow is about to hit the terrified skunkette,_ **Hamton** _reaches out and grabs it! As_ **Elmyra** _and her posse react in shock,_ **Hamton** _takes out a cloth and begins to polish the arrow in fast motion._

**Hamton:** (To **Coyote Kid** as he cleans) Y’know. You should REALLY take care of your weapons. This arrow’s rusty! (Sternly) And don’t fire ‘em at people, ya could take someone’s eye out!

 

 _He throws the now sparkling arrow back at the highwaymen. It hits_ **Coyote Kid’s** _hat, knocking it off his head and pinning it to a nearby tree._ **Elmyra** _glares at the quartet._

**Elmyra:** Now, don’t play hard-to-get, cutie-wootie animal-heads! It’s mean! (To her minions) Get ‘em!

 

 **Coyote Kid** _,_ **Dizzy** _and_ **Gossamer** _charge towards the quartet, yelling angrily._ **Plucky** _screams, turns around and runs into a tree, knocking himself out._

_As the huge hairy monster stomps towards_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** , _the blonde loon points at him. Abruptly,_ **Gossamer** _is lifted off his feet by an unseen force._

**Shirley:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Like, head’s up, guys!

 

 _She flicks her finger to the right, and the pig and skunk duck as_ **Gossamer** _flies away from them, crashing into some nearby trees and knocking them down, pulling them out of the roots._ **Dizzy** _and_ **Coyote Kid** _react to_ **Shirley’s** _attack._

**Dizzy:** (In anger) Dizzy marked territory on that tree!

 

 _He charges towards_ **Fifi** _, baring his teeth. Instead of being scared,_ **Fifi** _does a roundhouse kick, knocking the Tasmanian devil’s teeth out. As he staggers about dizzily, she punches him in the gut._

**Dizzy:** (Wheezes in pain) Skunk get lucky shot.

 

 **Fifi:** Oh, did ah?

 

_She turns and fires green musk at the battered marsupial._ **Dizzy** _breathes it in and faints. The camera cuts to_ **Elmyra** _, who has witnessed two of her minions being defeated._

**Elmyra:** (To the camera) This is embarrassing!

 

_She brandishes a sword._

 

 **Elmyra:** I’ll fight the cute widdle animals myself!

 

 _As_ **Fifi** _looks down at the unconscious_ **Dizzy** _, she is unaware of_ **Coyote Kid** _advancing on her from behind carrying a sword._ **Hamton** _notices and reacts in horror._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) LOOK OUT!

 

 _He rushes forward._ **Fifi** _turns around and gasps as_ **Coyote Kid** _is about to stab her. Suddenly,_ **Hamton** _shoulder barges him, knocking him away from_ **Fifi** _. They are both knocked to the ground,_ **Hamton** _is on top of_ **Coyote Kid** _. He is shocked by what he has done._

**Hamton:** (To the camera) Wait a minute. What am I doing, I’ve never fought anyone before!

 

 **Coyote Kid:** (Snarling) No…but I have!

 

 _He grabs_ **Hamton** _by the throat and throws him to the ground. He immediately gets to his feet and pins the pig down, pointing his sword at his heart._

**Fifi:** (In horror) Non! Do not touch ‘im!

 

 _She is about to rush to_ **Hamton’s** _aid when she is stopped by a sword-wielding_ **Elmyra**.

 

 **Elmyra:** (Smugly to **Fifi** ) Don’t even try that stinky business, kitty. My widdle nose is blocked!

 

 **Fifi** _watches helplessly as_ **Coyote Kid** _slowly lowers his sword down on_ **Hamton’s** _heart._

**Coyote Kid:** (To **Hamton** ) Mm-mm! Gammon steak! (Furiously) This is for ruinin’ my hat!

 

 **Fifi** _suddenly has an idea. She turns to_ **Shirley** _._

**Fifi:** Shirley! Do something, quickly!

 

 **Shirley** _is using her powers to keep an infuriated_ **Gossamer** _at bay. The giant hairy monster flails his arms helplessly in mid-air, trying to grab her._

**Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, I REALLY wish I could help ya, but I gotta keep this dork from tearin’ our heads off!

 

 _Sweating,_ **Fifi** _looks back at_ **Hamton** _._ **Coyote Kid’s** _sword is still bearing down on him as he struggles in vain to free himself. She tries to get to him, but_ **Elmyra** _keeps blocking her path, slashing her sword._

**Coyote Kid:** (To the camera) You folks out there might be wonderin’ why it’s takin’ so long fer me ta run this piggy through. Well, it’s called DRAMATIC EFFECT.

 

 **Elmyra:** (Smugly, to **Fifi** ) Give up your widdle fighty-wighty an’ I’ll call him off! It isn’t so bad being my pets. I’ll hug ya an’ squeeze ya until ya can’t breathe!

 

 **Hamton:** (Wheezes, to **Fifi** ) Don’t listen to her, Fifi! You an’ Shirley take Plucky an’ get outta here!

 

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) Non! Ah am not leaving without tu! (To **Coyote Kid** ) If vous are going to kill ‘im…ah shall be next!

 

 **Shirley:** (In shock) Say what?!

 

_She involuntarily ceases her powers, and_ **Gossamer** _breaks free. Instantly, he grabs the loon and begins to squeeze her._

 

 **Coyote Kid:** (To the camera) Sheesh. What a load of drama queens. (To **Fifi** ) Fine! I’ll kill him an’ then you.

 

 **Elmyra:** (To **Coyote Kid** ) NO! We’re gonna keep ‘em as pets!

 

 **???:** (Offscreen, in a male British accent) Oi! None of that’ll be happening, duckie!

 

 _Everybody stops what they’re doing._ **Gossamer** _stops strangling_ **Shirley** _,_ **Elmyra** _stops threatening_ **Fifi** _and_ **Coyote Kid** _loosens his grip on_ **Hamton** _. Everybody (except_ **Plucky** _) looks around for the source of the voice._ _Suddenly the camera pans up to a figure standing on the highest branch of a tree. The figure is wearing a suit of silver armour with a long flowing red cape. It is blowing in the wind._

**Coyote Kid:** (In awe) Oh my god…IT’S BATMAN!!

 

 **???:** (Indignant) I’m not Batman, you plonker! (To the camera) I wish I was, though. (To **Elmyra** , **Coyote Kid** and **Gossamer** ) Right, you ‘orrible lot. It’s time for me to own you like what Tony Blair did to John Major in the 1997 election. (To the camera) Yes, I’m making British jokes to alienate the American audience.

 

_He leaps off the branch._

 

 **???:** Tally-ho!

 

 _He lands on_ **Gossamer’s** _head with a crunch. This causes the monster to loosen his grip on_ **Shirley** _so that she can free herself. He then slashes at_ **Gossamer** _, reducing the monster to nothing but a pile of hair and sneakers. Then, he kicks_ **Coyote Kid** _off of_ **Hamton**. _He grabs the coyote by the tail, swings him around and suddenly lets go, sending the outlaw flying far away into the sky. As_ **Elmyra** _watches this knight defeat her fellow hooligans,_ **Hamton** _rushes over and pulls_ **Fifi** _out of the way as the mysterious hero swings his sword. With an audible squelch,_ **Elmyra’s** _head flies clean off. It hits the ground. A pool of blood forms underneath it._

**Elmyra:** (Tearfully) No-BODY loves me!!

 

 **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are understandably stunned by their rescuer’s action._ **???** _turns to the camera._

**???:** (To the camera) Oh, don’t look so shocked. Deep down, you ALL wanted that to happen.

 

_He regards his blood-stained sword._

 

 **???:** (To the camera) I know this fill-um’s rated PG, but let’s face it; most of these jokes would make it a 12 certificate where I come from.

 

 **Hamton:** (In awe) Gosh, mister… You saved us!

 

 **???:** Ah, no probs, mate. I was going for a little walk in the woods, when I saw this bunch of dipsticks trying to kidnap you. I decided to do one of those Big Damn Heroes moments and it worked.

 

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Vat eez your name, monsieur?

 

 **???:** Me? I’m the Red-Cloaked Knight. Most people call me Dan, though.

 

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, wait a minute… we were rescued by a person associated with red… the writer of this fanfic has a penname with red in it… (To **Dan** ) I totally know who you are, yer the author tryin’ ta shoehorn…

 

 **Dan** _suddenly grabs her bill and holds it shut._

 

 **Dan:** (Hushed tones, to **Shirley** ) Look, would you mind keeping your gob shut, love? Everybody used to put their personas in their works, alright?

 

**Shirley** _nods and he lets go._

 

 **Dan:** (To **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) Okay, so what’s a princess, a pig, a loon and a caretaker doing here, then?

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Dan** ) Ve are going to England, monsieur, to find mon pére. Vous see…

 

 **Dan:** (Interrupting) Some nasty pasty called Lord Sebastian has taken over Paris and this young lad (Points to **Hamton** ) is the bloke who’s gonna stop him and save the day and the two of you are predictably going to get together.

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Yes! How did you know? Do you have a crystal ball like Shirley?

 

 **Dan:** (Flatly) No, I wrote the script.

 

 **HF &S: **(In understanding) Ohhhh…

 

 **Dan:** (Impressed) Before I decided to kick the bums of those bounders, I noticed that you three have pretty good fighting skills…except lazybones over there.

 

_He points to the unconscious_ **Plucky** _._

**Shirley:** (Flattered) Like, thanks! (To the camera) We can inexplicably beat people up, so sue us, or some junk.

 

 **Dan:** (Pondering) Yes, you’re quite nimble and powerful…but you lot need to learn how to master your abilities. I think I’ll help you do that. Come to my lodgings and I’ll teach you. Oh, by the way…

 

_He motions to the three horses and the donkey, who trot up to him._

 

 **Dan:** Do these belong to you? (To the camera) Before you say it, I’m no Mary Sue. I stubbed me toe during that fight! (To the trio) Come with me to the training ground!

 

  **Scene 23**

_The camera cuts to a snowy mountain. A blizzard is buffeting it, making the tiny house at the peak look invisible among the whooshing flakes. A nearby sign says_ **REMOTE MOUNTAINOUS LOCATION: MIND THE PERILOUS DROPS** _. The camera cuts to what looks like a cosy 1950s living room in a British house._ **Dan** _walks over to the sofa, where_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _are drinking what appears to be cocoa._ **Plucky** _is lying on the carpet like some sort of odd rug._

**Dan:** Bit chilly out there, innit? Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!

 

 **Hamton:** (Sips his cocoa) I suppose it is…

 

 **Fifi:** When are vous going to teach us ‘ow to fight, monsieur?

 

 **Dan:** Well, you see, I like to have a cocoa break. I say that because I hate tea…and coffee. We’ll do some training after I’ve had me biccies.

 

_He opens his visor to drink his cocoa, and then shuts it again._

 

 **Dan:** I was going to wait for your mate to wake up so I could train him too.

 

_He points to_ **Plucky** _._

 

 **Dan:** But I assumed he’s the comic relief.

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _jumps to his feet and stares_ **Dan** _down._

**Plucky:** (Indignant) I resent that, you crimson-caped philistine! (Haughtily) I can be a great hero as well as some clown whose sole purpose is ta be a pathetic loser an’ give the audience a good laugh!

 

 **Dan:** (To **Plucky** ) Oh, I don’t know, it’s quite easy to laugh at you rather than with you.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, ya got that right…

 

 **Plucky** _turns to glare at her as she smirks at the camera._ **Dan** _opens up his visor once again to eat a digestive before closing it again. He gets to his feet._

**Dan:** (To the group) Okay, lads and lasses, it’s time to do some training!

 

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly, putting her cup down) Oui! Let us start, et rapidmont!

 

 _The camera cuts to complete darkness. Suddenly, a door in the top left corner of the screen opens, revealing it to be a basement._ **Dan** _turns on a rather modern light-switch to reveal several exercise mats, some barbells and several other equipment. The five characters descend the stairs._

**Hamton:** (Awestruck) Wow!

 

 **Dan:** Glad you’re impressed. I got this set years ago when I had a midlife crisis and wanted to become a bodybuilder. (To the camera) The midlife crisis was a crisis in of itself because I’m too young to have a midlife crisis, but that’s another story. (To the group) Anyway, I reckon this junk will be more of use to you lot.

 

 _He takes out a book called_ **“How to become a great warrior”** _. He looks at it intently._

**Dan:** According to this book, you have to do some warm-ups, being “centred” and all that rubbish.

 

_The blonde loon’s eyes light up upon hearing this._

 

 **Shirley:** (Happily) Like, that’s TOTALLY my forte!

 

 _The camera cuts to the quartet sitting on their own exercise mats. They are now all wearing gymnast attire._ **Dan** _watches from a corner of the room._

**Shirley:** (Closing her eyes) Like, okay everybody. Get into the lotus position.

 

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Vat eez zat again? Could vous tell moi?

 

 **Shirley** _sits with her legs crossed and looks expectantly up at them._

**Fifi:** Oh! (Giggles) Eet eez zat one. Désolé, Shirley.

 

 _She and_ **Hamton** _slowly sit down and cross their legs together._

**Shirley:** (Takes a deep breath) Now, we can begin…

 

 **Plucky:** (Interrupts) Oh! Hang on! I need ta go to the bathroom!

 

 **Shirley:** (Rolls her eyes) Like, okay then.

 

 _The green duck rushes offscreen. We can hear him run noisily up the stairs and we hear the door slam._ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _cringe upon hearing the noise._ **Shirley** _takes a deep breath and starts again._

**Shirley:** (Serene) Okay. We can begin. Everybody chant “Om” in order ta strengthen yer aura.

 

_The trio closes their eyes and each take a deep breath._

 

 **Hamton:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm…

**Fifi:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm…

 

 _Abruptly, we hear a toilet flushing._ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are snapped out of their mantra. The blonde loon seethes with fury as we hear the sounds of a door opening and someone noisily descending a staircase. Then,_ **Plucky** _runs back up to his exercise mat._

**Plucky:** (To **Dan** , sheepishly) Uh, ya might not wanna use that thing for a while…

 

_Regarding the others, he tries to get into a lotus position._

 

 **Plucky:** (Grumbling) How is doing an impression of a pretzel gonna help us anyway?

 

 **Shirley:** (Through gritted teeth) We’ll start again… Everybody chant “Om” in order ta strengthen yer aura.

 

_The trio closes their eyes and each take a deep breath._

 

 **Hamton:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

**Fifi:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

 

 **Plucky:** (Confused) What’s an aura? Why do we hafta sit like this? How’s it gonna help us fight?

 

 **Shirley:** (Taken aback) Well, we… the reason why we… (Angrily) Just… DO IT!!

 

_She calms down and takes a deep breath._

 

 **Shirley:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm…

 

 **Hamton:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm…

 

 **Fifi:** Ommmmmmmmmmmm…

 

 **Plucky** _regards what his friends are doing. He shrugs at the camera and takes a deep breath._

**Plucky:** Errrrrrrrrrrrrrmagerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

 

 _As he is doing this, ghostly blue figures of_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _suddenly appear and surround him, baleful glares on each of their faces. They simultaneously crack their knuckles. After a beat, the auras jump the green duck and beat him up in a dust cloud of flying fists and feet._

**Shirley:** (Smugly) Allow your aura to pacify any annoyances in the room an’ you will be at peace.

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Dan** _and_ **Hamton** _. They are standing in front of a punching bag. We can see_ **Fifi** _in the background, viciously punching another bag which has a photograph of_ **C. Pew** _on it._

**Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) So, according to this prophecy, you’re the pig who’s gonna save France.

 

 **Hamton:** Well, yes, but I, uh… (Sheepishly) I’ve…never used a sword before…

 

 **Dan:** (Cheerfully) Well, you’ll be starting to get used to one!

 

_He hands_ **Hamton** _an incredibly grimy sword. The pig reacts in horror at first. Suddenly, he becomes rigid. Robotically, he takes out some polish and a rag. The camera cuts back to_ **Dan** _. While his helmet and visor cover his face, we can assume that he is rather freaked out by the pig’s behaviour. The camera zooms out to reveal that the sword is now sparkling._

**Hamton:** (Satisfied) There we go! All clean.

 

 **Dan:** Yeah, it is, mate. Though it’s going to be really dirty quite often, you know. (Muses) Perhaps you could control your urge to clean…or to use it in battle…

 

_He turns to look at_ **Fifi** _._

 

 **Dan:** Looks like the princess doesn’t need any mentoring…

 

_The camera cuts to the skunkette. The stuffing is being blown out of the punching bag as she attacks it. She suddenly stops and turns to look sweetly at the camera._

 

 **Fifi:** (Happily, to the camera) Vous may be wondering why ah am using zat Pew as ma, how-you-say, motivation. Vell, zere eez something about ‘im zat ah hate.

 

 **Plucky** _walks up to her and laughs mockingly._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Fifi** ) Ex-boyfriend, is it?

 

 **Fifi** _snarls and punches the green duck in the chest._ **Plucky** _falls down, wheezing in pain._

 

 **Fifi:** (Sweetly, to the camera) Et ‘e eez another thing zat ah hate.

 

_She turns her attention to_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Fifi:** Hamtone eez learning ‘ow to fight. (Coos) Isn’t ‘e adorable?

 

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Dan** _and_ **Hamton** _. The knight hands the pig the now unnaturally clean sword._ **Hamton** _holds it with a trembling hand._

**Dan:** Right, I’ve got an idea. (To **Hamton** ) Imagine that the villain is really, really dirty. And the only way to clean him is with your sword!

 

 **Hamton:** B-But won’t the sword…?

 

 **Dan:** (Interrupts) I know, I know. But try not to think about that…and try not to let the villain kill you…then you will get messy.

 

_He shows_ **Hamton** _a nearby punching bag._

 

 **Dan:** Now, imagine that this punching, er, slashing bag is really dirty. That won’t be too hard because… it is really dirty.

 

 **Hamton** _squints at the soiled punching bag. His arm begins to quiver as he looks closer and closer at it._

**Dan:** Erm… you can put my idea into practice now… or can’t you hack it? (To the camera) Ha-ha! I made a joke!

 

 **Fifi** _, who is still watching_ **Hamton** _, notices that he appears to be having problems with training. She crosses to them._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Dan** ) Per’aps ah could ‘elp, monsieur.

 

_She gets closer to_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Fifi:** (Whispers) Hamtone… ‘ow about tu do vat ah do in order to fight? Imagine zat ze bag eez Lord Sebastian.

 

 **Hamton** _is puzzled by the skunkette’s suggestion, but he decides to follow it. He closes his eyes in deep concentration. Then, after a beat, he opens them. The camera cuts to the punching bag. It slowly morphs into the image of_ **Lord Sebastian** _._ **Hamton** _gasps at this development._ **Sebastian’s Illusion** _grins nastily at him._

**Sebastian’s Illusion:** (To **Hamton** ) Give it up, peasant. Do you honestly think that you and your little posse can stop me now? It’s as likely as your chances of being with the princess. She doesn’t love you. She’d never associate herself with you, she…

 

 _Suddenly, an infuriated_ **Hamton** _lunges at the vision, impaling him with his sword. The pig thrusts and slashes at the boar as it slowly morphs back into a torn punching bag._ **Fifi** _and_ **Dan** _are shocked by the pig’s sudden outburst. Even_ **Shirley** _, who’s been weight-lifting with her psychic abilities, senses_ **Hamton’s** _lividness. As_ **Hamton** _hacks and tears, he loses his grip of the sword and it flies upwards, getting stuck in the ceiling._ **Hamton** _just stands with his back to us, his body shaking and his fists clenched._

**Dan:** Flippin’ ‘eck! (To **Fifi** ) This Sebastian chap must be pretty damn evil if he makes such a mild-mannered pig lose his rag like that!

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Dan** ) Oui, zat ‘e eez.

 

_Cautiously, she walks over to the shuddering pig. She places a comforting hand on his shoulder. The porcine leaps in the air in shock._

**Hamton:** (Shocked) AAGH!

 

_He pants as if he’s run a mile as he stares at_ **Fifi** _in fear._

 

 **Fifi:** (Gently) Hamtone, ah…ah am sorry. Forget about mon advice.

 

 **Hamton:** (Abruptly) No! (Gently, after a beat) No, Fifi. It was good advice… It’ll, it’ll help me fight better…

 

 **Shirley:** (Crossing over) Like, are ya sure, Fleche De Lard? Those negative vibes totally ain’t healthy… Something about Sebastian makes you angry… and it ain’t the fact that he’s taken over.

 

 **Hamton** _stares at the loon, knowing that she’s right. After a beat, he shakes his head._

**Hamton:** (Lying) N-No, Shirley, it’s nothing…nothing at all. It’s just that the punching bag was messy… or some junk.

 

 **Shirley** _raises an eyebrow, but says no more. She, along with the rest of us, is fully aware of_ **Hamton’s** _crush on_ **Fifi** _._

**Dan:** (After a beat) Awkward… (To the group) Alright, everybody, I think you’re all ready to defend yourselves for the remainder of your journey.

 

 **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are about to walk away when_ **Dan** _stops them._

**Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) Wait! It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!

 

_He undoes the flowing red cape on his armour._

 

 **Dan:** (To the camera) I know that didn’t make sense, but I had to make the reference, alright?

 

_He hands the red cape to_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Dan:** I want to give you this to remember me by…and this.

 

 _The camera cuts to the trio as_ **Plucky** _limps over. We hear a clanking noise from offscreen. Then, we see_ **Dan’s** _hands giving_ **Hamton** _his body armour. The quartet look rather shocked by something we can’t see._

**Plucky:** (Chuckles) Not so impressive under that armour, are ya?

 

 **Dan:** (Offscreen, to **Plucky** ) Oi, shut your gob! (To **Hamton** ) I want you to wear this from now on. It shows you’re a great hero, and the legacy you’ll create. Go on, try it on.

 

 **Hamton** _slowly puts on the heavy body armour. Surprisingly, it fits him! He tries to put on the red cape, but cannot._

**Fifi:** ‘Ere, let moi ‘elp.

 

_She takes the red cape and gently ties it around_ **Hamton’s** _neck. As soon as it does this, it starts to flow._ **Hamton** _is surprised at this as he stands tall in his newfound attire._

**Dan:** (Offscreen) Where’s that draught coming from? Anyway, good luck finding the king, you lot. England’s not too far away, now. But I have to warn you…the weather’s rubbish there. We shall meet again someday. (Beat) Okay, see ya round. Laters!

 

**Scene 24**

_Abruptly, the quartet is back in the woods where they were ambushed by the highwaymen. They are surprised by this turn of events._ **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are now wearing their normal clothing._ **Hamton** _is still wearing the caped armour and is carrying his sword._

**Shirley:** Like, he seemed nice, or some junk.

 

 **Fifi:** Oui! Et ‘e gave Fleche De Lard zat suit zat makes ‘im look trés heroic!

 

_She gets closer to_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Fifi:** (Seductively) ‘E looks so strong…et mignon.

 

 **Hamton:** (Blushing) Uh, th-thanks, Fifi. It sure feels better than my rags. (To the group) Now, let’s go. You heard what the Red Cloaked Knight said. We’re not too far from the border.

 

 **Plucky:** Well, whadda we waitin’ for? Let’s get a move on before we run into any more trouble!

 

 _With that, the quartet begins to continue their journey through the woods. They are no longer frightened, as they are now able to defend themselves from further danger thanks to their training from_ **Dan** _. It seems that England is only a few more footsteps away!_

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks), let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks)…”**

Fleche De Lardwill continue in Part 8.


	8. Arrival and Conflict

Welcome back to Part 8 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

**Scene 25**

_The quartet continues to walk in high spirits through the foggy woods._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _lead the way, while_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _lag behind a little. Although the pig and skunkette appear to be happy, we can tell that all is not well between them. They seem to be troubled by something. Finally, after a beat,_ **Fifi** _clears her throat and speaks up._

**Fifi:** Hamtone? Ah was thinking…

 

**Hamton** _, who would usually love to hear what the princess would like to say, is oddly nervous about the direction this conversation is going._

**Fifi:** (Concerned) Ah know zat tu are trés nimble, mais… zere seemed to be something un petit, how-you-say, off about your fighting…

 

 **Hamton:** (Gulps) W-Was there? (Blatantly lying) I didn’t notice.

 

 **Fifi:** Ah believe zat Shirley vas right about tu being so…angry about Sebastian.

 

 **Hamton:** Y-Yes, she…is. I’m, uh, I’m angry about the fact that he’s gonna try ta kill your dad and force you to marry him…and, uh, I’m furious because he’s taken over Paris an’ turned us into deserters!

 

 **Fifi:** Well, ah am trés angry about zat, too. Mais, ah think zat tu are angry about something zat ‘e said to you.

 

 **Hamton** _turns to look at her. She looks worriedly at him. The pig doesn’t know whether he shivered due to the fact that she cares for him…or the wind blowing through his body armour._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) Darn, darn, triple darn, she’s on ta me! What do I say? Ohhh… (Serious) No. Ya can’t lie to her. Tell her the truth. Mom always said that honesty is the best policy. (To **Fifi** ) Okay, ya got me. The reason why thinking about Sebastian made me mad was because…

 

 **Fifi:** (Genuinely concerned) Oui?

 

 **Hamton:** It was when he laughed at me for having a crush on you. H-He said that you would never love me-

 

 **Fifi:** (Abruptly interrupting him) ‘E eez wrong, do tu understand?! WRONG!!

 

 **Hamton** _evidently doesn’t know whether to be touched by this sudden outburst or shocked._ **Fifi** _immediately calms down and takes his hand._

**Fifi:** (Softly) Hamtone… are tu forgetting our petit promise zat ve made to each other? About zat petit duet? Tu said zat tubas et harps did not go well together…

 

 **Hamton:** (Finishing her sentence) …And you said that we would make sure that they did…somehow. (Realising) J-Just like princesses and peasants…

 

_He visibly begins to look better._

 

 **Hamton:** (Happily) You’re right! I-I’m sorry, Fifi. I dunno what came over me.

 

 **Fifi:** Zat eez alright, Hamtone. Do not listen to Sebastian. ‘E eez un villain!

 

_The camera pans back to the two avian walking behind them._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Y’know, there’s one thing that’s bugging me: what happened to the horses…and to a lesser extent, the donkey?

 

 **Shirley:** (Pondering) Like, now that ya mention it… I don’t know. Didn’t that knight bring ‘em back an’ we brought ‘em to his house?

**Plucky:** I dunno. I was unconscious in that scene.

 

 _The camera suddenly cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. The skunkette is pointing excitedly at something offscreen. The pig looks just as ecstatic._

 

 **Fifi:** Regardez!

 

 _The camera cuts to a sign which says_ : **ONCE YOU CROSS THE BIG, BLUE WET THING, YOU’LL BE IN MERRY ENGLAND!** _The fog appears to be lifting and the decaying trees suddenly grow fresh green leaves and twittering birds fly around them. A rainbow appears in the sky, shining down on the world._

**Birds:** (Singing) You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night! Step into the sun, step into the light!

 

 **Hamton:** (Overjoyed) We made it! (To **Fifi** ) Your father can’t be too far away, now!

 

 **Fifi:** (Joyful) Oh, oui, oui! Let us go!

 

_The quartet begin to run happily towards the sign which indicates the border between France and England. They all laugh happily. Nothing seems able to take the wind out of their sails. The birds fly around them, twittering merrily and even the sun has a smile on his face._ _Just as they’re about to reach the sign, a figure steps out from behind it. The rainbow dissolves, the sun vanishes and is replaced by a gloomy grey sky. The leaves on the tree die and they become gnarled again. The fog reappears and the birds fly away in fright. The quartet screech to a halt and look up at the lanky figure in horror._

_The figure has pasty skin and an unnaturally skinny body. He has straggly long black hair and soulless eyes. On his head is a dirty red baseball cap and an equally scruffy overcoat with orange high-tops._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Now, THAT’S what I call a Knight of Cerebus.

 

_The scary figure just stands there, staring into space. He appears to be unaware of the quartet’s presence. Maybe it’s due to the fact that they’re knee high compared to him._

**Shirley:** (To the man) Like, can we help you, or some junk?

 

_Slowly, the man looks down to see the four scared toons. We can hear his neck cracking as he does so. This man constantly speaks in an eerily monotone voice._

**Man:** Name’s Mr Hitcher.

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Ohh, heh, heh. Th-that’s a nice name.

 

 **Fifi:** O-Oui. Now, could vous p-please allow us to pass, monsieur?

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** I’m afraid I’ll be in serious trouble if I let you go.

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _begins to chuckle. Then, he begins to laugh helplessly._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _are understandably confused by the duck’s sudden phenomenon of amusement._ **Mr Hitcher** _, on the other hand, just stares coldly down at them with his seemingly lifeless eyes._

**Plucky:** (Wipes a tear away) Oh, I get it!

 

_He regards the confusion of his friends._

 

 **Plucky:** We hafta pay a toll! (To **Mr Hitcher** ) Sorry, Paleface Von Greasy-hair. We can’t pay. We’re the heroes!

 

_He continues to laugh._

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** Oh, you will pay. With your lives.

 

 _Abruptly,_ **Plucky** _stops laughing._

**Plucky:** (Nervously, to **Mr Hitcher** ) What did you say?

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** Cardinal Pew and Duke Tad made it very clear what they wanted me to do.

 

 **HFP &S: **(In shock) Cardinal Pew and Duke Tad?!

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** They wanted me to kill you…and then bring you to the king…so that he can mount you over his fireplace.

 

 _He begins to walk slowly towards them and they begin to back away. Suddenly, something occurs to_ **Hamton** _, and he moves towards_ **Mr Hitcher** _._

**Hamton:** (Bravely, to **Mr Hitcher** ) I’m afraid the so-called king will be VERY disappointed!

 

 _He pulls out his sword and points it directly at the mercenary._ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _suddenly realise what the pig is doing and step forward as well._ **Plucky** _remains behind, trying valiantly not to wet himself._

**Fifi:** (To Mr Hitcher) Vous are un trés stupid fool pour challenging Fleche De Lard…et moi!

 

 **Shirley:** (Mockingly) Besides, there’s only three of US an’ one of YOU. What makes ya think you’ll totally kill us?

 

 **Mr Hitcher** _simply fishes in one of the pockets of his overcoat, pulls out a gun and fires it. The bullet ricochets off of_ **Hamton’s** _sword, denting it slightly. The skunkette, pig and loon react in shock to this._

**Shirley:** (Terrified) Like, th-that’s how.

 

 _The trio retreat back to_ **Plucky** _._ **Mr Hitcher** _puts the gun away. He is fishing in his pocket again._

**Mr Hitcher:** Alright. Less chat…

 

_He abruptly pulls out a chainsaw which automatically roars into life._

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** (Maniacally) MORE SPLAT!!! (Laughs evilly)

 

 _He swings the chainsaw. It chops down a nearby tree with that one swipe. The quartet scream and huddle in pure, undiluted horror._ **Mr Hitcher’s** _eyes have become terrifyingly more alive in his excitement for carnage. He wields the chainsaw on the group, and slowly advances on them. The buzzing of the chainsaw grows louder and louder. The group hugs each other, each of them feeling absolutely sure that this is the end. The assassin’s mouth curls into a barbarous grin._

**Plucky:** (Screaming) Where’s a deus ex machina when ya need one?!

 

 _Suddenly, we hear a faint buzzing noise…and it’s not coming from the chainsaw. In fact,_ **Mr Hitcher** _stops what he’s doing just to listen to it. The fear that the quartet had a few minutes ago changes to confusion. The buzzing noise is coming from the sky. It grows louder and louder, until it begins to sound more like an engine._

_The camera cuts to the clouds as a Fokker Dr I triplane suddenly appears from them. It swoops down, heading straight for_ **Mr Hitcher** _._

**Mr Hitcher:** (Dumbfounded) What the flying fu-?!

 

 _The triplane begins firing bullets at the assassin. One of these hits the chainsaw, knocking it out of his hand._ **Mr Hitcher** _gives a yell and dives to the ground as the triplane swoops down over him, missing him by inches. It begins to climb back into the sky. The quartet’s confusion quickly turns to ecstasy as the triplane appears to be turning around to buzz the uncharacteristically terrified man once more._ **Mr Hitcher** _notices this and begins to run for his life, as the Fokker Dr I appears to cancel its attack. As_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _whoop and cheer for their airborne saviour, an unseen force abruptly lifts them up into the air. The force carries them above the dead forest and towards the triplane. As it flies underneath them,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are gently lowered into the cockpit behind the pilot, and_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _land on each side of the wings._

_We all hear the somewhat familiar voice of the pilot telepathically. In this scene, the characters speak using their thoughts, which are represented like this:_ [“”]

**Lord:** [“I prefer to be called Pavel, but I suppose your little name for me shall do, Plucky”]

 

 **HFP &S: **(Surprised) [“Doctor Lord?!”]

 

 **Lord:** [“The very same. The four of you are just in time for History 3000. Though the absence of the other students is…worrying”]

 

 **Shirley** _is perfectly balanced on her side of the wings as she sits in the lotus position. However,_ **Plucky** _is constantly in danger of falling off._

 

 **Plucky:** [“Hey, Doc?! D’ya have any other seats in this thing?!”]

 

 **Lord:** [“I’m afraid I don’t, Plucky. This is a 1917 fighter plane. They weren’t built for passengers”]

 

 **Plucky:** [“Then what are the Porkster and La Fume Fatale sitting in?!”]

 

 **Lord:** [“Plucky Duck. Be quiet”]

 

 **Shirley:** [“Like, do what he says, Plucky. He totally saved our lives”]

 

 **Fifi:** (Happy) [“Zis eez excellent! Avec zis avion, ve shall get to England much quicker!”]

 

 **Hamton:** [“Hey, yeah, you’re right! Say, professor? Could you take us to England, please?”]

 

 **Lord:** [“Why, certainly! As it happens, I’m going there myself. Hold on!”]

 

_Suddenly, the sky turns dark._

 

 **Lord:** [“Take us back to London, on the seventh of September, nineteen-hundred and forty, AD…”]

 

 **HFP &S: **[“WHAT?!”]

 

 **Plucky:** [“Not like that!!”]

 

_A swirling white portal appears before the Fokker Dr I. The quartet scream as the plane flies through it… and emerges thousands of miles above the streets of London. We can see explosions in the distance as the triplane flies among a swarm of German bombers, which are ravaging the city below them._

**Plucky:** [“Messerschmitts! A whole mess of Messerschmitts!”]

 

 **Lord:** [“Incorrect, Plucky. The planes we are currently flying alongside are actually different types of Heinkel H 111, Dornier Do 17 , and Junkers Ju 88 bombers”]

 

 **Shirley:** [“Like, Doc. This is all really interestin’, but we’re not in History 3000 at this moment!”]

 

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) [“Yeah, we still haven’t finished the Battle of Hampton Roads!”]

 

 **HF &S: **(Reproachfully) [“Plucky!”]

 

 **Lord:** [“Well, why didn’t you say? I’ll take you back to 17th Century Britain”]

 

 **Plucky:** [“But before ya do, I’ve got one thing I hafta say…”]

 

 **Lord:** [“And what’s that?”]

 

 **Plucky:** [“DO A BARREL ROLL!! TRY A SOMERSAULT!! USE THE BRAKE!! USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH!!”]

 

_There is a beat as we see that the others are unimpressed by the green duck’s forced references._

**Lord:** [“I think I’ll take the shortcut…”]

 

  **Scene 26**

_The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _walking along a beach. The weather is extremely overcast. They are extremely overjoyed by where they are._

**Hamton:** (Ecstatic) Britain! We made it!

 

_Suddenly, we hear a thunderclap and a torrent of rain pours down on the quartet. They look at the camera with equally annoyed expressions as they are soaked by the downpour._

**Plucky:** (Sardonic, to the camera) Yep. This is DEFINITELY Britain.

 

 **Fifi:** (To the group) Ve are finally dans L’Angleterre. Now, ve ‘ave to find mon pére et tell ‘im about Sebastian. Ve must hurry. Ah ‘ope zat ve are not too late…

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, don’t worry. Your dad’s takin’ a ship back ta France. An’ as it happens, we’re on the beach with only the ocean separating us from home.

 

 **Plucky:** (Delighted) And we’re illegal immigrants!

 

_They look at him, before shaking their heads._

**Shirley:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Like, his ship’s gotta be around here somewhere.

 

 **Hamton:** (Pointing) Maybe it’s at that harbour.

 

 _The camera cuts to a sign which says:_ **“WELCOME TO THE PORT OF DOVER. WHY DON’T YOU VISIT THE LAST PUB IN ENGLAND? AT LEAST IT IS ON THIS SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. THE OTHER LAST PUB’S AT CORNWALL”**

 

 **Fifi:** (Excited) Oui, eet could be! (To **Hamton** )Trés bien, Hamtone!  

 _They run offscreen. The camera cuts to the Port. Despite the fact that it’s a 17 th Century harbour, there are a few modern ships moored there. In fact, we can briefly see a red and green canal boat with the words _ **“RAGDOLL”** _on it sailing in the background. We see the quartet sneaking along._

 

 **Hamton:** (Whispering, to **Fifi** ) What does the king’s royal ship look like, Fifi?  

 

 _Before_ **Fifi** _can reply, they all do a double take and hide behind some barrels. After a beat, a harbour worker walks past the camera. Once they’re sure that the coast is clear, they emerge from behind the barrels and continue their stealthy movements._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Ah do not know. Ah ‘ave never seen eet before… 

 

 **Plucky:** WHAT?!  

 

 **HF &S: **(Frantically, to **Plucky** ) SSH!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Whispers angrily, to **Fifi** ) Ya don’t even know what yer dad’s yacht looks like? Are you telling us that we came all this way FOR NOTHING?!  

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, we’ve never been out of the palace before, Plucky.  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** , snidely) An’ I’ve never been ta Britain before, but at least I know a royal ship when I see one! (To the camera) I used...I mean, I played a character who had ta scrape the barnacles off ‘em.  

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** ) Then why don’t ya show us where it is?  

 

 **Plucky:** Okay, I will!

 

_He scans the wharf. As his three friends wait expectantly for an answer, the green duck looks nervously at the camera. It’s obvious that he can’t find it._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the group) Uh… How about we ask someone where it is?  

 

 **Fifi:** (Scornfully, to **Plucky** ) Ah thought zat vous knew!  

 

 **Plucky:** Well, I, uh… I haven’t work- played a role like that in a long time! 

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Constance the Koala** _, who is cleaning a nearby frigate with a feather duster._

 

 **Hamton:** Maybe that lady koala knows where it is! 

 

 _They cross to_ **Constance** _, who is now polishing one of the portholes._  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Constance** ) Excuse us, madame, could vous..? 

 

 **Constance** _turns to look at them. A bright smile crosses her face as she sees them._

 

 **Constance:** (Cheerfully) Oh, hello there, my dears! I’m Constance, the cleaning lady. I make sure that all the ships are… shipshape! (Giggles) 

 

 **Fifi:** Bonjour! Je suis Fifi, ze princess of France.

 

_She points to_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Fifi:** Zis eez Fleche De Lard et mes amis.  

 

 **Constance:** (Surprised) Oh! You’re from France! (Confused) What nationality are you? 

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused, after a beat) Uh… French?  

 

 **Constance:** (Shocked) Oh dear! You’re not invading us again?  

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Constance** ) Like, no, we ain’t! Y’see, the king came here for his vacation, an’ we came here ta find him.  

 

 **Constance:** (Puzzled) The king’s on holiday? But we only just had him crowned!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) NO! The king of France came here an’ we came ta find him!  

 

 **Constance:** Oh, I see! (Giggles, before suddenly becoming grave) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m afraid you’re too late. 

 

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) QUOI?! (Suddenly tearful) Non…NON!! 

 

**H** **amton** _immediately embraces her as she sobs into his armour._

 

 **Constance:** Oh, I’m sorry…I meant that he’s already going back to France. Didn’t word that very well, did I?  

 

 **Fifi** _suddenly stops crying and breathes a sigh of relief, wiping her tears away._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Constance** ) So if he’s gone, I’m gonna assume his ship isn’t moored here, then.  

 

 **Constance:** Now, that’s the odd part about his departure…

 

_She ponders._

 

 **Constance:** He didn’t use the Royal ship. He took a different ship called the Seedy.  

 

 **Shirley:** (Raised eyebrow) The Seedy? (To the camera) That totally doesn’t sound good… 

 

 **Plucky:** (To the group) Lemme guess. We’re gonna hafta go after this ship, then.  

 **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _nod and he rolls his eyes. Then, something comes to him._

 

 **Plucky:** (Hopeful) Wait a minute! We can use the Royal Ship, can’t we?!  

 

 **Constance:** Well… no. 

 

 **Shirley:** Like, why not?  

 

 _I_ _nstead of answering,_ **Constance** _points to something offscreen. The camera abruptly cuts to a smouldering wreck in the corner of the quay. It has graffiti on it which says:_ **“WIGAN IS NOT A FOOTBALL OR A RUGBY TOWN: IT’S A PIE TOWN!”** _,_ **“KATIE HOPKINS IS A MORON!”** _and_ **“BRITISH STEREOTYPES FTW!”** _The French flag is torn and burnt. It seems that the ship is out of action._

 

 **Plucky:** Oh… (To **Constance** ) I see what ya mean. 

 

 **Constance:** (Pondering) I believe I overheard the harbourmaster saying something about a message that the crew of the Seedy received before they cast off. But they threw it into the sea near the wreck. (To the camera) I failed to see the point of writing one, as well. 

 

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) Hmmm… the crew of this Seedy ship have got the king. (To **Fifi** ) That message they wrote must say where they are!  

 

 **Fifi:** (With grim determination) We ‘ave to get zat message, tout suite!  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Fifi** , patronising) I hate ta break it to ya, your highness, but that message is at the bottom of the dock. How d’ya intend ta get it? 

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** , reluctantly) Like, he’s surprisingly right, Fifi. That message is gone. Plucky and I would go down there an’ get it since we’re both waterfowl…but our buoyant bodies prevent us from spending too long underwater, or some junk.  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Who said I’d be goin’ down there, anyway?  

 

 **Fifi:** Zen ah shall do eet! (To **Hamton** ) Hamtone, tu are avec moi!  

 

 **Constance:** (Worried) Oh, dear. It’s strictly forbidden to swim in the harbour waters! You could drown!  

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Constance** ) While I would agree with ya, ma’am, you’ll hafta let it slide. The king could be in danger…an’ that note could tell us where he is!  

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _, who pulls off her princess dress to reveal that she is wearing a red bikini._ **Plucky’s** _jaw hits the ground as_ **Shirley** _angrily covers his eyes._ **Hamton** _sweats visibly and he grins nervously._

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Are tu ready?  

 

 **Hamton:** Huh? Oh, y-yeah!

 

_He takes off his body armour to reveal that he is wearing red swim shorts._

 

 **Hamton:** (Determinedly) Let’s go get that message!  

 

 **Constance** _notices that while_ **Hamton** _has removed his body armour, he still has his flowing red cape on._

 

 **Constance:** (To **Hamton** ) Oh, dear! Stop!  

 

 _Neither_ **Fifi** _nor_ **Hamton** _appear to have heard her. They rush to the edge of the harbour and dive spectacularly into the water below. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _, who both hold up judge’s cards which say_ **“8”** _and_ **“10”** _respectively. We hear a splash from offscreen and_ **Plucky** _is splashed by seawater. The soaked duck begrudgingly raises his score to_ **“10”** _._

 

 **Scene 27**

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _swim deeper and deeper underwater towards the wreck of the Royal ship._ **Fifi** _does the breast stroke, while_ **Hamton** _does the forward crawl. They pass rusty anchors, seaweed and a pineapple. The skunkette swims ahead of the pig,_ **Hamton** _watches her go. He tries to remain serious, but as he sees the princess in front of him, we begin to enter his happy place once more._   _The song_ **“Channel Swimmer”** _by_ **10cc** _begins to play as_ **Fifi’s** _and_ **Hamton’s** _feet morph slowly into mermaid’s tails. Once their transformation is complete,_ **Fifi** _turns to look seductively at_ **Hamton** _, before swimming away in a cloud of bubbles._ **Hamton** _, in a fit of excitement, playfully gives chase. Using their strong mermaid tails, they chase each other among the wreck of the Royal ship._   _As_ **Fifi** _swims past a treasure chest with a piece of paper in it, she turns to watch_ **Hamton** _swimming towards her. Suddenly,_ **Hamton’s** _mermaid tailfin is caught on the splintered remains of the hull. His happiness turns to painful fear as he tries to pull himself free._   _The fantasy shatters and the song ends to reveal that_ **Hamton’s** _red cape is caught on the hull. The pig frantically flails his arms, trying to pull himself free. In shock,_ **Fifi** _swims up to him and helps him try to free himself. The pig begins to lose consciousness as seawater fills his lungs._   _We are given a view of_ **Fifi’s** _frantic face through_ **Hamton’s** _eyes. Slowly, it fades to black…_

 

 _…We enter_ **Hamton’s** _mind once more. He and_ **Fifi** _have their mermaid tails once more. They are riding dolphins through the ocean. They share a loving look and hold hands as their mounts take them further up to the surface. We see the bright sun’s reflection quivering as the camera rushes into it and everything turns white._

 

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Hamtone? Hamtone?! Hamtone!  

 

 _T_ _he camera shows_ **Fifi** _looking down at the camera. Her fur is soaking wet and dripping. It cuts to_ **Hamton** _lying on the ground. He coughs suddenly as_ **Fifi** _helps him to sit up. We can see that the pig’s soaked cape is slightly torn._  

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Hamton** ) Like, thank goodness yer okay! Fifi gave ya mouth ta mouth resuscitation for twenty minutes!  

 

 **Constance:** (Confused) Was she? She did have her lips to his mouth, but it didn’t look like she was breathing. 

 

 **Plucky:** What I’m confused about is how she was able ta pull him back onto dry land! He must be kinda heavy.  

 

 **Constance** _angrily hits_ **Plucky** _on the head, causing him to accidently bite his tongue with a crunch. As the green duck winces in pain, the camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _, who is sat up, cradled in_ **Fifi’s** _lap._

 

 **Hamton:** (Coughs)D-Did we get the message?  

 

 **Fifi:** (Gently) Oui, Hamtone. Zat we did.

 

 _S_ _he shows him a damp piece of paper. The writing is still intact._  

 

 **Shirley:** Like, what does it say?  

 

 _The camera cuts to the note. It reads:_

 

 **TO THE CAPTAIN OF THE SEEDY** **MOOR YOUR VESSEL ON THE ENGLISH CHANNEL. MY MEN AND I SHALL ARRIVE SHORTLY TO DISPOSE OF THE KING. YOU SHALL BE REWARDED THEN. DISPOSE OF THIS MESSAGE ONCE YOU’VE READ IT. WHATEVER YOU DO… DON’T BOTCH THE JOB!**

**YOURS**

**LORD SEBASTIAN**

**Plucky:** How was the message able ta stay underwater without either dissolving or the ink comin’ off?

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, here’s my theory… (Bluntly) It’s a cartoon. Ya sound like those nerds who complain about TV shows an’ movies online.

 

 **Fifi** _has been reading the message with mounting shock._ **Hamton** _looks at her with a steely glint in his eyes._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) We know where the Seedy is. We can go after it an’ save your father!

 

 **Fifi** _looks down at the pig, and feels comforted by his determination._

 

 **Fifi:** Oui. Oui, we do. Let us go!

 

 **Constance:** (Shocked, to **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) The two of you can’t go after that ship now! You’re both wringing wet! You’ll catch your death with the sea air!

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _share a look, both reluctantly agreeing that the koala is correct._

**Shirley:** Like, she has a point, y’know. You two could’ve drowned tryin’ ta get that message. Besides, we left Paris a few days ahead of Sebastian. It’ll take him ages ta get here, or some junk. I think we can totally rest for now.

 

 **Constance:** You dears can stay at my house until tomorrow morning. Once you’re nice and dry, you’ll feel better.

 

 _The camera cuts to a cosy little cottage in a street as we see the sun slowly setting. We cut to the cottage’s interior, which looks remarkably similar to_ **Dan’s** _house. We can see pictures of_ **Mr Thickley** _,_ **Bushwhacker Bob** _and_ **Mum** _on the wall. We can also see a picture of_ **Taz** _in a frame made of love hearts._ **Shirley** _is meditating in a corner of the room, while_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are wrapped up in towels in front of the fire._ **Constance** _comes in from the kitchen. She looks out of the window._

**Constance:** Surprisingly nice weather for this country, isn’t it? (To the group) You’re all feeling better, I see.

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Constance** ) Oui, merci, madame.

 

_She runs her fingers through her slightly messy hair._

 

 **Fifi:** Mon cheveux! Eet eez mal! Shirley? Could vous ‘elp moi?

 

 **Shirley** _stops her meditating and crosses to her._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, sure thing! (To **Constance** ) D’ya, like, have any rooms?

 

 **Constance:** (To **Shirley** ) Oh, certainly! You can use mine. It’s upstairs and to the right.

 

 _As the girls walk upstairs,_ **Hamton** _watches them go and_ **Plucky** _emerges from the kitchen, carrying a pack of McVities Digestives._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Constance** ) Speakin’ of rooms, where’s yer bathroom?

 

 **Constance:** (To **Plucky** ) It’s at the end of the corridor upstairs, dear.

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Constance’s** _bedroom._ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _are sat on the bed._ **Shirley** _is styling the skunkette’s hair. She has a rather knowing smile on her face as she is about to speak._

**Shirley:** Like, yer hair bein’ a mess wasn’t the only reason ya wanted ta talk ta me, wasn’t it?

 

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Oui…

 

 **Shirley:** Like, don’t worry. We’ll rescue yer dad. We have Fleche De Lard!

 

 **Fifi:** Eet eez not mon pére zat ah am worried about. Eet eez Fleche De… Hamtone.

 

 **Shirley:** (Mock shock) Like, don’t tell me you’ve totally gone off him! After seven parts!

 

 **Fifi:** (Defensive) Eet eez not like zat! ‘E is ze kindest, most loving garcon ah ‘ave ever met. ‘E eez far better zan zose princes who wanted to marry moi!

 

 **Shirley:** And he ain’t a prince.

 

 **Fifi:** Zat eez what ah am worried about. Zat rule zat ze cardinal told us. Ah have to marry un prince, mais ah love Hamtone, et ‘e eez un…

 

 _She struggles to say the next word_.

 

 **Fifi:** …Peasant.

 

 _The camera abruptly cuts to outside the bedroom._ **Plucky** _is walking to the bathroom, when he hears_ **Fifi** _say the “p-word”. He screeches to a halt, and listens in._

**Fifi:** Ah will not be able to marry ‘im avec zat rule. Once we find mon pére…ah shall leave ‘im et never see ‘im again.

 

 **Plucky** _looks at the camera in shock before running offscreen in the direction he was walking in._

**Shirley:** Like, listen to me, Fifi. You love Hamton, don’t ya?

 

 **Fifi** _nods._

 

 **Shirley:** An’ yer dad is nothin’ like the Royal Council. He totally wants ya ta be happy. I’m sure that, once he sees that yer happy with Hamton, he’ll gladly abolish that rule where ya can only marry a prince. An’ besides, since when have YOU followed rules anyway?

 

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Oui, vous are right. Ah do not know what ah was worried about. Merci, Shirley.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, no problem.

 

 _The camera cuts back to the living room._ **Hamton** _and_ **Constance** _are discussing how to clean a mantelpiece with the proper polish, when_ **Plucky** _comes downstairs with a serious look on his face._

**Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) Hey, Mesh do ladders. (Gravely) I’d like ta have a word with ya.

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Constance** ) We’ll talk more about dust later. (To **Plucky** ) Coming!

 

 _He crosses over to_ **Plucky** _, who takes him aside into the kitchen to talk._

**Plucky:** (Takes a deep breath) Okay, I’m gonna be honest with ya. This is about the princess.

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) What about her? Is she in trouble?!

 

 _He is about to run upstairs to the rescue, but_ **Plucky** _stops him._

**Plucky:** (Sighs) It ain’t that, buddy. (Takes a deep breath) Look. She doesn’t love ya.

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) What? (Chuckles) Okay, Plucky, while that joke is kinda sick, I’ll appreciate your sense of humour anyway.

 

 **Plucky:** (Serious) I’m not joking, pal. She’s been lyin’ ta ya.

 

 **Hamton:** (Unsure) Th-there must be some mistake. She would never lie to me.

 

 **Plucky:** How d’ya know that? You’ve only known her for a couple of days.

 

 **Hamton:** (Angry) No, you’re…you’re wrong.

 

 **Plucky:** No, I’m not. In fact, I heard her! I’ll prove it to ya! 

 

_He grabs **Hamton’s** _hand.__

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Hey, projectionist! Could ya turn back a few minutes?!

 

 _Everything, except_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _begins to reverse, accompanied by the squeaking of a tape being rewound. The boys are outside the bedroom. The film begins to run normally again._

**Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) Now, listen!

 

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Once we find mon pére…ah shall leave ‘im et never see ‘im again.

 

 _The camera zooms in on_ **Hamton’s** _shocked face as he hears his love interest utter these words. They seem to echo in his head as the film fast forwards back to the kitchen._

**Plucky:** D’ya wanna hear her say it again?

 

 **Hamton** _shakes his head vigorously. We can see he’s trying not to cry. The green duck puts a sympathetic wing on his shoulder._

**Plucky:** I’m so sorry, pal. She was usin’ ya so she could find her dad.

 

 **Hamton:** (Tearfully angry) No. No! She shared a room with me…we danced together at the OJ party…we were gonna play a tuba and harp duet!

 

 **Plucky:** I know, pal, I know… She was such a tease, wasn’t she? She was acting. I should know when someone is pretending. It’s my job!

 

 _We can tell that the upset pig is trying to find something to contradict what_ **Plucky** _is saying._

 

 **Hamton:** (Weeping) Th-The prophecy! It said that a hero would show up in the form of a humble worker…that’s me! ME!

 

 **Plucky:** She saw how much ya drooled over her, an’ her attractive witch friend came up with some story which coincided with Sebastian’s takeover. She knew you’d be a sucker for it, so you’d escort her to the king. Once we found him, she’d toss you aside like garbage.

 

 **Hamton** _slumps down onto the floor, his tears flooding the kitchen._

**Plucky:** When ya stop ta think about it, that prophecy was kinda dumb, anyway. I mean, how the heck can a guy who’s never fought anybody suddenly become this great hero overnight? Rome wasn’t built in a day, y’know!I can’t believe ya let it predestine yer future, buddy. Take my advice. Leave her before ya have yer heart broken.

 

 _It’s pretty darn obvious that_ **Hamton’s** _heart is already broken. We hear his and_ **Fifi’s** _voices echoing in his head._

**Hamton:** (Voice echoing) Then again, tubas and harps don’t mix, do they?

**Fifi:** (Voice echoing) Zen we shall make sure zat zey do! Just like princesses et peasants.

 

 **Hamton:** (Voice echoing) It was your idea ta go to England to warn your dad about Sebastian. I’m just your escort. I’m only here ta make sure nobody kills ya on the way!

 

 **Fifi:** (Voice echoing) Non, Hamtone. Tu are more zan just mon escort.

**Fifi:** (Voice echoing)Once we find mon pére…ah shall leave ‘im et never see ‘im again…again…again…

 

 **Sebastian:** (Voice echoing) She wants nothing to do with people who hafta work for a living.

 

 _The camera zooms in on_ **Hamton’s** _face as we see him grow more and more upset._

**Scene 28**

_It is very early in the morning as the quartet leaves_ **Constance’s** _house. We can see her waving from her front door. The weather is rather cloudy. It looks like it could rain at any minute._

**Constance:** Goodbye! Good luck rescuing the king!

 

 **Shirley:** (Calling back) Like, see ya round!

 

 **Hamton** _does not look as upset as he did when_ **Plucky** _told him about_ **Fifi’s** _“deceit”, but he does look rather cool today. The group begins to walk down the street towards the harbour._

**Fifi:** Zis eez eet, mes amis! We are going to get mon pére et stop zat Sebastian once and for all!

 

 **Shirley:** (Cheerfully) Totally! Let’s go kick some tail or some junk!

 

 **Hamton** _says nothing, but his dispassionate face noticeably darkens._ **Plucky** _toils behind, glaring at_ **Fifi** _. The skunkette notices that the pig does not seem his usual cheerful self today._

**Fifi:** (Worried) Hamtone? Eez something ze matter?

 

 **Hamton’s** _fists clench and his teeth are bared. After what he’s heard the night before,_ **Fifi’s** _concern for him is unrelentingly mocking him. We hear_ **Sebastian’s** _mocking voice in his head, growing louder and louder._

**Sebastian:** (Voice echoing) Give it up, peasant. She doesn’t love you. She’d never associate herself with you. She’s using you…and you were stupid enough to fall for her act!

 

 **Hamton** _closes his eyes tightly before rounding on_ **Fifi** _so suddenly, that she jumps back with wide eyes._ **Plucky** _raises an eyebrow, anticipating what is about to happen._

**Hamton:** (With suppressed fury) Y’know, princess, I was thinking. Perhaps from now on, you can stop calling me Fleche De Lard, since it’s just a con anyway?!

 

 **Fifi:** (Taken aback) Hamtone… vat are tu talking about?

 

 **Hamton:** Oh, don’t play dumb, your (Sarcastically) HIGHNESS! (Furious) You couldn’t get ta England without a worthless commoner bein’ yer personal shield, so ya decided to toy with my feelings!

 

 **Fifi:** (Open-mouthed) H-Hamtone, ah…

 

 **Hamton:** (Yelling) Once we find dear old daddy, your hands will be washed of me, won’t they?! Don’t you DARE deny it, because I heard ya last night!

 

 **Fifi** _suddenly realises what_ **Hamton** _is talking about. Tears begin to well in her eyes due to the undiluted fury that her love is showing her and her gut feeling of what is about to happen._

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, Fleche De Lard, chill out…

 

 **Hamton** _rounds on her._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Shirley** ) YOU STAY OUTTA THIS!! (To **Fifi** ) I guess all of my worries were right after all. I’m no hero! (His voice begins to break) It was just some dumb story ta make me go on this journey, just so I could have my heart broken at the end of it!

 

 **Fifi** _begins to shake her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. We hear a clap of thunder._

**Fifi:** (Tearfully) Non, Hamtone, non! Ah…Ah did not mean eet like zat, ah promise tu!

 

 **Hamton:** (Angry tears) Then what did it mean?! That you were gonna have yer dad lock me up?!

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) H-Hamtone… do tu not understand! Je te aime!

 

 **Hamton:** (Tearful) Y-You’re doing it again! Why are you lying to me?!

 

 **Fifi:** (Taking his hands) NON!! Ah promise tu zat vat ah said last night eez not…

 

 **Hamton:** (Pulling his hands away) Don’t touch me! Sebastian was right… you’d never associate yourself with losers like me…

 

_He turns and begins to walk away._

**Fifi:** (Tearfully) Where are tu going?

 

 **Hamton:** (Bitterly, over his shoulder) I was gonna say I’m going home, but then, I can’t go home, can I? No. I’m going somewhere where you’ll never see me again. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED!!

 

 _We hear another clap of thunder. The rain begins to fall as_ **Hamton** _stalks away._ **Fifi** _shakes her head and begins to run after him._

**Fifi:** HAMTONE, NO! COME BACK! PARIS NEEDS TU! MON PÈRE NEEDS TU!

 

_She looks frantically around, but the pig has gone._

 

 **Fifi:** (Quietly) Ah…need tu…  

 

 _She buries her head in her hands and begins to sob._ **Shirley** _is completely stunned by what has just happened, but_ **Plucky** _looks rather calm._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Did the prophecy say anything about Fleche De Lard walking out on us? (To the camera) The answer is no, because it’s a load of baloney.  

 

 **Shirley** _walks cautiously over to the weeping princess and puts a hand on her shoulder._

 

 **Shirley:** (Gently) Like, Fifi, I…I’m so sorry. Truly, I am. (Concerned) What’re we gonna do now?  

 

 _Slowly,_ **Fifi** _gets to her feet and wipes her eyes._

 

 **Fifi:** (Holding back tears) We…We shall ‘ave to find mon pére…without ‘im… 

 

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) What? W-We can’t stop Sebastian on our own. Only Fleche De Lard can defeat him! 

 

 **Fifi:** (Holding back tears) F-Fleche De Lard…wants nothing more to do avec us…et moi… Let us go… 

 

 **# Can’t Smile Without You – Barry Manilow**

 

 _They are about to leave, when_ **Fifi** _looks back, hoping in vain to see a pink pointy-eared figure returning to her. She closes her eyes and a single tear rolls down her cheek as she walks away through the rain._   _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _wandering through an empty street. The rain is dripping off his ears and his tears are trickling down his cheeks and onto his armour. He stops at a huge puddle in the road. He looks down at it and sees his melancholy reflection. He blinks out some tears and sees_ **Fifi** _with a warm smile standing beside him. He turns around hopefully…to see that he is all alone._ _Sighing, he turns to look back down at his reflection. The skunkette is no longer beside him in the water. The raindrops which fall gently onto the puddle cause multiple ripples which begin to show us a flashback._   _We see_ **Hamton** _in his peasant rags standing in the throne room pointing innocently at himself as_ **Fifi** _giggles. Then, we see_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _in their respective formal attire holding hands at the OJ party, and then dancing closely to each other. We witness_ **Hamton** _shyly unzipping_ **Fifi’s** _dress as she looks seductively back at him. Then, it shows_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _sleeping peacefully next to each other in the huge hotel bed._ **Hamton** _cannot stand it any longer and he kicks the puddle, sending the water flying and shattering the flashback. He splashes through the puddle and offscreen, trying to accept the fact that the only girl he loved is gone._ _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _, who is lagging behind the two waterfowl as they walk to the harbour. She suddenly feels somebody tap her shoulder, and turns to see a warm, smiling_ **Hamton** _waving shyly at her. Her sorrow turns to tearful joy as she hugs him. They begin to waltz around in the pouring rain, and_ **Fifi** _remembers herself dancing with the pig at the OJ party and cuddling up to him under a tree during a storm similar to the one she is currently in. She is about to kiss_ **Hamton** _when he vanishes into thin air._ **Fifi’s** _joy disappears and she begins to cry again as she tries to accept the fact that the only boy she loved is gone._ _We are given an image of_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _walking away into the distance in the form of a love heart, which is slowly breaking as the song begins to end…_

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby (Nearly over!), let’s all go to the lobby (Nearly over!)…”**

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 9.


	9. The Pirates that do Something

Welcome back to Part 9 of:

 

Fleche De Lard

**Scene 29**

 

 _The camera is zoomed in on_ **Plucky** _. He looks incredibly calm and pleased by what is going on around him._

**Plucky:** (Happily) It’s amazin’ how we were able ta get a boat during the intermission! (Grumbles) Though, why couldn’t it have been a cruise liner?

 

 _The camera pans out to reveal that he,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _in a rowing boat out at sea. The rain is still pouring down on them._ **Fifi’s** _eyes are red, and she looks incredibly depressed. The green duck is rowing the boat, and is clearly having trouble in doing so._

**Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, shut up an’ row, Plucky.

 

_She turns to look worriedly at Fifi. The princess hasn’t spoken since_ **Hamton’s** _sudden confrontation and abandonment of the team._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, are ya okay?

 

 **Fifi:** (Sniffs) Ah…ah am fine, Shirley. We ‘ave to save mon pére…et ah must not let Hamtone’s…

 

 _She takes a deep breath_ , _swallowing her emotions._

 

 **Fifi:** …leaving stop moi.

 

 **Shirley:** Like, if ya want, Plucky an’ I will go on that ship an’ save yer dad. You’re totally in no state ta fight anyone.

 

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Yeah! And since that prophecy’s a load of claptrap, that means that I’ll be the hero of this movie!

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , angry) Like, the prophecy is NOT a lie, Plucky! This is serious. Only Fleche De Lard can stop Sebastian an’ save all of France. It’s gonna be totally dangerous tryin’ ta save the king without him. (To **Fifi** ) But what bugs me though, is what made Hamton think that the prophecy was fake.

 

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) I dunno.

 

_Suddenly, he points at something offscreen._

 

 **Plucky:** Look!

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _look ahead. The camera cuts to a ship moored in the sea. We see the words_ **“THE SEEDY”** _written in gold on the side of it. There is a pirate flag on the top of the crow’s nest._

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, pirates?! (To the camera) That’s predictable…

 

 **Fifi:** (Sniffs) No matter… ve ‘ave to get mon pére… (To **Plucky** ) Keep rowing!

 

 _Reluctantly,_ **Plucky** _continues to do so. As they get closer to the ship,_ **Fifi** _looks down at the water and sees her reflection. She blinks and sees_ **Hamton** _next to her in the water. He brandishes his sword with a confident grin. The skunkette blinks out some tears and dips her finger in the water, creating ripples which distort the reflection._

**Fifi:** (Thinking) Oh, Hamtone, where are tu?

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _. He is trudging along a country road, dragging his sword on the ground. He stops and turns to look at the sea in the distance. He sighs, before continuing his walk._

_The camera cuts to the Seedy. We can see several pirates on deck. They’re drinking and singing rowdily. They appear to be celebrating. This is most likely due to the capture of the king. The Captain comes out of his quarters. He is wearing a coat that is coloured red, blue and white, like a Union Jack._

**Captain:** Ee, by gum! We’ve done it, lads! We’ve captured the king of France! That Sebastian’ll have to pay us, now! Play us a song to celebrate, First-Mate Formby!

 

 _One of the pirates, who has a banjolele, steps forward. We can assume this is_ **Formby** _._

**Formby:** Ee, turned out nice again, hasn’t it?

 

_He begins to play his instrument and begins to sing something about leaning on lampposts._ _The camera cuts to the side of the ship, where the rowing boat has come up alongside it._

**Fifi:** Alright…zis eez vat we do. Ve get onto ze ship et order zese ruffians to release mon pére.

 

 **Shirley:** (Concerned) But, like, they’re pirates! They ain’t gonna let the king go like that!

 

 **Fifi:** (Determined) Eef we ‘ave to fight, zen zat eez vat we shall do.

 

 **Plucky** _reclines on the boat with a complacent look on his face._ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _look at him with a mixture of anger and confusion._

**Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Well, good luck! I’ll stay here an’ make sure the boat doesn’t sail away.

 

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, no you ain’t. Yer comin’ with us!

 

 **Plucky’s** _eyes snap open in shock._

 

 **Plucky:** (Protests) What?! B-But I’m the sidekick! What can a sidekick do against vicious bloodthirsty pirates?!

 

 **Shirley:** Well, like, since you think the prophecy’s a loada hogwash, you should be just as capable as Fleche De Lard. You can totally protect us from the pirates, or some junk!

 

 **Fifi:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Oui, et vous can go first! Zat eez un order!

 

 **Plucky:** (Defiantly, to **Fifi** ) You ain’t the boss of me, princess!

 

 _The camera cuts to the deck of the ship. Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _slams onto it. He slowly picks himself up._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly, to the camera) I’d better get paid extra for this…

 

_The camera zooms out to reveal that the pirates have all crowded around the green duck. He does a double take and jumps to his feet, his eyes darting around as the outlaws surround him._

 

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Err…ahoy there, mateys! I’m…uh…the new parrot?

 

 **Pirate Jason:** (In shock) Blummin’ ‘eck! It’s Count Duckula!

 

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Who?!

 

 _Suddenly,_ **Captain British** _pushes his way through the pirates._ **Plucky** _swallows hard as he looks up at the scary man._

**Plucky:** (Nervously)Uhh…nice coat?

 

 **C. British:** (Flattered) You think so?

 

**Plucky** _nods nervously._

 

 **C. British:** (To his crew) Ee, what a lovely lad! It’s too bad we have to make you walk the plank!

 

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What?! No! I…I wanna be a pirate, it’s always been my DREAM ta be a pirate! I’m an actor, I can be anything I want!

 

_The pirates gang up on him, backing him into a corner._

 

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) I-I’ve got a jar of dirt!

 

_The pirates all stop as he says this. They ponder for a beat._

**Formby:** I don’t get it.

 

 _As soon as_ **Formby** _says this, they resume their murderous advance. Suddenly…_

**Fifi:** (Offscreen) Stop! Zat eez un Royal order!

**C. British** _and his crew stop in confusion. They turn around to see_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _standing on the deck._

**Jason:** By ‘eck! Another Frenchie!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Jason** ) Yeah, uh…technically, we’re all French.

 

 **Fifi:** (Angrily, to **C. British** ) Oui, et ah believe zat vous ‘ave mon pére. Ah order vous to release ‘im!

 

 **C. British:** (Sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry, me dear. If we do that, how’re we going to get our reward from Sebastian?

 

 **Formby:** And you can’t tell us what to do ‘cos we’re British and you’re French…and the fact that we’re pirates so we don’t follow rules anyway.

 

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, we’re warnin’ you. We’ll kick yer butts if ya don’t let the king go!

 

 **Plucky:** (Whispers, to **C. British** ) Do what they say. Trust me…one of ‘em’s a witch!

 

 **Jason:** Gerroff our ship! You’re both women…and it’s bad luck to have ‘em on board!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, yer bad luck’s already begun!

 

 **C. British:** (Musing) We don’t really do violence towards women… (Angrily) But we’ll make an exception for you lot. (To the pirates) ATTACK!

 

_The pirates charge towards the girls, who get ready to fight._

**Scene 30**

_The camera abruptly cuts to_ **Hamton** _, who is continuing his melancholy stroll along the country road. The rain isn’t as strong as before. He stops and looks around, wondering where he is._

**Hamton:** I wonder where I am. (Beat) How should I know, I’ve never been to England.

 

_He sighs and sits down, his torn cape getting muddy._

 

 **Hamton:** I suppose this place could be my new home. It’s no different from my old one. (Bitterly) I bet the princess has saved her father by now…even if I did go with her, she woulda left me anyhow. I guess it serves me right for believing that I could ever have a chance with her.

 

 **Dan:** (Offscreen) I must say that’s a very defeatist attitude you have, mate.

 

 **Hamton** _looks up to see_ **Dan** _walking up to him. He is wearing a barrel where his body armour should be. The pig sighs and sulks._

**Dan:** What’s the matter, Distraught Derek? What’re you doing out here?

 

 **Hamton:** (Bitterly) Go away…

 

 **Dan:** This isn’t a very heroic attitude, pal.

 

_He sits down beside the pig._

 

 **Dan:** Come on, tell me what’s wrong.

 

 **Hamton:** It turns out that this whole quest was a waste of time. I…

 

_He takes a deep breath._

 

 **Hamton:** I just found out that Fi…the princess has been lying to me.

 

 **Dan:** Has she now?

 

 **Hamton:** It turns out that the prophecy was a sham. She was just pretending to love me so that I’d escort her here. Once we would save her father… (Chokes) she’d leave me…

 

_He swallows his emotions._

**Dan:** A sham, eh? Now, who told you that?

 

 **Hamton:** P-Plucky overheard her. She even said she’d leave me and never see me again…

 

 **Dan:** (Chuckles) Now, that’s not true, mate.

 

 **Hamton:** (Angrily) Yes, it is. I heard her as well!

 

_He turns his back on_ **Dan** _._

 

 **Hamton:** Why am I even talkin’ to you anyway? You’re probably someone she paid in advance ta keep the charade up.

 

 **Dan:** I know for a fact that she didn’t say that. I wrote this fill-um!

 

 **Hamton:** (Dismissively) You’re just saying that’s so I’ll go back an’ help her.

 

 **Dan:** Oh, yeah? Take my hand. I want to show you something.

 

 _Reluctantly,_ **Hamton** _holds_ **Dan’s** _hand. Suddenly, the country road fades and turns into the corridor in_ **Constance** **’s** _house._ **Hamton** _and_ **Dan** _are now outside the bedroom door._

**Hamton:** (Sarcastically, to the camera) Oh, great. THIS happy memory. (To **Dan** ) I know what she said, okay?

 

 **Dan:** I know…but you didn’t hear the rest of it! Now, listen.

 

 **Hamton** _closes his eyes and grits his teeth as he prepares himself for what_ **Fifi** _is about to say._

**Fifi:** (Offscreen) Once we find mon pére…ah shall leave ‘im et never see ‘im again.

 

 **Hamton** _feels tears welling up and tries to leave, but the Red-Cloaked Knight stops him._

 

 **Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) Wait for it…

 

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) Like, listen to me, Fifi. You love Hamton, don’t ya?

 

 **Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) She nodded when Shirley asked that.

 

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) An’ yer dad is nothin’ like the Royal Council. He totally wants ya ta be happy.

 

 **Hamton’s** _eyes open as he hears the loon say this._

 

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) I’m sure that, once he sees that yer happy with Hamton, he’ll gladly abolish that rule where ya can only marry a prince. An’ besides, since when have YOU followed rules anyway?

 

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, giggles) Oui, vous are right. Ah do not know what ah was worried about. Merci, Shirley.

 

 _Before the pig can say anything, he and_ **Dan** _are back at the country road. It has stopped raining, although it is still a bit overcast._

**Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) See? It was all just a huge misunderstanding.

 

 **Hamton:** (Awestruck) Wow… Fifi wasn’t lying to me. (Happy) She DOES love me!

 

_He begins to leap in the air, whooping with joy. Suddenly, he stops his celebration._

 

 **Hamton:** (Worried) Wait a minute… Plucky told me that Fifi had lied to me… (Gradually getting angry) He told me to leave the group…

 

_He begins to pace around madly._

**Hamton:** (Furious) I got mad at her an’ told her I never wanted ta see her again. After THAT performance, she’ll never talk ta me again! It’s ALL THAT DUCK’S FAULT!!

 

_He storms over to_ **Dan** _and sulks._

 

 **Dan:** (Cheerfully) Oh, don’t worry. I get the feeling Fifi will find out what Plucky’s done.

 

 _The camera cuts to the pirate ship._ **Shirley** _is using her psychic abilities to throw cannonballs at some of the pirates, knocking them overboard._ **Fifi** _is punching and kicking_ **Jason** _viciously. As the pirate stumbles about, she turns and fires some of her musk at the pirate, knocking him out._ **Plucky** _runs for his life. He is being chased by some sword-wielding pirates._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Shirl, get these guys off me!!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, no way, Plucky. Yer a hero now. Fight ‘em yourself!

 

_She sends another cannonball flying._

**Plucky:** (Frustrated) AW, C’MON!! If only Fleche De Lard were here! Why did I tell him that the princess was lying?!

 

**Fifi** _, who was currently beating the brains out of some of the crewmembers, stops dead in her tracks as she hears the duck say those words. In fact, everybody on deck stops their fighting!_

**Fifi:** (Incredulous) Vat…did vous say?

 

 **Plucky** _begins to get incredibly nervous as several eyes stare at him._

 

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was just the wind.

 

 **Formby:** Ee, no you didn’t. You said something about telling a fella called Fleche De Lard that the princess had told porkies to him!

 

 **Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Formby** ) Tattletale!

 

 **Fifi** _storms angrily up to the green duck, who turns white with terror._

**Fifi:** (Deadly calm) Vous made ze only hero who could save France leave moi?

 

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Err, I might have said something…

 

_Suddenly,_ **Fifi** _grabs him by the throat._

**Fifi:** (Screams furiously) VOUS RUINED ZE ONLY RELATIONSHIP ZAT AH EVER ‘AD!!

 

 _She swings_ **Plucky** _like a hammer, knocking several pirates off their feet._

**Fifi:** (Sobbing) ‘E was ze only garcon ah truly loved!!

 

_She hits_ **Plucky** _against a cannon, knocking several teeth out._

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) Ah was going to marry ‘im!!

 

_She hits_ **Plucky** _repeatedly against the deck._

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) Et vous tell ‘im zat ah was lying!!

 

_She swings_ **Plucky** _and hits some of the pirates with him._

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) Ah will never see ‘im again… BECAUSE OF VOUS!!

 

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) I’m thorry… it wath a mithunderthtanding…

 

 _Growling,_ **Fifi** _throws him aside, where he gets stuck in the rigging._

 

 **Plucky:** (Dazedly) I think I had a brain haemorrhage…

 

 **Fifi** _just stands there, shaking with both anger and sadness._ **C. British** _watches her amidst the unconscious pirates. The skunkette holds her head in her hands_ _and begins to weep softly._ **Shirley** _throws a cannonball at_ **Plucky** _with her psychic abilities, hitting him in the face. She crosses over to the sobbing princess._

**Shirley:** (Concerned) Fifi…like, I’m so sorry…

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobs) Zat duck ‘as ruined everything. Ah loved zat cochon… et… et now ‘e no longer loves moi…because of ‘im!

 

_She points at_ **Plucky** _._

**C. British:** (Mock compassion) Oh, dear me. Never mind, love. There’s plenty more fish in the sea.

 

_He brandishes a sword._

 

 **C. British:** It’s a right shame you won’t have the chance to find another!

 

 **Fifi:** (To **C. British** ) Fine… just kill moi. Ah do not care…

 

 **Shirley:** (Shocked, to **Fifi** ) Like, what?! Ya…ya can’t!

 

 **C. British:** (To **Shirley** ) Shut your face, Black Ey’d Susan. You lot may have beaten the pants off me crew, but I’m not letting you get the king and ruin my arrangements with Sebastian! (To the camera) I think I’ll stab her slowly for a bit of dramatic effect. There’s no way that’ll backfire!

 

 _He holds the sword above_ **Fifi** _, preparing to run her in with it. The blonde loon watches in horror, unable to do anything for some reason!_

**Scene 31**

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Dan** _and_ **Hamton** _._

**Dan:** (To the camera) Oh, crumbs. (To **Hamton** ) It looks like they need your help pretty damn urgently!

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) What? How d’you know?

 

 **Dan:** I wrote the script.

 

 **Hamton:** Oh, right. (Panics) I gotta get to the Seedy!

 

_He begins to run back from where he was walking from when_ **Dan** _stops him._

**Dan:** Where are you going?

 

_He points to a nearby cannon._

 

 **Dan:** Use this.

 

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) Where did that come from?

 

 **Dan:** (Shrugs) I dunno. Plot convenience. (Urgently) Now, quick, climb in! It’ll take you to the pirate ship in a jiffy!

 

 **Hamton:** (Disgusted) Eww, it’s filthy! Hold on!

 

_B_ _randishing a sponge and some soapy water, he begins to clean the cannon in fast motion. When he’s finished, the cannon is now clean and shiny._

 

 **Hamton:** (Satisfied) There we go!

 

 _He climbs into it._ **Dan** _walks over to the cannon and aims it._

**Dan:** (Musing) Okay… where is that ship?

 

_We get a view of the country road. We can see the ocean in the distance. Suddenly, the camera zooms in on a ship in the distance. We can see the words:_ **“THE SEEDY”** _on it._

 

 **Dan:** (Triumphantly) There it is!

 

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) Y’know, I was thinking. This method doesn’t seem very safe.

 

 **Dan:** I know. Awesome, innit? It’s the only way to get you to the Seedy in time to stop the pirate captain killing Fifi.

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) WHAT?! Fifi’s in danger?! Hurry, fire this thing!

 

 **Dan:** Righto!

 

_He lights the fuse with some Swan_ _matches._

 

 **Dan:** (To **Hamton** ) Do an epic pose before you get fired out.

 

 **Hamton:** Why?

 

 **Dan:** You’ll look more tremendous that way.

 

 **Hamton:** Oh…okay, then!

 

_We get a close-up of the fuse as it slowly burns out._

_With a deafening_ **BOOM!!** _The cannon is fired._ **Hamton** _flies out of it like a rocket. He is posing like a superhero, with his sword by his side and one fist outstretched. He rockets out over the sea towards the pirate ship._

**Hamton:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

 _The camera cuts to a tearful_ **Fifi** _awaiting her fate._ **C. British’s** _sword is slowly lowering down towards her._ **Shirley** _stands there looking annoyed by the sluggishness._

**Shirley:** (Bored) Like, Fifi, we can still get yer dad an’ get outta here.

 

 **C. British:** What? An’ ruin me dramatic moment? I think not!

 

 **Fifi** _just closes her eyes as a few tears trickle down her cheeks. The camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _, who suddenly notices something offscreen. It appears to heading straight for the captain._

**Shirley:** Like, captain…look out.

 

 **C. British:** (To **Shirley** ) Will you give over distracting me? What makes you think I’ll fall for that old trick?

 

 _Abruptly,_ **C. British** _is punched in the back by_ **Hamton** _, who has flown to the Seedy from the cannon. The force of the blow sends the captain flying away from the skunkette and over the side into the sea._ **Fifi** _opens her eyes in confusion. She suddenly hears a familiar voice._

**Hamton:** (Excited) Woo-hoo! What a ride, I wanna do that again!!

 

 **Fifi’s** _eyes widen with happy tears as she looks down to see_ **Hamton** _picking himself up and dusting himself down._ **Shirley** _looks excited to see the pig as well._

**Fifi:** (Tearfully happy) HAMTONE!!

 

 _As_ **Hamton** _turns around, the ecstatic skunkette jumps him, wrapping her arms and tail around him. He loses his balance and they fall over onto the deck._

**Fifi:** (Joyful sobs) Oh, Hamtone, tu came back, TU CAME BACK! Ah… ah thought zat ah would never see tu again!

 

 **Hamton:** (Happily cries) F-Fifi! I-I’m so sorry for all the things I said back at the harbour! I-I n-never thought you’d wanna see me again!

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobs) Hamtone, ah was not lying to you. Je te aime, Hamtone, et ah always will!

 

 **Hamton:** (Sobs) I know, I know! I love you too, Fifi. I’ve loved you from the start. Please forgive me for doubting your affections!

 

 **Fifi:** Mais eet was not your fault. Eet was zat…

 

 **C. British:** (Offscreen) OI! Give over with your lovey-dovey rubbish on me ship!

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _relinquish their embrace in shock. A soaked_ **C. British** _is clambering back onto the ship, a fierce scowl on his face._

**C. British:** (Furious, to **Hamton** ) What the bloody hell are you playing at, punching me while flying out of a cannon at something miles an hour?! I think I’m bleedin’ internally!

 

 **Hamton:** (To **C. British** ) Heh, heh…sorry. Though in my defence, you were gonna kill Fifi.

 

 **C. British:** An’ this is how you save her?! If this wasn’t a cartoon, I could’ve been seriously hurt!

 

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) How d’ya think I theel?

 

_He clamps a hand over his bill as everybody turns their attention to him._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _get to their feet, glaring balefully at him._

**Hamton:** (Livid, to **Plucky** ) Speaking of seriously hurt…

 

_He stomps over to the injured green duck and grabs him by the throat, pulling him out of the rigging. He stares snout to bill at him._

**Hamton:** (Deadly calm) Lying to me, was she?

 

_He whacks_ **C. British** _with the green duck, causing his eye to pop out._

 

 **Hamton:** (Deadly calm) Having me on, was she?

 

_He bonks_ **C. British** _on the head with the green duck._

 

 **Hamton:** (Furiously) ONLY PRETENDING TO LOVE ME, WAS SHE?!

 

_He slams_ **Plucky** _repeatedly on the deck._

 

 **Hamton:** YOU…

 

_He punches_ **Plucky** _in the face._

 

 **Hamton:** NEARLY…

 

_He punches_ **Plucky** _in the gut._

 

 **Hamton:** RUINED…

 

_He snaps_ **Plucky’s** _spine over his knee._

 

 **Hamton:** MY RELATIONSHIP!!

 

_He thrusts_ **Plucky** _back into his face._

 

 **Hamton:** What’ve ya got ta say for yourself, you greedy, ugly second-rater?!

 

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) I can’t theel my anything…

 

 _Disgusted,_ **Hamton** _throws him aside and turns his attention to_ **C. British** _, who is tending to his wounds._ **Formby** _, who has come to, has witnessed the infuriated attack._

**Formby:** Ooh, mother!

 

 **Hamton:** (Deadly calm, to **C. British** ) Where’s the king?

 

 **C. British:** (Gulps) He’s err… he’s in me quarters.

 

 **Fifi:** (Sweetly, to **C. British** ) Merci beaucoup!

 

 _As_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _walk to the door which says_ **“CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS”** _,_ **Formby** _looks at the captain in disbelief._

**Formby:** (Puzzled) Ee, what’s the game, captain? Are you just going to let ‘em take the king and leave?

 

 **C. British:** (Sinisterly) Am I ‘eck…

 

_We cut to a view of the captain’s quarters. We are looking at the door. It is incredibly dark, but light floods slowly into the room as the door is cautiously opened. The trio peer into the room._

**Fifi:** Father… are tu in ‘ere?

 

_There is no reply. The skunkette looks just about ready to cry, before the pig points at something offscreen._

 

 **Hamton:** Hey! I see someone!

 

 _The camera cuts to a figure sitting in the corner of the room. As_ **Shirley** _opens the door, we see that the king is…_

**Pepe:** (Dazedly) Bonjour, mes amis! Do any of vous ‘ave any croissants?

 

 **Fifi:** (Gasps, overjoyed) Father! We ‘ave found tu at last!

 

 _She rushes over to the king and hugs him._ **Pepe** _looks a bit confused, but returns her embrace warmly._ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _walk over to the king, looking incredibly happy that they’ve found the king at last._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen) Wait a minute!!

 

_Everybody turns to see a fully-recovered duck barge into the room._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) This is the big reveal?! Pepe Le Pew is the king?! That’s more anticlimactic than the final battle against Voldemort! Who else out there saw this coming a mile awa-

 

 **Shirley:** (Angrily interrupting) Plucky. Shut yer mouth.

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Pepe** ) Bonjour, your highness.

 

_He bows to the king._

 

 **Hamton:** We’ve come to save you, and France.

 

 **Pepe:** (Confused) Pourquoi? Vat eez wrong avec mon country?

 

 **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look at each other with exasperation._

**Plucky:** (To **Pepe** ) Your majesty…didn’t you get in the least bit suspicious when these pirates made ya get on yer ship?!

 

 **Pepe:** (Muses) Ah wondered why zey locked moi in ‘ere.

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Pepe** ) Father, zat Lord Sebastian ‘as taken over! Come avec moi et Fleche De Lard et tu can stop ‘im!

 

_Suddenly, we hear a female voice speaking in a cockney accent._

 

 **???:** (Offscreen) ‘Ey! ‘E’s not going anywhere until we finish our alone time, alright?

 

 _Everyone turns to see_ **Penelope Pussycat** _in another corner of the room._

**Shirley:** (Confused, to **Penelope** ) Like, who are you?

 

 **Pepe:** (Chuckles sheepishly) Zat eez Penelope. Ah met ‘er during mon vacances dans L’Angleterre. Ve fell in love…et ah was going to take ‘er back to Paris avec moi.

 

 **Penelope:** (To **Pepe** ) You sure we’re goin’ to Paris, luvvie? You and your daughter are the only Frenchies ‘ere. The rest of ‘em are Yanks!

 

 **Hamton:** (Sighs) She’ll hafta come with us.

 

_He takes_ **Fifi’s** _hand._

 

 **Hamton:** C’mon, your majesty. Those pirates won’t bother us now…

 

 **Jason:** (Offscreen) Don’t be so sure, ya little sausage roll!

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **C. British** _,_ **Formby** _and_ **Jason** _. They are now blocking the way out._

**Pepe:** (To the pirates) So eet seems zat zis was not un bien ship after all! Zat eez, how-you-say, false advertising!

 

 **C. British:** That’s true, King Stinky, me lad. But the reward that this Sebastian bloke will give us isn’t false at all!

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) How much d’ya bet it is?

 

 **C. British:** Can you imagine how many cuppas we’ll be able to drink once we get all that bob? The whole lot of you must be thick if you think we’re just gonna let you go.

 

 **Formby:** That’s right! You’re all French! Why aren’t you surrendering?

 

 **Hamton** _steps forward, brandishing his sword._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Pepe** ) Stand back, your highness! We’ll deal with these guys. (To **Fifi** and **Shirley** ) Let’s show ‘em who’s boss!

 

 **Fifi:** Oui!

 

 **Shirley:** Like, for sure!

 

 **C. British:** (To **Formby** and **Jason** ) ATTACK!! Again.

 

 **Hamton** _charges forward and tackles the captain, knocking him out of the quarters._ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _follow him out._ **Jason** _and_ **Formby** _just stand there and let them pass without making any effort to stop them._

**C. British:** (To his crew) Give over standing there like lemons and do them in!

 

 **Jason:** (Shocked) You’re having a laugh, aren’t ya? One of ‘em flamin’ stinks!

 

 **Formby:** (Sobs) I’ve broke me banjo!

 

 **C. British:** Oh, for gawd’s sake! I’ll fight ‘em meself!

 

 **Shirley** _uses her abilities to levitate several cannonballs. She aims them at the captain._

**Shirley:** (Confidently) Like, go right ahead. Take yer best shot.

 

 **Fifi:** (Mockingly) Oui! We ‘ave defeated your men. We shall defeat vous as well!

 

 **C. British:** (To **Shirley** and **Fifi** ) That’s cheating! I may be a bloodthirsty murderer, but I believe in a fair fight.

 

_He points at_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **C. British:** He’s got a sword, and so do I. I’ll fight him! (To the camera) I’m more likely to win that way.

 

 **Hamton:** (Thinking) Oh, great. My first sword-fight. Okay, now remember what the Red-Cloaked Knight told you…

 

 _Abruptly,_ **C. British** _swings his sword at the pig._ **Hamton** _obliviously parries it while he is musing on what to do._

**Hamton:** (Thinking) Was it…clean your sword?

 

 **C. British** _thrusts his sword…but_ **Hamton** _ducks out of the way and slashes at the captain’s belt. His pants fall down to reveal brown boxer-shorts._ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _burst out laughing._

**Hamton:** Oh, yeah! It was imagine that your opponent is dirty, and the only way to clean them is with your sword!

 

_He turns to look at_ **C. British** _, who is frantically trying to hold up his pants._

 

 **Hamton:** (In disgust) To use Shirley’s words: you TOTALLY need cleanin’ up, for sure!

 

 **C. British:** (To **Hamton** , furious) Shut up an’ duel, pork-features!

 

 _He slashes at_ **Hamton** _, who deftly leaps out of the way and latches onto the spars._ **C. British** _rushes over to him and slashes his sword once again. The pig leaps out of the way and the captain accidentally slices the ropes. With a_ **CRUNCH** _, one of the masts lands on him._

**Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, we saw him cleanin’ up. Whadda ya think of his fighting?

 

 **Fifi:** ‘E eez trés nimble…et subtle, too. (To the camera) Ah wonder what ‘is sword eez like when eet isn’t being used in battle?

 

_She winks._

 

 **C. British** _staggers towards_ **Hamton** _, who stands there innocently._

**C. British:** (Groggily, to **Hamton** ) Is that all you’ve got? Me sister fights better than you…and I don’t have a sister!

 

 **Hamton** _gently taps the captain, causing him to fall down with a thud._ **C. British** _is out cold. The trio turn to look at the dumbfounded_ **Jason** _and_ **Formby** _._

**Jason:** (Terrified) Uh… Bye!

 

_He dives overboard._

 

 **Formby:** Ta-ra!

 

_He dives overboard as well. The camera cuts to a view of them swimming out to sea in terror._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** and **Shirley** ) We did it! Now, let’s get the king and get outta-

 

 **Shirley:** (Terrified) Look out!!

 

 **Hamton** _turns and we get a shot of a fist flying at him from his point of view. We hear a dull thump and everything goes dark._

**Fifi:** (Horrified, offscreen) NON!!

 

**INTERMISSION**

**“Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…”**

Fleche De Lard will conclude in Part 10.


	10. The Final Battle

 

Welcome to the finale of:

 

Fleche De Lard

 

**Scene 32**

_We see nothing but blackness. Suddenly, we can hear_ **Fifi’s** _voice calling out._

**Fifi:** (Offscreen, softly) Hamtone? Hamtone?

 

 _The blackness disappears in the style of eyes blinking open. We can see_ **Fifi** _smiling warmly at the camera. She is still wearing her dress. The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _, who is still wearing his armour and cape. He yawns and sits up. The camera zooms out to reveal that he and_ **Fifi** _are sat on the bed in his room. The sun is shining in through the window, and we can hear birds singing._

**Fifi:** (Seductively) Bon matin, mon piggy du love.

 

 **Hamton** _sits up and rubs his eyes. He looks at their attire, and then at his bed in confusion._

**Hamton:** (Perplexed) W-we’re home…

 

 **Fifi:** (Pleased) Oui. Zat we are.

 

_The pig scratches his head as he looks around his bedroom, trying to comprehend what is going on. Suddenly, an idea comes to him._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** , ecstatic) We must have been roleplaying in stuff that can’t be talked about in a PG movie and we fell asleep! The whole thing was just a dream! (To the camera) While I admit that’s an incredibly disappointing plot twist, I’m relieved that we’re no longer in any danger. (To **Fifi** ) Well, I guess that means the movie’s over. Ya want some French toast?

 

 **Fifi:** (Giggles, to **Hamton** ) Oh, tu silly cochon. Ze movie eez not over yet!

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) The movie’s not over yet? (Chuckles) Of course it is, Fifi! It’s been revealed that our adventure was just a dream! C’mon. We’ll go have breakfast.

 

_He is about to get off the bed when_ **Fifi** _stops him._

 

 **Fifi:** (Seriously) Hamtone… Zis eez ze dream. We are still dans great danger.

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) What? No, no, we’re not in danger anymore!

 

_He leaps off the bed and crosses to the bedroom window._

 

 **Hamton:** Look! It’s a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the Iron Giant is about ta pick up the house- WHA?!

 

 _The camera zooms out to reveal the_ **Iron Giant** _bending over. He grabs the house in his huge hands and pulls it out of the foundation. As he lifts it higher into the air,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _bounce and skitter about like peas in a frying pan. They rush to the window to look into the eyes of the enormous robot._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Okay…that’s kinda weird.

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Now do tu believe zat zis eez un dream?

 

 **Hamton:** Well…it can’t get any worse!

 

 _Suddenly, we hear a whistling noise._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and the_ **Iron Giant** _look to see an atom bomb plummeting towards the Earth. As it hits the ground, a glowing white mushroom cloud erupts, the shockwaves sweeping towards the_ **Iron Giant** _. The machine falls over, dropping the house in the process. As it plummets downwards, spinning upside down,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _hug each other tightly and scream._

 

**Scene 33**

_Abruptly,_ **Hamton** _sits up, screaming and wringing his hands. We can see a dark, filthy wall behind him. He continues screaming for a beat before he finally stops, panting breathlessly. The camera pans out to reveal that he is in a dank, filthy prison cell. His right foot is shackled to the ground. We can hear the sounds of water dripping in the distance. We hear footsteps echoing and a shadow appears on the dimly-lit walls outside the cell._ **Hamton** _is frightened. He tries to run away, but the chains stop him. The familiar figure of_ **Lord Sebastian** _walks into our view._

**Hamton:** (Shocked) L-Lord Sebastian?!

 

 **Sebastian:** (Mockingly) Welcome home, peasant. I’m glad to see you’re finally awake.

 

 **Hamton’s** _shock turns to fury. He tries to get up to confront_ **Sebastian** _, but he is held back. The warthog laughs at his attempts._

**Sebastian:** I must admit that you and your ragtag band of freedom fighters have been quite a challenge to capture. Thankfully, we got you in the end.

 

 **Hamton:** (Angry, demanding) Where are the others?!

 

 **Sebastian:** Oh, don’t worry. They’re in different cells in this dungeon, alive and well…for now.

 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) I have been studying how I may compare…this prison where I live unto the world…

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Plucky** , in a bored voice) Shut up.

 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, sheepish) Sorry…

 

 **Hamton:** (Nervous) What have you done with the princess?

 

 **Sebastian:** (Sarcastic) Oh, how sweet, you’re concerned for the princess’s safety. (Mockingly) She’s right here. (Calling offscreen) CARDINAL!

 

 **C. Pew** _comes into view. He has_ **Fifi** _, who has her wrists tied up, in front of him._

 

 **Fifi:** (Angry, to **C. Pew** ) Let go! Let go of moi, vous demon!

 

_She sees_ **Hamton** _looking at her from inside the cell._

 

 **Fifi:** (Gasps) Hamtone!

 

_She tries to free herself from the cardinal’s clutches, but it is no use._

 

 **C. Pew:** (To **Sebastian** ) The princess is being disagreeable, your highness.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** ) I expected that. I’ve decided therefore, that I can’t marry such a disobedient little brat. I shall rule France alone! She will die along with her father and her pathetic friends. (To **Hamton** ) You’ll be happy to know that, since I’m such a noble and loving monarch, I’ve decided that I was wrong. You two deserve to be together. (To **Fifi** ) You’re gonna share this cell with your so-called ‘hero’…and the two of you shall be the first to be executed.

 

 _He opens the cell doors and_ **C. Pew** _unties her wrists and shoves her into the cell._ **Hamton** _catches_ **Fifi** _before she hits the ground. As soon as the skunkette was pushed into the cell,_ **Sebastian** _slams it with a resounding CLANG! As the pig and skunkette turn to look at the laughing villains,_ **Tad** _comes into view._

**Tad:** (To **Sebastian** ) I’ve pressed your robes for the coronation, dude!

 

 **H &F: **(Shocked) CORONATION?!

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Why, yes! I can’t officially become king without being crowned by our very own cardinal! And to make my special day all the more glorious…I’ve decided that you four rebels AND the former king shall be put to death during the ceremony. As one king dies, another takes his place!

 

 **Fifi:** (Shocked, to **Sebastian** ) Non! Vous cannot do zis!

 

 **Tad:** (Patronisingly, to **Fifi** ) Err, yes, we can.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Why don’t you two caged lovebirds have a little chat before you make your way to the guillotine? (Darkly) How about you discuss your arrogance at believing that you could save all of France…and how you failed to stop me. (To **Fifi** ) You’ve always been concerned about the peasants…and now you’re gonna die like one. (To **Hamton** ) This’ll teach you the fact that peasants can’t stop those in power, won’t it? (To **C. Pew** and **Tad** ) C’mon, boys. We have to plan for my crowning. Let’s give these forbidden lovers some privacy.

 

 _They walk offscreen, their laughing echoing through the dungeons._ **Fifi** _just moves to a corner of the cell and slumps down._ **Hamton** _watches her with mounting sadness._

**Hamton:** (Tentatively) Fifi…I’m… I’m sorry.

 

 **Fifi:** (Sniffles) Pourquoi?

 

 **Hamton:** I’m sorry for not being the hero that the prophecy said I would. Now Lord Sebastian’s gonna take over all of France and we’re gonna die…because of me. We were gonna save the king…and now we can’t even save ourselves.

 

 **Fifi** _looks at him and shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes._

**Fifi:** Non…non. Tu were ze hero…tu was mon hero. Tu saved ma life, et tu ‘ave mon gratitude…

 

 **Hamton:** And you were my hero as well. Heck, you saved my life quite a lot in this picture…

 

_There is a beat as they sit in silence. The only sounds that can be heard are the drops of water falling from the ceiling._

 

 **Hamton:** I suppose that…I probably wouldn’t have lived that long, anyway, being a mere peasant. (Sniffles, then brightens up) Though, it’s funny. I thought I was gonna have a humdrum janitor lifespan…but then I got the job at the palace and met you…and I went on the most exciting journey of my life.

 

 **Fifi:** (Brightening up) Oui! Our journey was fun, was eet not? (Sniffles) We dressed up et danced at ze party.

 

 **Hamton:** And we rode horses together…

 

 **Fifi:** Et we both ‘ad un, how-you-say, petit dip… (Sadly) Eet eez a shame zat we will never be able to play our petit duet, eez eet not?

 

 **Hamton’s** _face falls as he remembers the vow that he and_ **Fifi** _had made. He sighs sadly…before something comes to him._

**Hamton:** W-well, you never know. Maybe…

 

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) Quoi?

 

 **Hamton:** Maybe, we’ll be able to have one…in Heaven.

 

 **Fifi:** Oui…perhaps we could… (Giggles) Though, we might ‘ave un problem finding un tuba pour tu.

 

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) You could be right. B-But we would play together, wouldn’t we?

 

 **Fifi:** (Reassuringly) Oui. Zat we would.

 

 **Hamton** _reaches out and wipes the tears off of the skunkette’s cheek. He cannot get any closer to her because of his chains._ **Fifi** _decides to come closer to him instead. Wrapping her arms around him, she kisses his cheek tenderly in an effort to comfort him._ **Hamton** _feels tears rolling down his own cheek. Then, he has an idea for a duet._

**# Everything I Do (Instrumental) – Bryan Adams**

**Hamton:** (Sings) Look into my eyes…you will see…what…you mean to me. Search your heart…search your soul…and when you find me there, you’ll search no more. Don’t tell me, it’s not worth tryin’ for. You can’t tell me, it’s not worth dyin’ for. You know it’s true: Everything I do…I do it for you.

 

 **Fifi** _, who has been listening to the pig’s song, catches on, and sings the next verse._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Look into mon heart…tu will find…zere’s nothing zere to hide. Take moi as ah am…take ma life…ah will give eet all, ah would sacrifice. Do not tell moi, eet’s not worth fighting for. Ah cannot help eet, zere’s nothing ah want more. Tu know eet’s true: Everything ah do…ah do eet pour tu.

 

_Their sorrow appears to leave them as they sing. Despite their impending death, the pig and skunkette continue to sing soulfully, their voices ringing out in the dungeon. They sing together at last._

**H &F: **(Singing) There’s no love…like your love…and no other…could give more love. There’s nowhere…unless you’re there…all the time…ALL THE WAY, YEAH!

 

 _As the break begins,_ **Fifi** _gives_ **Hamton** _a lip-locking kiss, which causes love hearts to flood into the dark cell._

**H &F: **(Singing) Oh, you can tell me, it’s not worth trying for…I can’t help it, there’s nothing I want more! Yeah, I would fight for you…I’d lie for you…walk the wire for you, yeah, I’d die for you… You know it’s true…everything I do…Oh, yeah…I do it for you…

 

 _They embrace each other lovingly as the song ends. After a pause,_ **Hamton** _loosens the hug slightly and breaks the silence._

**Hamton:** (Tentatively) F-Fifi?

 

 **Fifi:** Oui, Hamtone?

 

 **Hamton:** I’m…I’m glad that my final happiest moment among the living was with you.

 

 **Fifi:** Et ah am happy to be avec tu…Ma only love…

 

**Scene 34**

_We cut to the throne room. It has been decorated in rather flimsy flags with have pictures of_ **Sebastian’s** _head on them. Some of the flags say:_ **“HE’S THE KING!”** _and others say_ **“THE WICKEDEST ONE WE’VE EVER HAD!” C. Pew** _is putting on his white and gold coronation robes, and_ **Tad** _takes out a digital camera and takes pictures of the throne room. Suddenly, he stops and looks at the camera with confusion._

**Tad:** (To the camera) Whoa… since when was this movie a musical?

 

 **C. Pew:** (To **Tad** )What’re you talking about, fool?

 

 **Tad:** (To **C. Pew** ) It’s just that…I thought I heard singing coming from the dungeons.

 

 **Sebastian:** (Laughs) It’ll probably be the princess and the peasant lamenting their inevitable execution. That’s why I decided to have my coronation at the same time as their death. (To **C. Pew** ) Would ya like to go over the new laws I came up with for once I took the throne?

 

 **C. Pew:** Do tell, your soon-to-be highness.

 

 **Sebastian:** Well…

 

_He takes out a piece of parchment and reads from it._

 

 **Sebastian:** I’ll have coal mines dug in every part of France in order to give people jobs…

 

 **C. Pew:** (Uncertain) Yes…

 

 **Sebastian:** And then…I’ll close ‘em all down!

 

 **C. Pew:** (Ecstatic) Excellent! You’ll be the most tyrannical…tyrant in history! (Mockingly) King Pepe was always a weak leader with his ‘merciful’ rule over the country. He never seemed to realise that in order for the peasants to do as you say, you have to abuse your power!

 

 **Tad:** (To **C. Pew** ) Hey, dude. I know I said this before, but you don’t seem like a religious person.

 

 **C. Pew:** (Exasperated, to **Tad** ) I’m NOT a religious person! I only decided ta become a cardinal because of the fashion! I didn’t know ya had ta give up everything in order ta become one!

 

 **Tad:** Oh, right.

 

 **C. Pew:** I suppose that the bright side ta my predicament is that I’ll go ta Heaven no matter what I do…an’ I can learn all these cool Latin phrases like this one…

 

_He clears his throat_ _._

 

 **C. Pew:** (Dramatically) Ego iustus me cacas.  

 

 **Tad:** (Confused) What does that mean?  

 

 **C. Pew:** I have no idea…but it sounds epic, doesn’t it?  

 

 **Sebastian** _cuts in between the pig and skunk, looking at his modern wrist watch._  

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** and **Tad** ) And speaking of epic, I believe it’s time for my coronation!  

 

 **C. Pew:** (Sadistically) And it’s also time to bring the existences of the princess and the pauper to an end. (To **Sebastian** ) Why don’t we put your crowning on hold in order to witness the guillotine slash off their heads? 

 

 **Tad:** Uhh, dude. I don’t think that’s a good idea. (To **Sebastian** ) We’ve waited until the climax for you ta officially take the throne. Suppose they escape an’ disrupt the coronation?  

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Tad** , dismissively) Don’t be more stupid than you usually are. There’s no way that our decision will backfire. Besides, King Pepe will be executed shortly after them, so I’ll be in charge anyway!

 

_He looks around the throne room. It is completely empty._

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** ) Where are the peasants?! Is nobody going to witness this glorious event in our history?! 

 

 **C. Pew:** (Chuckles nervously, to **Sebastian** ) Uhh, ya executed a majority of ‘em.  

 

 **Sebastian:** (In frustration) Damn, so I did! 

 

 **C. Pew:** Besides, there’s gonna be a killing today. More people will want ta see that.

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **C. Pew** ) I’ve made a new law: anybody who fails to attend my coronation shall die. How’s that? 

 

 **C. Pew:** (Unsettled) Diabolical. (Concerned) If this keeps up, there’ll be no more peasants to oppress! 

 

 **Sebastian:** Which means that I can rule the country in peace.  

 

 **Tad:** (To **Sebastian** ) What do me and Pew do if there aren’t any peasants to oppress?  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Casually) I suppose you’ll have to be my new slaves.  

 

 **Tad:** Ohhh… Cool!  

 

 _The camera cuts back to the dungeons._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are still cuddling each other, awaiting their fate. Suddenly, they hear the jangle of keys from offscreen. Then, we hear a rusty creaking and the camera cuts to_ **Junior** _opening the cell door._

 

 **Junior:** (To **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) Duuuh, it’s time for you to die now!  

 

 _Instead of fighting back, the pig and skunkette get to their feet. They leave their cell and follow_ **Junior** _through the dungeon corridor. We see_ **Shirley** _in a cell. As the three toons pass it, she reacts in horror in seeing_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _being escorted to the guillotine. She rushes to the bars of her cell._

 

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) Like, Fifi, Hamton, NO! You guys totally can’t die! Th-The prophecy! It can’t be wrong! Please tell me you ain’t givin’ up!  

 

 **Junior:** (To **Shirley** ) Duuuh, shut your pie-hole, witch! You and the janitor are next after these two…I think… 

 

_H_ _e continues to march the pig and skunkette to the execution._

 

 **Shirley** _, in desperation, turns to_ **Plucky** _, who is locked up in the cell opposite hers._

 

 **Shirley:** (Frantic, to **Plucky** ) Like, Plucky, do something, PLEASE!!  

 

 **Plucky** _shakes his head and looks sorrowfully at her._

 

 **Plucky:** (Regretfully, to **Shirley** ) What can I do, Shirl? I’m the sidekick. Maybe the prophecy has a twist in which the hero sacrifices himself ta save the country. Anyway, you heard ‘em singing. They’ve accepted that they’re gonna die. We tried ta save France an’ we failed. Why don’t ya take a leaf outta their book an’ recognize that?  

 

 _He turns and sits in the foetal position in the corner of his cell. The blonde loon puts a hand to her mouth, fearing for her friend’s lives. Suddenly, we hear_ **Pepe’s** _voice coming from another cell._

 

 **Pepe:** (Offscreen) Vous know…ah think zat Sebastian eez un trés corrupt lord.  

 

 **Shirley** _looks at the camera in exasperation._

 

**S** **cene 35**

 

 _The dreaded guillotine stands in the town square. A crowd of toons have gathered to watch the execution. A majority of them were guests whom we saw at the OJ party. Some of them have popcorn and soda, and we see some occasional camera flashes._ **Junior** _marches_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _through the palace grounds towards the execution site._ **Hamton** _looks at the deadly device. He swallows hard with fear._ **Fifi** _takes his hand, which calms him down slightly. The skunkette looks like she is trying valiantly not to cry._ _The guard and the prisoners walk through the crowd of toons. Everybody looks at the condemned pig and skunkette. Suddenly,_ **Hamton** _hears a plaintive scream which makes him stop dead._

 

 **Winnie:** (Offscreen) MY BABY!!

 

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) M-Mom?!  

 

 **Winnie** _pushes her way through the crowd, closely followed by_ **Wade** _._ **Junior** _stops the death march so that the parents can say their goodbyes._

 

 **Winnie:** (Tearfully) Hamton…this can’t be real, dear! (To **Fifi** , bowing) Good morning, your highness.  

 

 **Wade:** (To **Hamton** , sorrowful) For cripes sake, son, ya weren’t supposed ta go this way!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Tearfully) Yeah, I…I know, Dad. I-I’m sorry. B-But look! I-I finally met the princess!

 

 _He puts an arm around_ **Fifi**.

 

 **Hamton:** (Tearfully) I-It turns out ya d-don’t hafta be a prince for her to love you!  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Wade** and **Winnie** , tearfully) Monsieur et Madame Pig… ah shall tell vous zis. Your son eez ze bravest hero ah ‘ave ever met. ‘E ‘as done vous proud. 

 

 **Wade:** (To **Fifi** , in tears) We know, your highness…we know.

 

_He pats_ **Hamton** _on the back._

 

 **Wade:** (To **Hamton** ) We love you, son.  

 

 **Winnie:** (Sobbing, to **Hamton** ) We’re j-just glad that you w-were able to overcome your s-shyness and m-meet the one you loved…before you…you…

 

_She wails with inconsolable grief and buries herself into_ **Wade’s** _shoulder._

 

 **Wade:** (Sniffs) Goodbye son…and your highness… 

 

 _They trudge away, back into the crowd._ **Hamton** _closes his eyes tightly, a teardrop trickling down his cheek. He turns to_ **Fifi** _, who is also crying softly._

 

 **Hamton:** (Sniffles) Sorry you met my parents in that way. I-I’m sure they would’ve liked you…and it wouldn’t have been because you’re a princess.  

 

 **Fifi:** (Weeps) Tu do not ‘ave to tell moi zat, mon cher.  

 

 **Junior:** Duuuh, let’s get moving!  

 

 _They continue moving through the crowd. Everybody continues to stare as_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are marched up the wooden stairs and onto the platform where the guillotine is. As they stand before the crowd,_ **Junior** _turns and walks back to the palace. The_ **Executioner** _, who is wearing a long black cloak, turns to face them. He speaks in the mannerisms of a waiter at a fancy restaurant._

 

 **Executioner:** (To **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) Hello. I’m the Executioner and I’ll be ending your lives today.

 

_He gestures to the guillotine._

 

 **Executioner:** The two of you are very lucky. Unlike the others, you’ll be able to see the blade without the blood stains on it. (To the crowd) Before we execute these traitors to the crown, I have been given a message by King Sebastian.

 

_He takes out a piece of parchment._

 

 **Executioner:** He says… (Clears his throat) “I suggest that those of you who have come to witness the deaths of these four turncoats allow their executions to be a warning to you. If any of you dare to conspire against me…or associate yourselves with those of higher status than you, the same thing will happen to you.” (To the crowd) His words, not mine.  

 

 _As he puts the parchment away, the crowd murmurs with a mixture of worry and dismay._  

 

 **Executioner:** (To **Hamton** and **Fifi** ) Now then, who wants to die first? 

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Executioner** ) Wait… I-is it okay if I say something before we die…and make one last request?  

 

 **Executioner:** (Ponders) Uh… Well, it’s not part of the rules, but…I guess so. (Warningly) You can’t request your freedom, though!  

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Executioner** ) Oh, don’t worry, I won’t. I just wanna make a speech, that’s all.  

 

 **Executioner:** (Sighs in annoyance) Alright, proceed.  

 

 **Hamton** _walks to the front of the stand._ **Fifi** _watches him, wondering what the pig will say. The crowd all stare up at the condemned porcine._

 

 **Hamton:** (To the crowd) Y’know when Sebastian said that anybody who tries to make friends with people of higher statuses would die? Well…that’s NOT the proper attitude for a king to have. A king should be kind, caring and noble. Sebastian is none of these things. The reason we left Paris was so that we could find the real king and he could set things right…and we failed. But with that said, I learned something on my journey to England. It was that it doesn’t matter whether you’re a peasant or a member of the Royal family. We’re all citizens of France. It’s a bit like tubas and harps. Nobody thinks that they go well together…but they could do if we gave them the chance.

 

**Fifi** _smiles as she hears_ **Hamton** _say what she had told him in their hotel room._

 

 **Hamton:** (To the crowd) We shouldn’t be treated any different from each other. If we did that, we’d all end up like Sebastian…selfish, cruel and evil. Unfortunately, he’s gonna take over all of France…and frankly, I’m glad that I won’t be alive to see what the country will become under his power.  

 

 _He turns and takes_ **Fifi’s** _hand, bringing her to the front with him._

 

 **Hamton:** (To the crowd) I remember Sebastian telling me that Fifi would never love a peasant…but he was wrong. When I agreed to go with her on this crazy trip to find her father, I had no idea I’d get to know such a kind, loving young lady. I…I love her. And she loves me. It’s true that we’re both gonna die…but we’ll be immortalised in legend. We’ll be living proof that princesses and peasants can be together…just like tubas and harps.  

 

 _The crowd, especially_ **Wade** _and_ **Winnie** _, are incredibly touched by_ **Hamton’s** _speech. The camera cuts to_ **Cosgrove** _._

 

 **Cosgrove:** (To the camera) I’m weeping on the inside.  

 

 **Hamton** _turns to_ **Fifi** _and takes her hand._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Fifi…would you grant my request? Will…will you spray me with your scent of love…for the last time?  

 

 **Fifi’s** _eyes widen. She grins at the pig as if she knows he has a plan to escape._  

 

 **Fifi:** Oui, Hamtone…ah shall. (She winks)  

 

 _T_ _he camera cuts to the_ **Executioner** _, who scratches his head in confusion._  

 

 **Executioner:** (To the camera) That’s the strangest final request I’ve ever heard. I suppose death stinks.  

 

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Fifi** _. She turns around and lifts up her tail at_ **Hamton** _. The pig stands there and closes his eyes in anticipation. The crowd stares in wonderment as a cloud of green musk emits from_ **Fifi’s** _tail. It hits_ **Hamton** _like a car, and the pig is nearly knocked over by it. As soon as he is engulfed by the smelly cloud,_ **Hamton** _grins stupidly and begins to smell the musk in ecstasy. The camera cuts to_ **Hugh** _and_ **Jean** _, who cover_ **Jake’s** _eyes. It cuts back to_ **Hamton** _, who appears to have smelled all of the musk. He turns to the_ **Executioner** _._

 

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully, to **Executioner** ) I’ll go first!  

 

 **Executioner:** (To the camera) Finally. (To **Hamton** ) Okay, pal, make your way to the spot under the blade.  

 

 **Hamton** _literally floats over to the guillotine and lies down on his belly under the blade._ **Fifi** _watches him, anticipating what is going to happen. The_ **Executioner** _walks over to the lever that will release the blade._

**Executioner:** (Lazily) One down…five to go. 

 

 _He pulls the lever and the blade begins to fall. Everything seems to run in slow motion as the camera zooms in on_ **Hamton’s** _blissful expression. We enter his subconscious for the final time. We see his memories with_ **Fifi** _. The song_ **“Days”** _by_ **The Kinks** _begins to play as we see_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _dancing together at the OJ party, surfing on the shield through the palace and swimming underwater together. The final flashback is that of the pig and skunkette embracing near on the outskirts of Paris…_

 

 _The flashback and song abruptly end with a loud_ **CLANK!!** _The crowd gasps!_ **Hamton** _is…STILL ALIVE?! The camera pans out to reveal that the blade had landed on the pig’s armour, making a long groove in it, but not decapitating him at all._

 

 **Executioner:** (Exasperated) Oh, for cryin’ out loud!

 

_He brings the blade back up._

 

 **Executioner:** (To the crowd) Sorry about that, folks. The execution will have to be delayed for a while.  

 

 _Abruptly,_ **Hamton** _jumps to his feet._ **Fifi** _smiles excitedly._

 

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully, to the **Executioner** ) Correction: the execution has been cancelled.  

 

 _He punches the_ **Executioner** _, sending him flying into the wall, instantly knocking him out._ **Fifi** _rushes up to the pig and embraces him._

 

 **Fifi:** (Joyously) Oh, Hamtone, ah knew tu would not give up! 

 

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully) No, Fifi. Fleche De Lard NEVER gives up! Now, let us go away…ON OUR HONEYMOON! (Beat) But first, let’s save all of France.  

 

 _Brandishing his dented sword, he takes_ **Fifi’s** _hand and they leap off the stand. The crowd cheers as they land neatly on their feet and rush towards the palace to confront_ **Sebastian** _._

 

 **Scene 36**

 

 **Shirley** _sits dejectedly in her cell, awaiting her fate. She hears the cheering, and assumes that_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are now dead. A tear rolls down her cheek as she assumes that she and_ **Plucky** _are next. As if to confirm her assumptions,_ **Junior** _comes back into the dungeon._

 

 **Junior:** (To **Plucky** and **Shirley** ) Duuuh, I reckon that the pig and skunkette are dead now, so it’s your turn!

 

 _He takes out his keys and unlocks_ **Plucky’s** _cell door._

 

 **P** **lucky:** (To **Junior** ) Wait! Before you take us to the guy who’ll bring our existences to an end…can I just say that…uh…it’s an honour to meet you: Junior Bear of the Three Bears, the stars of the darkest Looney Tunes shorts ever made.  

 

 **Junior:** (To **Plucky** , flattered) Duuuh, thanks!  

 

 **Shirley’s** _sorrow turns into confusion as she wonders what the green duck is doing. He briefly looks at her and shows her a sign which says_ **“Use your witch abilities to steal this oaf’s keys while I keep him occupied”** _. She nods in understanding._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Junior** ) As an actor, myself, I do a lotta research. After my analysis of you and your family, I can make one theory about you. You’re not really a baby. You are, in fact, a fully matured bear. 

 

 **Junior:** (Shocked) Duuuh, what?! 

 

 _He is so shocked by the green duck’s revelation, that he doesn’t feel the keys brush against him as_ **Shirley** _tries to levitate them out of his pocket._  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Junior** ) That’s right. You ain’t some freakishly huge cub. Your babyish tendencies were caused by your father’s abuse and your mother’s constant apathy. You were so traumatised, that the mind of an infant was indelibly stamped onto your psyche. (To the camera) But, hey, it’s just a theory: A TOON THEORY!  

 

 **Junior:** (To **Plucky** ) Duuuh, that sounds like something off of one of those stories…uh… ScarySpaghettis, I think they’re called…

 

 **Shirley** _levitates the keys out of the bear’s pocket and reaches out to grab them. The green duck grins at this, before continuing to talk to the guard._

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Junior** ) Nope. It’s a theory. One thing it has in common with those stories is that it ruins people’s childhoods with its gritty realism. (To the camera) And they’re pretty dumb anyway.  

 

 _As_ **Shirley** _unlocks her cell door with the key,_ **Junior** _hears the lock clanking._ **Plucky** _swallows hard._

 

 **Junior:** Duuuh, what was that?  

 

 **Plucky:** (Nervously, to **Junior** ) It was…uh…your brain!  

 

 **Junior:** (Confused) What’s a brain?  

 

 **Shirley** _sneaks up behind_ **Junior** _, cracking her knuckles. She pulls back a fist, but the camera abruptly cuts to the throne room. A grand fanfare plays…on a radio._ **Tad** _is the only toon watching as_ **Sebastian** _stands before_ **C. Pew** _. The skunk begins to speak._

 

 **C. Pew:** Dearly beloved…we are gathered here today to join this… 

 

 **Sebastian:** (Interrupting, angry) I’m being crowned, you idiot!  

 

 **C. Pew:** (Shocked) What?!

 

_He takes out a book and reads from it._

 

 **C. Pew:** (To **Sebastian** ) Sorry about that. (Clears his throat) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust… 

 

 **Sebastian:** (Angry) This is what happens when we DON’T rehearse!  

 

 **C. Pew:** (Angry) You can’t just rehearse becoming king! What d’ya think this is, a movie?!  

 

 **Tad:** Well, actually… 

 

 **C. Pew:** (To **Tad** ) SHUT UP!! I know we’re in a movie!!

 

 **Tad:** (To **C. Pew** ) That’s kinda what I’m worried about. The sooner we get the coronation over with, the better. 

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Tad** , furious) What?! You wanna rush my finest hour?!  

 

 **Tad:** Uhh, yeah.  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Livid, to **Tad** ) I’ll have you executed for saying that!! 

 

 **C. Pew:** Well, uh, actually, you’re not officially the king yet, so despite the fact you’ve executed lotsa people, you…don’t have the power to kill them yet. 

 

 **Sebastian:** (Frustrated, to **C. Pew** ) Then hurry up…AND CROWN ME!!  

 

 **C. Pew:** Alright, alright, keep whatever’s left of your hair on!

 

_He looks at his book once again._

 

 **C. Pew:** Err… blah, blah, blah… I now CROWN you!  

 

 **Sebastian** _closes his eyes and grins smugly, expecting_ **C. Pew** _to place the crown on his head. After a beat, he opens his eyes. Nothing has happened._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Angry, to **C. Pew** ) Where’s my crown?! 

 

 **C. Pew:** (Nervously) I…uh…I-I can’t find it… 

 

 **Sebastian:** WHAT??!!

 

_He rounds on_ **Tad** _._

 

 **Sebastian:** WHERE’S THE CROWN?!  

 

 **Tad:** (Defensively) Don’t look at me, dude, I’m only in charge of the costume!  

 

 **Sebastian** _buries his head in his hands and squeals furiously. He stamps his feet and tears his robes._

 

 **Tad:** (Angry) Hey, I spent five hours working on…

 

 **Sebastian:** (Furious, interrupting) FOR GOD’S SAKE!!  

 

 **C. Pew:** Don’t say the lord’s name in vain!  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Furious, interrupting) THIS IS SUPPOSED TA BE MY BIG DAY!! MY OWN SPECIAL MOMENT!! AND YOU JOKERS HAFTA RUIN EVERYTHING!! 

 

 **C. Pew:** Take it easy, it’s only a crown. 

 

 **Sebastian:** (Furious) WITHOUT THAT CROWN, I CAN’T RULE ALL OF FRANCE, YA SAID SO YOURSELF!!  

 

 **C. Pew:** Oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I… 

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _running through the palace corridors._

 

 **Fifi:** Ah ‘ope zat Sebastian eez not ze king yet! 

 

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully) The only king he’ll be is the king of big fat ugly warthogs who denies our beautiful relationship!  

 

 _T_ _hey round a corner…and collide with_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. All four of them fall to the ground. The blow snaps_ **Hamton** _out of his trance. As stars circle their heads, they notice each other._

 

 **Shirley:** (Ecstatic) Like, Hamton! Fifi! Yer totally alive!  

 

 _T_ _he four of them leap to their feet and embrace each other._

 

 **Hamton:** We did give up…

 

 _He wraps an arm around_ **Fifi**.

 

 **Hamton:** But then we changed our minds… but how did ya escape the guard? 

 

 **Plucky:** Well, Shirley did something that knocked him down. I nudged him and nudged him, but he wouldn’t move…I think he stopped breathing as well.  

 

 **Shirley:** (Praising, to **Plucky** ) But I totally couldn’t have done it if Plucky hadn’t distracted him so that I could steal the keys!  

 

 **Fifi:** (Concerned) Wait! Where eez mon pére? 

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Fifi** ) We unlocked his cell… but, his girlfriend told us ta leave. She…uh…hadn’t finished yet. (To **Hamton** ) Uh…Hamton…

 

_He rubs the back of his head._

 

 **Plucky:** I’d like to apologise for sayin’ the prophecy was a lie…an’ nearly messin’ up you an’ Fifi’s relationship.  

 

 **Hamton:** (Touched, to **Plucky** ) It’s alright, Plucky. Thank you for sayin’ yer sorry.  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) No problem… but right now, France needs Fleche De Lard!  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Oui, zat eez right! Let us go et defeat zat lord!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Confidently) Yeah… let’s defeat him…together!  

 

 _They run offscreen to confront the evil lord._                                 

 

 **Scene 37**  

 

 **Sebastian** _has gone red in the face with fury._ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _are frantically searching the throne room for the missing crown. It is obvious that the coronation isn’t going down very well. Finally…_

 

 **Tad:** (Ecstatic) Dudes! I found it!

 

_He runs up to_ **C. Pew** _with the crown in his hands._

 

 **Tad:** It was in the place none of us bothered to look in: where it’s usually kept!  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Hastily) Finally! (To **C. Pew** ) Get on with the ceremony, all this anger’s makin’ me feel funny… 

 

 **C. Pew** _rushes up to him with the crown. He takes out some polish and a rag and cleans it._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Furiously) GET ON WITH IT!! 

 

 **C. Pew:** Blah, blah, blah… I now CROWN you!  

 

 **Sebastian** _closes his eyes as the cardinal begins to lower the crown._ **Tad** _takes out a camera phone and takes a picture of the lord, before saluting. Just as the crown is about to touch the warthog’s head… the doors crash open._ **Sebastian’s** _eyes snap open and he wheels round. His jaw hits the floor and his eyes pop out of their sockets._  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Screams furiously) YOU?! 

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _standing in the doorway of the throne room._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Sebastian** ) There’ll be no coronation today…especially for phony kings!  

 

 **Tad:** (Bored, to **Sebastian** ) I told ya so… 

 

 _The quartet begin to advance on the furious lord._  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Sebastian** ) Ah suggest zat vous give up, Sebastian! Vous will never win!  

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Sebastian** ) You’ve made a terrible mess of the country, Sebastian…and it’s my job to clean it up!  

 

 **Sebastian** _twists and contorts as his fists shake and his eyes turn red (probably from burst blood vessels). He bares his teeth and squeals angrily, stamping his feet and tearing more of his robes._

 

 **Robotic Female Voice:** Villainous Breakdown imminent in 5…4…3…2… 

 

 _Abruptly,_ **Sebastian** _clutches his heart and turns incredibly pale. He begins to choke and gasp for air as he drops to his knees._ **C. Pew** _,_ **Tad** _and even the quartet are shocked by this! The warthog wheezes as he lies down on the floor, his eyes rolling back as he goes incredibly still._

 

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) Whoa…he’s gone!  

 

 **Hamton** _walks over to_ **Sebastian’s** _body and examines it for a beat._ **C. Pew** _and_ **Tad** _look incredibly nervous now that their boss has supposedly died._

 

 **Shirley:** Like, that’s what happens when ya get too angry or some junk!  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **C. Pew** and **Tad** ) Mon pére shall deal avec ze both of vous! Vous shall pay pour ze things zat vous ‘ave done!  

 

 _As_ **Hamton** _turns to face the cowering pig and skunk, the camera pans down to_ **Sebastian’s** _face. His eyes snap open._

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) What about this fat tub of-

 

**Sebastian’s** _hand appears from offscreen and grabs him by his cape._

 

 **Hamton:** ACK!  

 

 **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _turn around in shock. The faces of the duke and cardinal turn from fear to mocking happiness. The camera cuts to a furious_ **Sebastian** _, his huge hand clamped onto_ **Hamton’s** _red cape. He snorts angrily, steam emitting from his snout. The pig struggles to get free._

 

 **Female Robotic Voice:** …1… 

 

 **Sebastian:** (Furiously) I hate peasants… ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY RUIN ALL OF MY PLANS TA TAKE THE THRONE!!  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Sebastian** , angry) Hey, let him go, ya jerk! You’ve lost! Give it up! 

 

 **Sebastian:** If I’ve lost, at least killing this insolent peon will be my only consolation!  

 

 _He turns and begins to stomp away, taking_ **Hamton** _with him._ **Fifi** _suddenly rushes towards him and jumps onto his back._

 

 **Fifi:** NON!! AH FORBID VOUS TO KILL ‘IM!!

 

 _She begins punching_ **Sebastian’s** _sides in an effort for him to release_ **Hamton**. _Suddenly,_ **C. Pew** _grabs her and pulls her off of_ **Sebastian** _._

 

 **C. Pew:** (Wickedly, to **Fifi** ) That’s not proper behaviour for a princess!  

 

 **Fifi:** (Furiously, to **C. Pew** ) LET GO OF MOI!! HAMTONE!!  

 

 _She elbows_ **C. Pew** _in the chest. As he recoils, she tries to run after_ **Sebastian** _, but the cardinal recovers and grabs her by the tail._ **Sebastian** _opens a door in the corner of the throne room and disappears through it with_ **Hamton** _._ **Tad** _and_ **Shirley** _watch as_ **Fifi** _tries to pull her tail out of_ **C. Pew’s** _hands._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Tad** ) So, like, I guess this is the climax: three one-on-one battles. So, like, I guess I’m fightin’ you. 

 

 **Tad:** (To **Shirley** ) Yep.

 

_He cracks his knuckles._

 

 **Tad:** Since you’re a girl, I’ll go easy on ya. 

 

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, shall I give it to him?

 

 _Electricity crackles in her hands._ _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, smugly) Well, ya heard her. Three one-on-one battles. I guess I’ll hafta sit this one out.

 

_He smiles complacently. Suddenly, we hear a chainsaw roaring into life. The green duck’s eyes snap open as the camera pans out to reveal that_ **Mr Hitcher** _is standing behind him with his chainsaw._

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, disgruntled) Oh, come on!  

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Sebastian** _stomping up a staircase whilst_ **Hamton** _struggles to free himself._

 

 **Hamton:** (As he struggles) Where’re you taking me?!  

 

 **Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) To your death. 

 

 **Hamton:** You won’t get away with this, y’know!  

 

 **Sebastian** _suddenly stops ascending the stone stairs to glare at_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Bellows, to **Hamton** ) WILL YA STOP REMININDING ME?! At least I’ll be able ta do what that incompetent assassin an’ those sea-faring fools couldn’t!

 

_He continues to climb. As he rants,_ **Hamton** _fishes in his armour and pulls out his sword._

 

 **Sebastian:** I gotta say, you’re a bigger pain in the neck than the princess. But you’re no hero! In fact, you’re makin’ no effort to escape! (Sarcastically) I guess you could cut me with a sword or something! 

 

 **Hamton** _slashes his sword, cutting_ **Sebastian’s** _wrist._  

 

 **Sebastian:** (In pain) AAAAGGGHHH!!

 

_He drops_ **Hamton** _and clutches his wrist, watching as blood trickles down his arm._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Livid, to **Hamton** ) WHAT DID YA DO THAT FOR?!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Sheepishly) In my defence…ya told me ta cut you.

 

_H_ _e points his sword at the warthog._

 

 **Hamton:** The jig is up! I’m afraid you’re late! 

 

 **Sebastian:** What for?! 

 

 **Hamton:** Late as in the Late Lord Sebastian!  

 

 **Sebastian** _takes off his hat and pulls out his dagger, pointing it at_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Uhh, I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but…don’t I have an unfair advantage?  

 

 **Sebastian** _takes a deep breath and blows into the hilt. It grows until it morphs into a sword as big as_ **Hamton’s** _._

 

 **Hamton:** You’ve made your point…

 

_He giggles before controlling himself._

 

 **Hamton:** Nevertheless, it’s time for a fight to the death: Piggo e Warthoggo, or Heroicus Piggus vs. Fattus Warthoggus.

 

_He points his sword at_ **Sebastian** _._

 

 **Hamton:** EN GARDE!  

 

 **S** **ebastian** _swings his sword at the pig._ **Hamton** _leaps into the air, somersaults over the warthog and stabs him in the rear._ **Sebastian** _squeals in pain, before wheeling round and swinging his sword once more. This time,_ **Hamton** _parries it._ **Sebastian** _goes red in the face in fury and lunges._ _The camera cuts to_ **C. Pew** _pounding his fists on the floor in pain as_ **Fifi** _twists his legs._

 

 **C. Pew:** (Sobbing) YOU’LL GO TO THE BAD PLACE FOR ASSAULTING A SKUNK OF THE CHURCH!!  

 

 **Fifi:** (Angry) NON! Vous shall pour what vous ‘ave done!

 

 _She stamps on_ **C. Pew’s** _back, sending his teeth flying out of his mouth. The skunk reaches out and puts them back into his mouth._  

 

 **C. Pew:** (Frantically, to **Fifi** ) WAIT! I wanna tell ya something!  

 

 **Fifi:** (Suspicious) Eez eet where zat Sebastian eez taking Hamtone? 

 

 **C. Pew:** (In disgust) No!

 

**Fifi** _continues twisting his legs._

 

 **C. Pew:** AAGGHH!! WAIT, WAIT!!

 

**Fifi** _relents._

 

 **C. Pew:** I…I just wanna say…I love you.  

 

 _Disgusted,_ **Fifi** _slaps him across the face._

 

 **C. Pew:** (Chagrined, to the camera) Just as stubborn as Lady Mae.

 

 **Fifi** _grabs him by his robes and pulls him offscreen for another beating._ _The camera cuts to_ **Tad** _…who is punching himself in the face. Teeth fly from his mouth and his eyes blacken._ **Shirley** _sits in the lotus position, lazily waving her finger._  

 

 **Shirley:** Like, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself… 

 

 **Tad:** (Woozily) Whoa… OOF!! I’m… OW!! Such… OUCH!! A… OWIE!! POWERHOUSE!!  

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who is running for his life as_ **Mr Hitcher** _chases him around the throne room, swinging his chainsaw._

 

 **Mr Hitcher:** (Sings to the tune of **“If you’re Happy and you know it”** ) I’m gonna splatter your parts all over the wall, doo-doo-doo, I’m gonna splatter your parts all over the wall, doo-doo-doo!  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Mr Hitcher** ) But I haven’t finished with my parts yet!!  

 

 _The camera cuts to a bruised and battered_ **C. Pew** _lying in a heap on the floor._

 

 **C. Pew:** (Moans, to **Fifi** ) Leave me alone…I want to die… 

 

 **Fifi:** (Sweetly, to **C. Pew** ) Merci beaucoup! (To **Shirley** ) Ah am going to ‘elp mon amour!  

 

 _Her call breaks_ **Shirley’s** _concentration._ **Tad** _stops_ _punching himself. He is now able to control himself._  

 

 **Shirley:** (Shouts, to **Fifi** ) Like, what was that? 

 

 **Fifi** _has already disappeared through the door that_ **Sebastian** _took_ **Hamton** _through._ **Shirley** _scratches her head… Abruptly, she is punched in the stomach by_ **Tad** _. The blonde loon skids across the floor, clutching her belly. The muscular pig advances on her, laughing menacingly._

 

 **Shirley:** (Groans, to **Tad** ) Like, you TOTALLY hit a girl… Uncool!  

 

 **Tad:** (Cockily) Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.  

 

 _He raises a fist to strike her once more. Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _runs under his legs, followed by_ **Mr Hitcher** _. The assassin swings his chainsaw…accidentally cutting off_ **Tad’s** _head. It bounces like a football towards_ **C. Pew** _. The skunk reacts in horror._

 

 **Tad:** (To **C. Pew** ) Is it just me or have ya gotten taller?  

 

 **C. Pew:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

 

 **Plucky** _stands protectively in front of_ **Shirley** _as_ **Mr Hitcher** _steps over_ **Tad’s** _decapitated body, raising his chainsaw in th_ _e air. He slips on the blood leaking from the neck and stumbles over the two waterfowl. He tries to stay on his feet, but he falls down on_ **C. Pew** _, slicing him in half._ **Mr Hitcher** _lands on the chainsaw, squashing_ **Tad’s** _head and severing his own body parts._  

 

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Now, that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you DON’T run whilst carrying sharp objects. (To **Shirley** ) You okay?  

 

 **Shirley:** (Awestruck) Like, Plucky…ya saved my life!  

 

 **Plucky:** (Confused) I did? (Confidently) Sure I did!  

 

 **Shirley** _hugs the green duck and kisses him on the lips._ **Plucky** _stiffens like a board and gains a blissful expression._

 

 **Shirley:** Say, Plucky? Can I ask ya something? What caused ya ta change yer mind back in the cell?  

 

 **Plucky:** I was gonna say that the script said so, but… I realised that perhaps I had kinda messed up back in part 8 an’ I coulda caused all of France ta fall under that galoot’s power by convincing Hamton ta leave Fifi. I wanted ta make it up to ‘em. 

 

 **Shirley:** (Warmly) Well, like, mission accomplished.  

 

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Besides, if the both of us AND Feef an’ Hammy were killed off, the fanbase would have a few choice words for the writer.  

 

 **S** **hirley:** (Giggles) That’s TOTALLY true.      

       

 **Scene 38**

 

 **Fifi** _runs up the staircase, praying that she is not too late. She climbs higher and higher, looking frantically around. Suddenly, she hears the swishing and clanging of swords._

 

 **Fifi:** (Gasps) Hamtone?

 

_She looks to see two shadows on the wall ahead of her. The shorter one is shaped like a pig, and the bigger one like a warthog._

 

 **Fifi:** HAMTONE!

 

 _She runs towards the shadows._ **Hamton** _is being forced onto his knees. He is holding his sword sideways in order to stop_ **Sebastian** _from slicing him. The infuriated warthog forces his weight onto his sword, pushing the little pig further down._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Enraged) WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Strains) Because…I’m…FLECHE DE LARD!!

 

 _With all his might, he shoves_ **Sebastian** _off of him. The warthog falls over backwards and begins to fall down the stairs._   **Fifi** _feels a rumbling noise. She suddenly sees_ **Sebastian** _rolling head over heels down the stairs. She leaps into the air, dodging the obese boar as he tumbles past. She is ecstatic as she realises that_ **Hamton** _must have defeated him! The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _as he pants heavily, trying to comprehend the fact that he’s won._

 

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) HAMTONE!! 

 

 **Hamton:** (With mounting excitement) F-Fifi?  

 

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _rushing up the stairs towards him with open arms._ **Hamton** _smiles with joy and opens his arms._ **Fifi** _knocks him down as she wraps her arms, legs AND tail around him._

 

 **Fifi:** (Tearful joy) Tu did eet! Tu saved all of France, tu really are un hero!

 

_She kisses the pig’s face multiple times._

 

 **Hamton:** I can’t forget you, Fifi! You saved all of France, too! W-We defeated Sebastian together!  

 

 _Abruptly, a familiar hand grabs_ **Fifi** _and pulls her off of_ **Hamton** _. The pig reacts in horror as he sees a bruised and bloodied_ **Sebastian** _holding_ **Fifi** _by her tail._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Angry) Yes… but YOU haven’t defeated me yet!! 

 

 **Fifi:** (Struggles, to **Sebastian** ) Non! Put moi down!  

 

 **Hamton:** (Brandishes his sword, to **Sebastian** ) Put her down, Sebastian! Take me instead! 

 

 **Sebastian** _grabs him by the cape with his other hand._ **Hamton** _drops his sword and it clatters away downstairs._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Deadly calm) I’ve a better idea…how about I take you BOTH!

 

_He begins to stomp up the stairs, taking_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _with him. As the pig and skunkette struggle under his vise-like grip, he reaches the top, and opens a door to cross out onto a balcony on the highest part of the palace._

 

 **Sebastian:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) The two of you have cheated death for too long! But you can’t possibly be invincible!

 

_He holds them over the side of the balcony and we get a view of the ground thousands of feet below them._

 

 **Sebastian:** (Sadistically) Let’s see how you enjoy skydiving…WITHOUT PARACHUTES!! 

 

 _S_ _uddenly,_ **Hamton** _spins around to face him with a can of disinfectant in his hand. He shakes it vigorously…before spraying it in the warthog’s eyes._

 

 **Sebastian:** (In agony) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  

 

 _He throws_ **Fifi** _to one side, where she lands on the balcony. The warthog puts his free hand to his sizzling eyes, screaming in pain. He staggers backwards and falls over the balcony, shrieking as he plummets to his doom._   **Fifi** _looks up and realises that she is alone on the balcony. Frantically, she looks around for a sign of_ **Hamton** _._

 

 **Fifi:** (Screams) HAMTONE?! HAMTONE, WHERE ARE TU?!

 

 _She gets to her feet and runs to the balcony’s edge to look down. We can only hear the sounds of the wind blowing. Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _run up the stairs and onto the balcony, looking ecstatic._

 

 **Plucky:** (Congratulating) YA DID IT! YA BEAT LORD SEBASTIAN!!  

 

 **Shirley:** (Looking around) Like, where’s Hamton?  

 

 **Fifi** _doesn’t reply. She is still looking for_ **Hamton** _. She suddenly realises that the pig was still in_ **Sebastian’s** _grasp when he fell off the balcony. Her eyes begin to well with tears as she realises that_ **Hamton** _has sacrificed himself to save her…_

 

 **Fifi:** (Sobs) Hamtone…eez not returning… ‘E died saving moi…et France. 

 

 **Shirley** _puts a hand to her mouth in shock as the skunkette crosses over to them, continuing to cry._ **Plucky** _stares at the place where_ **Hamton** _fell in disbelief. He can’t believe it…his friend is really gone!_

 

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully) Like, th-this can’t be! The prophecy didn’t say anything about Fleche De Lard dying!

 

_She hugs_ **Fifi** _sorrowfully._

 

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) Uhh…It didn’t!  

 

 **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _all do a double take in shock. They rush to the edge of the balcony. The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _as he dangles from a torch holder by his cape below them._

 

 **Hamton:** Err, heh-heh, can ya give me a little hand? I dunno how long this cape is gonna hold…

 

_His cape is slowly tearing._

 

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully ecstatic) HAMTONE!!

 

_She dangles her long tail down to_ **Hamton** _like a fishing line._

 

 **Fifi:** How-you-say, grab on!  

 **Hamton** _gratefully does, and_ **Fifi** _slowly lifts him back up to the balcony. The pig grabs the edges and hauls himself up._

 

 **Hamton:** Th-Thanks, I- OOF!

 

 _He is interrupted as_ **Fifi** _suddenly embraces him once again, wrapping her arms, legs and tail around him._

 

 **Fifi:** Oh, Hamtone! Tu are alive!

 

 _S_ _he kisses him happily._  

 

 **Plucky:** (Playfully, to **Hamton** ) Hey, pal! Ya had us worried for a moment!

 

 _He pats the pig on the head._  

 

 **Shirley:** (Overjoyed) Like, we did it! We saved the king and all of France!

 

 **Pepe:** (Offscreen) Oui, zat vous did! 

 

 _The quartet turns to see_ **Pepe** _and_ **Penelope** _walking up to them._

 

 **Penelope:** (Congratulating) You all did a smashing job! Champion!  

 

 **Pepe:** Oui! (To **Hamton** ) Ah would like to thank vous especially, pour saving mon kingdom from zat treacherous lord…et pour giving mon daughter un garcon zat she truly loves.  

 

 **Hamton:** (Shyly) Oh, think nothing of it, your highness… 

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Pepe** ) Father…can ah marry Hamtone?  

 

 **Pepe’s** _face suddenly falls._

 

 **Pepe:** (Sadly) Ah am afraid zat vous cannot, mon cher… 

 

 **H &F: **(Shocked) WHAT?!  

 

 **Pepe:** ‘E eez not of royal blood. (Muses) Though ‘e ‘as saved mon kingdom…zat eez un incredible feat…

 

_He ponders for a beat, before something comes to him._

 

 **Pepe:** Ah could raise ‘is status though, so zat ‘e could marry you. 

 

 **Hamton:** (Amazed) R-Raise my status?! Wh-what to?  

 

 **Pepe:** (To **Hamton** ) Tu will see.  

 

 **Penelope:** (To **Pepe** ) Here ya go, luvvie.

 

 _She hands_ **Pepe** _the dented sword that_ **Hamton** _had been using. Both_ **Fifi’s** _and_ **Hamton’s** _eyes widen in awe…suddenly…_

 

 **Hamton:** (To **Pepe** ) C-Could I just borrow that, your highness?

 

**Pepe** _hands him the sword. Taking out some polish and a rag,_ **Hamton** _scrubs it vigorously until it shines beautifully._

 

 **Hamton:** There ya go.

 

 _He hands it back to_ **Pepe** _._

 

 **Pepe:** (Warmly) Please kneel.

 

**Hamton** _obediently does so._ **Pepe** _gently taps each shoulder with the sword._

 

 **Pepe:** As un reward pour your unspeakable courage et incroyable heroism, ah, King Pepe, dub thee… Sir Hamtone Ze Prudent. 

 

 **Fifi** _smiles tearfully as she watches her father give her true love a knighthood._ **Hamton** _stands up, blown away by his newfound knighthood._  

 

 **Pepe:** (To **Hamton** ) Now zat tu are un sir, ze princess shall marry tu if she wishes to. (To **Fifi** ) What do tu say, ma cher? Do tu wish to marry ‘im?  

 

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** , seductively) Ah believe zat ‘e already knows ze answer…

 

 _She jumps_ **Hamton** _and they fall offscreen as love hearts fly through the air._

 

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, does this mean the movie’s over, or some junk?  

 

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Not yet… (To the camera) It’s time for the FINALE SONG!                        

 

 **Scene 39**

 

 _We cut to the throne room. It is no longer stained with blood. Instead, there are white banners everywhere and rose petals on the floor. There are pews with several familiar toons sitting on them._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _stand before the throne._ **Hamton** _is wearing his blue tuxedo and pants, while_ **Fifi** _wears her Amazing Three outfit._ **Plucky** _is_ **Hamton’s** _best man, and he now has a badge which says_ **“ROYAL COURT JESTER”** _on his suit._ **Shirley** _is_ **Fifi’s** _bridesmaid, and she is wearing her Amazing Three outfit as well. We can see that_ **Dan** _is the priest conducting the ceremony._   _A grand fanfare begins to play as the wedding begins._

 

 **# All You Need Is Love (Instrumental) – The Beatles**

 

 **Toons:** (In chorus) Love, love, love… Love, love, love… Love, love, love… 

 

 **Hamton:** (Sings, to **Fifi** ) There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done… Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung… Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game…it’s easy! 

 

 _He puts a beautiful ring with a purple gem on it on_ **Fifi’s** _finger_.

 

 **Fifi:** (Sings, to **Hamton** ) Zere’s nothing tu can make zat can’t be made… No one tu can save zat can’t be saved… Nothing tu can do but tu can learn how to be tu in time…c’est easy!  

 

_She puts a handsome ring with a blue gem on it on_ **Hamton’s** _finger._

 

 **Dan:** (To the camera) Didn’t know I was a priest, did you? Well, I’m not. (To everybody) It’s PUB KARAOKE TIME!  

 

 **Everybody:** (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love!  

 

 **H &F: **(Both Sing) Love is all you need… 

 

 **Fifi** _throws the bouquet…and_ **Shirley** _catches it. She looks alluringly at_ **Plucky** _, who winks at the camera._  

 

 _The camera cuts to ballroom of_ **Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel** _where the reception is being held. There is a banner saying_ **“CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEWLY-WEDS: PRINCE HAMTON & PRINCESS FIFI!”** _We can see_ **Wade** _and_ **Winnie** _, who are now royal in-laws, talking to_ **Pepe** _and_ **Penelope** _._ **Hugh** _and_ **Drew** _are joyfully handing out glasses of OJ to the guests, including_ **Furball** _, who appears from a nearby grate._  

 

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _dance alone on the dance floor while everybody, from_ **Mary** _to_ **Minerva** _and from_ **Jean** _to_ **Freakazoid** _, claps for them and sways to the beat. We see_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _wandering in from outside. The green duck’s face is covered in lipstick._

**Everybody:** (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love! Love is all you need! 

 

 **P &S: **(Both sing) There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known… Nothing you can see that isn’t shown… Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…it’s easy!  

 

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are approached by_ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia** _. The pigs are both carrying huge presents._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _unwrap them to reveal a tuba and a harp. With grateful joy, they embrace_ **Porky** _and_ **Petunia** _, before carrying their respective instruments offscreen._  

 

 **Everybody:** (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love! Love is all you need! All you need is love! 

 

 **Dan:** All together now!  

 

 **Everybody:** (Sings) All you need is love! 

 

 **Dan:** Everybody!  

 

 **Everybody:** (Sings) All you need is love, love! Love is all you need! 

 

 **Hamton:** (Sings, to **Fifi** ) Love is all you need… 

 

 **Fifi:** (Sings, to **Hamton** ) Love eez all tu need… 

 

 **Plucky:** (Sings, to **Shirley** ) Love is all you need…

 

 **Shirley:** (Sings, to **Plucky** ) Love is all you need… 

 

 **Everybody:** (Sings) Love is all you need… Love is all you need… 

 

 _The camera pans out of the ballroom and into the twinkling night skies of Paris as the song begins to end. Suddenly,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _pop up and dominate the screen._

 

 **Fifi:** (To the camera) Au revoir, mon petit potato du couch! 

 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) Th-Th-That’s All, Folks!  

 

 _They turn to face each other…and embrace lovingly, kissing each other tenderly on the lips. Fireworks explode in the sky with pink and purple flashes. Love hearts fly around and one huge firework explodes, forming the words:_

THE END


End file.
